I can't stop correcting my Husband

[Joannebee9]

I need help with this. I am always trying to intervene with my Husbands parenting choices. We have a 3 year old.

I always make comments about what he is feeding him, if he gives him something I think he might choke on etc. Or too sugary.

I said something about a nature program they were watching, it looked too gruesome to me.

I noticed he hadn't put a jumper on him for nursery so I mentioned that.

These are just recent comments but there are more 😂

Anyway, it is ruining my relationship and I even annoy myself, I hate hearing myself be so nitpicky and annoying. My Husband often reacts angrily and shuts down.

How do I stop with all this? It's almost like I can't stop myself in the moment. Please give advice.

Why the laughing emoji OP? What you are doing isn’t remotely funny! It’s controlling and demeaning. Stop!

I think anything outside of immediate safety issues you need to just not mention- I’m sure he isn’t completely incompetent.

I think you're getting a hard time on here for something that's really, really fixable.

Talk to your husband. At a time when it's not just happened, ideally. Tell him that every time you do that, it's not because you don't trust him, or you think he'll put your child in danger, but that's what your own head sounds like at the moment. You're constantly scanning for risks whether you're parenting on your own or whether he's there, and it's not corrections because he's doing something wrong, and it's not personal. Tell him you'll make the effort to stop voicing it, and ask for reassurance from him that he's thought of stuff. Not in the sense that he's trying to prove himself to you, just... to put your mind at ease, because he cares about you.

I am also sometimes like this and I am aware that some of it comes from my own anxiety but also that a lot of my anxiety comes from
having a DH who has none. So it’s hard not to feel the need to step in or comment when seat belts haven’t been fastened properly or slings fastened up wrong or a large knife been left overhanging the worktop again when a toddler keeps trying to reach up etc. So the first step is probably to stop and pause and consider if it is necessary, then if you can reduce the comments to safety concerns, then I do feel you can have a more reasonable conversation around this. Because while this can obviously be very annoying for your husband, it’s hard to know if his reactions are proportionate right now. If he’s being genuinely dangerous, he does need to be able to receive feedback on that and take it on board

@Joannebee9 I mean this kindly but maybe a way to look at this is, how would you feel if it was the other way round and he was doing it you. It might make you think twice about commenting unless needed. 🙂

Surely you need to be able to talk about this stuff as parents though? conversations around whether a certain programme is appropriate, or what types of food are safe at this age, need to be had so you’re both on the same page. Maybe some of these topics need reframing rather than banning altogether. Ideally you’d have regular dialogue about how to parent, not halt it altogether and you both parent independently.

An excellent point! I definitely agree that a lot of the work to stop correcting your husband happens outside of those moments where you want to correct him... in the conversations where you both realise you're on the same page.

I think you need to handle things differently depending on the issue.

Safety issues should always be brought up immediately (I’ll just take your word for it that the food is an actual choking risk, and you aren’t criticising him for not cutting a grape into 20 pieces).

Health issues should be discussed away from the child at a later time. Eg no need to jump in immediately and say “that’s too sugary!” but generally the two of you being in agreement about diet, and foods that just aren’t allowed etc would be good.

Preference issues - the tv show. I mean, if your child was happily watching and not seeming bothered, was it actually too gruesome? Or is that just your opinion and if so, why is it a better opinion than your husband’s?

You may not be better than him with parenting. He might have the best ideas. Just back off.

OP instead of focusing on stopping negatively criticising, could you make an effort to focus on what a good dad he is?

So make an effort, many times a day and especially when you walk into a room where he's with the baby, you look for how well he's looked after the baby. Look for how he's playing with her. Look for how he must have changed her nappy, or fed her already, for how he's strapped her in, or is making a game of something. How he's cuddling her, or just gazing at her lovingly. etc. If you notice something you would have done differently, unless it's an immediate safety issue, push it to oneside and refocus on the good things he;s doing. Do this consciously. Put up some blank colourful post it's around the house and when you see them, go look for the positive. It may not even be him caring for her directly, it may be that he's installed baby catches on the cupboard door, or he's suggesting a day out for you all, or thinking about the jabs she needs or how to handle sllep training. Even if what he's thinking isn't exactly what you're thinking, acknowledging his engagement, his interest and concern, to yourself and reminding yourself that it's a positive thing may help.

I don't suggest you voice all this, it could come across as quite patronising! Though the the odd comment of praise is generally lovely, especially if he's done something you wouldn't have though of. The point is to turn your mindset around to looking at all the great things he does and how he's actually a good father. To focusing on the fact he's safe and loving, just like you. So the small deviations from what you would do are put in perspective.

Maybe time to speak to a professional. At the moment your anxiety is fuelling your need for control and if you continue like this, your child could be the next recipient.

I do this but I’m 50 and blame the menopause🤣🤣🤣 everything he does annoys me 😬

Until he finds it.

Well how are you saying it? 🤔 I've definitely expressed that I think something is too scary or DCs need a jumper etc, it's never been received as criticism.

When you feel yourself about to correct him for something minor, just pretend you're Bridget Fonda in the film The Assassin.
"You might want to try smiling—just smile a little smile—and say something offhand. It doesn't have to fit the situation, really. Say... 'I never did mind about the little things.' Say it, please, dear. The smile and the sentence. I never did mind. I never did mind about the little things."

OP my husband does this to me and it's infuriating.

He is almost certainly ND and he will "hover" and do things like make sure I am making the dinner he'd planned for them to have, or "organise" what I am doing with them - like, oh I know you are having a Mummy day with the kids tomorrow, I told them you'll be taking them to X Country Park and then later they can do Y activity!

I just want to shout PISS OFF at him <thanks feel better now 😁> the way I do stuff is WAY less risk averse than DH.

I let my kids use knives under supervision, go for walks on their own, help with housework for a reward. In my view this has helped them a lot developmentally.

DH will always be the kind of parent who Packs A Bag when he goes to the playground - full water bottle, suncream, snack, plasters, savlon, sunhats (yadda yadda. I generally don't. He also intensively supervises their play. I let them crack on.

You know what, no one dies either way. We established a rule early on, we both get to use our own judgement BUT if something one is doing is seen as a genuine danger - then the other will agree to stop it even if they don't agree.

It's like a kill switch. But we only pull it rarely.

RE the jacket: Context is really important, but I think I might disagree with you here. If the kid is going to get sick or worse because of no coat, then obviously you need a coat. But different cultures have very different standards about when you need a coat, and a lot of it is what you are used to. If OP's DH takes their child out without a coat often, that child will get used to it. Is that a good thing? I don't know. But I think reasonable people can disagree on what is coat-worthy weather. There isn't some ground truth that OP can really appeal to here. Of course, she can say "my preference is that we err on the side of bringing a coat, such that our child suffers the cold less, even if this means we raise a less cold-resistant child," but that is a preference, and her husband wouldn't be mad to then say "my preference is that we let the child watch more scary nature documentaries - I want to expose them to the less sanitized parts of the real world," and that preference also isn't right or wrong.

I was like this. I am still when anxious. Weather in the UK will not kill anyone assuming your child is not a tiny baby. Nor will a doughnut or a bit of a shit time. I realised I had to deal with my own thoughts when my 5yo was presenting in an anxious way too.

You really need to back off. There is a real risk he will just check out and leave 99% of the parenting to you. Then in a few years you'll be starting a thread on mumsnet because you're breaking under the mental load blah blah.

Unless he's doing something dangerously wrong, bite your tongue and let him get on with it. You may be surprised how quickly his parenting skills develop. My husband used to take our daughter to her swimming lessons. The first one I thought "shall I remind him what he needs to pack" but stopped myself. He remembered to pack her goggles, shower gel and towel/cape thing but forgot dry clothes to change into (she would put her wetsuit on at home and travel there wearing it). So he had to bring her home in the car in her soggy wetsuit, sitting on a carrier bag and wrapped in a towel. She thought it was funny. He never forgot again and I hadn't even needed to say anything!

This can be so hard, OP. I totally get it. However, this post still rather suggests you see your way as right and his as wrong. I think you need to shift that mindset. You're on the same team, work together.

One thing I found helped with me and my husband was that we had agreed the underlying principles of our parenting - boundaries, behaviour expectations, basic food stuff - but then we accepted that we were different people who might have different approaches to reaching the same outcome.

I think it's good for children to understand that there might be different rules and expectations with different adults and be able to adapt - grandparents will likely be more lax about some things, teachers may be stricter. You don't have to do everything the same way, and you can't control the behaviour of every other adult in your child's life.

When my husband and I disagree on something more fundamental now, we try not to contradict or undermine each other on the moment. If necessary, we will initiate a conversation about it later and both put our pov. We listen to each other and agree future course of action. We also chat about different parenting strategies and what has worked well/not well in different scenarios.

Immediate safety risk, speak up.

For the rest, you need to reframe your thinking by stepping back. Every time you intervene you undermine him and damage your relationship a little. But also, every time you interfere, you direct your energy towards others that could benefit you. Drop the rope, use the time for you, in whatever way works for you.

My husband doesn't read up on child related stuff. Has no clue about quartered grapes, rear facing child seats etc. Never remembers to get our son water with his breakfast. Sometimes doesn't tighten the seat belt enough. We are all good at some things and not at others. Its ok to mention some things. Maybe just count to 10 or mentally ask yourself if you need to raise it or not. And praise the good stuff in a non patronising way.

I think the trouble with ‘reading up on child related stuff’ is sometimes we are just reading other mums’ anxieties and intentionally or unintentionally absorbing them. In the past, women would have just consulted the older women in the family and learned from them. Now we are awash with parenting advice due to the internet, and it’s delivered as fact. I never quartered a grape in my life, halved yes for a certain period. Before everyone comes at me with their fears and worries, it’s too late. My kids have not choked and I feel fine about the level of risk, made my own choice. I also had a - gasp - home birth and chose to go to 42 weeks. Again, up to me the level of risk and other peoples anxieties about it are not my concern.

Anyway, I totally digress, but I’m illustrating that among mums there are huge differences of opinion about how to do things. There are very few hard and fast facts, much as some would have you believe it. Of course there are differences in how mums and dads do things, in the generalised sense, and that’s good. Ultimately you are giving your son a really negative message about what it means to be a man - someone that is a bit dim or even dangerous, who needs a woman to be in charge of him. That’s not how you want him to grow up I assume. If you really want to stop you will, ultimately theres a larger, anxious part of you that wants to control. But it’s not your DH’s job to manage your anxiety, or your sons. Well done for acknowledging the issue - such an important part of tackling it.

Decide you will only intervene if it's a safety issue rather than your preference. Literally ask yourself "is this about safety or my preference?" And if it's preference, force yourself to shut up.

You are in serious danger of marginalising your husband. You will find that he gives up, and then you will be doing literally everything and feeling really sad that you're not operating as equal members of a team. Is that worth whatever you're getting out of nitpicking now?

My friend and her dh divorced after years of her saying that he was useless with the dcs but criticised everything he did. Nothing was right so he gave up. She still says he was useless but the poor guy didn't stand a chance.
Pick your battles carefully. Yes if its something like ensuring grapes are cut up because of the choking hazard then you need to make him aware of that.
Don't forget everyone is new to parenting at some point and maybe he needs support rather than criticism. At least he's interested in his child. Many dad's aren't.