Is Love Just Not My Destiny?

[MakeThatMakeSense]

Perhaps some people aren't destined for love. And perhaps that's me.

I wish I could know whether it's on the cards for me. So if it's not on the cards, I could just adjust my expectations of this life accordingly and try to accept I'll go without. But as it stands, I have a flicker of hope within that doesn't ever quite go out, and yet takes effort to keep it lit...!!

I'm 38, no kids, no pets. I've lived alone for almost 14years. Got hobbies, volunteer, stay fit, got my own -albeit very small- business. I'm out there! Living life! But gosh I get lonely sometimes. Friends just do not fill the relationship-shaped hole for me. And in fact, if I was to accept that I'd never find love, I would be more likely to focus more of my time on pursuing my interests rather than building general friendships. I can be a bit introverted.

I've always been single except for a ~5yr on/off relationship with an older divorced man who I got very attached to at a vulnerable time in my life, years ago. He would never fully commit to me and I eventually realised that you can't force someone to feel the same about you as you feel about them. It took me a little while to get over that!

The guys I've met aside from that have just all been.. disappointing. Either too dominant/controlling, or leaving me feeling like their mother, or just not good enough, don't make enough effort, etc etc.

This year so far, I dated an old friend of ~10+ years (the friendship group was fading so I thought, what the heck, and risked it). Everyone was constantly telling me what a lovely guy he was , its crazy that he's single, we'd be perfect together. So, what the hell, okay then. Dated him for 2months or so. Oh boy, did he get comfortable quickly! Leaving me to pick up after him when visiting my house, but didn't return the favour at his. Voiced this to him. His response "I'll try to get better at those things". Eurgh. I'm not about to teach manners to a fully grown man. Bye.

That was around June.

Aweek ago I went on a solo day out to a nearby city. I got talking to a guy there about a historical artefact. Had a nice convo. Swapped numbers. Turns out he lives right by me. He texted me to ask me out straight away! Wow. Ballsy, I like it! Well. Met him for coffee and... I felt quite bored. I was disappointed..! I thought we had chemistry when we first spoke.

Nevermind....

But... At the age of 38 now. I'm just thinking... Am I ever going to meet someone I actually mutually click with?! Surely it would have happened by now?

Anyway. I'll just keep getting out there, I suppose.

Until then I just feel tired of living alone with no one to ever look after me. Sorry. Just feeling a bit disappointed at the course of things at the moment. Life can be lonely. I wish I had love.

Have you tried online dating? Met my DH online and I know lots of other success stories.

Feels like my whole dating life is a series of very short "relationships" ending in the guy behaving in a way that I find really unacceptable and so I end it

I know that makes me sound like a narcissist but I'm talking really unacceptable things as described in my post (or worse). I try to be selective but I'm aware I need to also give people a chance. At least I don't hang around wasting time when true colours have been shown. But it's frustrating to have put in, often unreciprocated effort, UK to that point in the hopes of building something. The only time I've wasted was in that 5 ye in/off situationship. And even then I continued to date (and be disappointed) during the 'off' times.

No idea why I'm posting this tbh. Just ranting really. Got no one to rant to in real life!!!!

Hi. Thanks.
I have tried it in the past but it uses so much time and makes me feel a bit crap and too focused on getting responses from guys that actually I don't even know.

I really don't want to resort to it again tbh. I'd rather meet people in real life.

I met my on/off relationship in speed dating. I'm considering going again. But I'm thinking... Why bother! Negative mindset right now I suppose

Just honestly think I'm not destined??

It's annoying as I have loads of nice clothes etc to wear on dates (I wear them anyway). I just would love to have them appreciated by someone special....!!

Try the Burned Haystacks Dating Method, there's a free version on FB or a book just out. It doesn't sound like you have a problem finding men, more that they tend to reveal themselves pretty early to be disappointing in some way. It's worth using BHDM to go online, be ruthless, and then weed out 95% of them based on texts and profiles so that you ideally get left with a few to date who you can then start to get to know better.

I don't think you did anything wrong with either of the situations this year, you can't meet someone if you are wasting time with the wrong person. I agree that babying someone who can't care for themselves is very tiresome, although I also have to say that one of my best relationships was poor in the cleaning department and although it infuriated me, I got a cleaner and wouldn't have missed that relationship for the world.

The second one, disappointing but I think right to go on a date and check it out, right to move on if the person is not for you, although I do also think instant chemistry isn't always necessary, or at least it's worth a snog to find out sometimes. My current partner was nice on our first date but it was only on locking lips on our second that I thought wow. We also developed a rapport over time, rather than him being highly entertaining from the start. I don't mind steady guys thought these days, I'm a bit boring myself.

Give BHDM a try, you sound lovely, funny, and a catch, it is just a matter of keeping going if you'd like to find someone, but I think if you can be even more strategic about it, better as it stops you getting too downhearted. Plus breaks, no-one wants to hang around online dating too much.

Dear universe,

Please lead me to a man
Who listens and is a good person
Who is handsome but not up himself
Who dresses in a nice classic style
Who compliments my outfits when I make an effort
Who likes coffee
Who likes cats
Who likes hiking
Who appreciates art
Who appreciates me
Who shares chores
Who doesn't eat much junk food at all
Who doesn't drink too much
Who is not bothered about having kids
Who is not one of these hippie/free spirit traveller types
Who shares me humour
Who likes the same interior design as me
Who likes the same TV shows and films as me
Who is open minded to new experiences
Who is a little bit older than me
Who keeps fit but not fanatically
Who is kinda quiet but not shy
Who is intelligent
Who people generally like/admire
Who is patient and foresees when I might struggle with something
Who is considerate and not judgemental
Who has nice family members

Please universe 🙏 Come on...

Am I asking too much???.

I see you have put you don't want to meet someone online. I think that will diminish your pool unless you spend a lot of time in places where eligible single men aged 35-40 hang out. I found it almost impossible to meet slightly older men in the wild, and you can't tell which ones are single. If you live in a big city though, speed dating or some type of singles events club, restaurants, walking, might work well.

This is all normal wants, and there are great men out there. Unfortunately they are often hidden, especially online by a deluge of weird and pushy and married men. I can't recommend Burned Haystacks enough for this, and you can use the techniques in real life too. My current partner fits your bill completely but I did wade through a huge amount of profiles and 'blocked to burn' (which is the BHDM) to find him. I found him within weeks of looking though.

Thank you.

Burned Haystacks. I had to Google it.

Admittedly, I have never tried online dating with a "strategy".

Hmm.

....
There is a singles event on Halloween where I live. I have a perfect outfit to wear (not a costume haha just a nice black outfit)

I think I'm gonna buy a ticket. And if that's no good... Then yeah maybe I'll cave. Eurgh. God. Okay.

Thanks. I was just feeling a bit pessimistic tonight.

You could try online dating again but don’t faff around sending loads of messages. Seek out people with similar hobbies and interests and just meet for a quick 1 hour coffee or quick 1 hour drink after work. Don’t waste time on loads of messaging and don’t waste your whole weekend on big dating plans, just keep it short and sweet and rattle through the dates!

You’re going to have a lot of competition for that man if you ever find him!

If I’m being brutally honest, the way it works for many of us is that you give up hope of finding someone with all the qualities and attributes you’re looking for. You throw in your lot with someone whose company you enjoy, with similar values and some common interests, where you can’t see any massive red flags, and you accept that there will be certain perennial conflicts and incompatibilities and irritations that never go away until you both die, and with any luck you become better at navigating these, and discover more flexibility and develop different aspects of yourselves along the way. With less luck you end up resentful and keenly aware of the compromises you’ve made.

Being brutally honest again, I think a lot of people marry or move in together not because they’re certain they’ve met the love of their lives, but because life as a couple offers economies of scale. Most people can’t afford to rent, let alone buy a property on their own, and flat sharing gets depressing after a certain age, and you can get a smaller property if you’re sharing a bedroom.

Women who have enough money to live conformably on their own can afford (literally) to compromise a lot less on what they want from a relationship, particularly if they’re not bothered about having children. You’re a lot less likely to be hoodwinked by illusions of romance if you’re not dating under some form of economic or reproductive duress.

So basically, if it’s important to you to find a partner with all those attributes, and there’s no practical reason that might compel you to consider settling for anything less, I absolutely salute you in holding out for him. Through considering what I hear from my friends who are dating, it is bleak out there.

Thank you.
This is the thing.
I think I'm wired in such a way that I was quite determined to not have to rely on someone else.
Which is good in a way.. I'm not well off, but I can support myself. And besides, a lot of the things I like to do aren't very costly anyway. So I'm A-OK on my own in that way.

But I think it's exactly that same wiring that makes me.. I dunno. Like, if I feel I'm getting short changed then I'm unlikely to hang around. So therefore I'm alone.

I don't know if the man I describe exists.
But then I think of all the people in the world right now. And suuuuurely there must be a man , ONE MAN, matching my description, whose other half is taking him for granted, goes and cheats on him or something... And right this minute, he's becoming single....
...And maybe, just maybe, we'll cross paths.

But yeah. Compromise is sometimes struggle. This is why I need them to like the things I like. Or, we just keep our separate homes but still love each other. Hmm.

@MakeThatMakeSense keeping separate homes is the key to relationship success, IME.

If I could go back to just dating DH, and only have to share living space with his filthy disorganised arse a couple of nights a week, and never have to make major life decisions with him, I think we’d be a pretty happy couple as these things go. But we have DC and pets and not enough money for separate houses. So we bicker a lot and sometimes regret our life choices. 🤣

With the coffee guy, did you try any more dates?
I’d give each new date 3 dates in different settings to see: it takes time and nerves to date.

poetry op. this is exactly what poets are wanging on about every time i open a book of poetry. here you are with all this depth and love and magic and there just doesn't seen anywhere to land. it’s a weird sort of bittersweet loneliness. i’m choosing to believe there is someone out there who can go some way to match my arcana. i’m happy to wait because when it slips quietly into my life, and it will, i won’t need to turn myself inside out to make it fit. and until then all the scoundrels and clowns can keep moving past.

The universe will deliver but it doesn't work to a shopping list. Meanwhile take the pressure off yourself.

The (few) men who meet your criteria AND who want to be in a committed relationship will be in those relationships by late 30s/40s.

I know many happy couples who probably wouldn’t meet each other’s lists of partner perfection but have taken a chance when much younger and muddled though together. I am much older and literally know not one man who would meet that list although I know many wonderful men.

I certainly don’t believe in destiny and fate and not sure about Hollywood and romance novel style Love. It’s lust and friendship and shared plans and mutual support alongside maturity and a robust sense of humour that gets people through.

You’re looking for the 1% so will have to be ruthlessly efficient in your search. As PPs have said that’s purposeful online dating. There is no destiny that’s going to throw you together with Mr Perfect.

"Dear universe,
Please lead me to a man
Who listens and is a good person
Who is handsome but not up himself
Who dresses in a nice classic style
Who compliments my outfits when I make an effort
Who likes coffee"

By this line I had pretty much ruled out every man on the planet apart from George Clooney and sadly he's already married.

I think you need to ditch your list.

i want a man who is compelled to write poetry about me. and i know how ridiculous that sounds given the absolute wall to wall gallery of assholes i have put up with in a earlier life but i’m doing it different this time and unless he comes at me with barely legible self penned poems on torn bits of paper from the printer he can keep out my way! he also needs to be kind hearted. i realise this may be a rarer feature than the first.

Hi
No. Tbh neither of us contacted each other again after that. I do take on board what you're saying though.
The coffee date was not one that I'd see again though. I think the reason I was bored was because we had nothing in common

I feel seen. Haha.
Hmm. Well good luck to us both. I really hope it arrives. And, like... kinda soon.
Sometimes I think I'll wait so long I'll be ~80 and by that point have gone off the whole idea.

Okay. I mean. I try not to pressure it. I go back and forth feeling like I don't give a damn one minute, and feeling like I really desperately want it another.
To be fair that's actually the first time I've ever made a list. Is the list so restrictive?!

I suppose yes, I'm looking for the 1%.

I decided I'm going to try online dating either next month or in January for the new ywar

Are you part of any poetry writing clubs?
I really think you can find him! I really do!

Really?!?!?!? Likes coffee was the final straw?
Oh my gosh
I'm screwed