Is Love Just Not My Destiny?

[MakeThatMakeSense]

Perhaps some people aren't destined for love. And perhaps that's me.

I wish I could know whether it's on the cards for me. So if it's not on the cards, I could just adjust my expectations of this life accordingly and try to accept I'll go without. But as it stands, I have a flicker of hope within that doesn't ever quite go out, and yet takes effort to keep it lit...!!

I'm 38, no kids, no pets. I've lived alone for almost 14years. Got hobbies, volunteer, stay fit, got my own -albeit very small- business. I'm out there! Living life! But gosh I get lonely sometimes. Friends just do not fill the relationship-shaped hole for me. And in fact, if I was to accept that I'd never find love, I would be more likely to focus more of my time on pursuing my interests rather than building general friendships. I can be a bit introverted.

I've always been single except for a ~5yr on/off relationship with an older divorced man who I got very attached to at a vulnerable time in my life, years ago. He would never fully commit to me and I eventually realised that you can't force someone to feel the same about you as you feel about them. It took me a little while to get over that!

The guys I've met aside from that have just all been.. disappointing. Either too dominant/controlling, or leaving me feeling like their mother, or just not good enough, don't make enough effort, etc etc.

This year so far, I dated an old friend of ~10+ years (the friendship group was fading so I thought, what the heck, and risked it). Everyone was constantly telling me what a lovely guy he was , its crazy that he's single, we'd be perfect together. So, what the hell, okay then. Dated him for 2months or so. Oh boy, did he get comfortable quickly! Leaving me to pick up after him when visiting my house, but didn't return the favour at his. Voiced this to him. His response "I'll try to get better at those things". Eurgh. I'm not about to teach manners to a fully grown man. Bye.

That was around June.

Aweek ago I went on a solo day out to a nearby city. I got talking to a guy there about a historical artefact. Had a nice convo. Swapped numbers. Turns out he lives right by me. He texted me to ask me out straight away! Wow. Ballsy, I like it! Well. Met him for coffee and... I felt quite bored. I was disappointed..! I thought we had chemistry when we first spoke.

Nevermind....

But... At the age of 38 now. I'm just thinking... Am I ever going to meet someone I actually mutually click with?! Surely it would have happened by now?

Anyway. I'll just keep getting out there, I suppose.

Until then I just feel tired of living alone with no one to ever look after me. Sorry. Just feeling a bit disappointed at the course of things at the moment. Life can be lonely. I wish I had love.

“Nobody is ever going to be perfect and tick every box. The women I know who are long term single are always those with unrealistic standards looking for mr perfect.”

I agree with @MidnightMeltdown. Also, I’m not perfect so i don’t expect perfection.

It also makes me wonder whether, OP, you are in reality somewhat avoidant rather than truly wanting the feelings and occasional chaoticness that come with a love relationship.

That's a long tick list. Nothing too demanding or unreasonable, granted, but I'm wondering how you would find a good match with that level of precision.

Not criticising, I like to see standards, but just want to say when I met my DH, I didn't initially think we'd get on. We have no real interests or hobbies in common and absolutely do not watch the same TV or films.

Somehow we have managed to muddle through for many happy years with mutual love, respect and understanding. You might find your person, and throw him away because he doesn't like your choice in decorating?

Maybe don't look for a mirror image, perfect could be boring.

it sounds like you consider yourself to be a great catch and want the same in a man. Fair enough. Unfortunately the best men are snapped up in their 20s and any left over will be looking for younger women.

if you want a man, you compromise, I’m afraid and you sound quite unbending. Noone will meet your stiff criteria.

But I actually agree with your OP. I think some people are just unlucky in love.

Only you can say if it is too much. I can see quite a few items on your list which are of absolutely no relevance to how good a relationship is.
How much does the liking for cats and coffee really matter? You don't have pets and would it really make much of a difference if you ordered a late and he had a cup of tea? And would it really matter if he had a different taste for interior design? I am currently redecorating my house and my partner always says "I am not sure how I would feel about this in my house but it's your house and this colour you picked is very you". He is also a year younger than me which, honestly, I frequently forget about despite dating older guys my entire life.
So yes, it's great to have a list but some things are worth keeping a bit open and give someone a chance.
Can't be arsed with men not being house trained but an odd bag of crisps isn't going to make or break a relationship.

Definitely don't give up hope as I managed to bag myself one of those poets :)
He writes on nice hand-made paper too...

What if you manage to meet the man who has the perfect dress sense / interior decor style/ taste in TV and film / dietary habits / etc, but he’s looking for a woman who must share his enthusiasm for amateur herpetology and daily tantric ice baths, who’s willing to join his polycule, and he isn’t prepared to compromise?

This is the thing about lists of attributes. Someone can have all the things you want, but you might not have the things they want. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve compared your list to the most perfect husband I know amongst friend’s men.
My candidate is of course already married with children and has been unavailable since he was 24 but despite being a kind, funny, fit, handsome, intelligent, gentle nerdy type who bakes his own bread and grinds his own beans - would fail your test.
His wife complains (light heartedly) that he never compliments her or notices or cares what she wears or what the house looks like. He leaves planning to her and refuses to dance. He’s a wonderful man but also a whole human.
I think most of the men who would pass your test are gay!

Hi OP just to add that I didn't get one of my big shopping list qualities - humour - and my husband is quite serious but I got loyalty, good intimacy, looks and dress sense and someone motivated and a hard worker and provider who loves our children and works hard for them and us. My husband would say he got someone kind, hardworking but emotional whose weight has gone up and down a bit... Perfection doesn't exist and people are not an internet order so it can never be perfect but hopefully we try our best and when we have the downs we try to be positive and make it better x

FWIW, I don't think you should ditch your list but I think you might find you need to reflect on which items you're prepared to compromise a little on. Eg which ones are absolute deal breakers and which would be 'nice to have'.

If I were to write down my list, it would be a similar length to yours but they didn't all carry an equal weighting. Some of the items would be similar and others completely different to yours but I knew which were non negotiables and where there was wiggle room.

Eg I'm not really interested in looks. Obviously, I need to find someone attractive but I'm drawn more to quirky individuality, facial expressions and a mischievous twinkle of the eye than someone who is classically good looking or has perfect features.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. He's slightly outside of my ideal age range; I'm generally attracted to short men and he's 6ft; and I like deep intellectual conversations which he has no real interest in but I have my son for that. But in all the most important aspects, he is right for me.

Also remember that part of the joy of a long term relationship is how you develop and evolve within it and what you learn and take from each other. I'd be less interested in someone who ticked all my boxes but was very rigid and set in their ways and interests than I would in someone who was open to trying new things and new experiences. Eg my partner had a terrible diet when we met. Really awful (in my opinion) and certainly not food I would ever choose to eat. But it was one that he learnt growing up and one he shared with his wife of 20 years, his later partner of a decade and the diet his children were raised on. But he was open and willing to try the foods I cooked and ate, didn't mock, showed curiosity and is now an excellent cook. I'd much rather that than someone who wasn't willing to adapt.

You're actually not at all likely to meet someone who ticks every one of your boxes but you can aim to find someone with whom youre at least compatible. They don't have to be just like you.

I found one who (almost!) matches your list on Bumble although I’m early 50’s so appreciate that’s a classic age for 2nd time round so to speak.

Only thing is he does have (older) DC and not sure on his art appreciation…. 😂

I’d give OLD a go but keep your no -negotiables up front and preferences in the back of your mind.

I was thinking this. Straight men are not, generally speaking, into clothes or interior design.

OP have you considered dating women?

anyway op you know how love makes fools of us. your list is going to get ripped to shreds when HE actually shows up. you’ll be compromising like a Tory!

(I know that you said generally speaking) but my partner is straight and he loves interior design, I'm lucky enough to share the same tastes as him in that regard too.

OP, before I met him, one of my preferences was same taste in music, which was quite important, but I've realised it isn't as important as I originally thought. What I do have is someone who listens, takes on board my insecurities, is trustworthy and reliable etc and enjoys walking, much more important to me.

Your list is pretty superficial stuff and unless you are some super model no offence, you are splitting hairs in the 1%

I think the burn hay stack method would work but you need to cut your list down, for example many men don’t care what the inside of the home looks like and would let you pick how it looks. Some who eat a lot of takeaways might be influenced by you and get into cooking, what in trying to say is there are so many possibilities and if you went solely off your list, it still wouldn’t be guaranteed that you would like that individual. I was dating a guy who objectively was very handsome and was incredibly kind, then I found myself not being attracted due to him not being very manly and got the ick when he sulked getting stung by a stinging nettle like he broke a nail. lol

You need to cut your list down to quarter of the size, what are the exact main things, maybe put it down to 4 things that have to be on your partner.

Hi all. Needed a little break from this as was busy with work.

For now I'm still avoiding online dating. Although, I did see some sort of app called Time left? (No idea why it's called that, makes me think of terminal illness or something!) Which is where you just turn up to a group dinner of 5 random people. You don't know who they're gonna be til you get there. At least, that what it seems to be. Might consider that. I just can't be doing with swiping and messaging

Anyway, I sent a 1 word reply to coffee guy. Coz ultimately I wasn't really feeling it. And then he didn't reply either. I think we were both not feeling it.

In the meantime, some guy I met through work has asked me to do a running race with him in a week. I dunno if he is asking as mate or not. Anyway he has a fancy coffee machine, which he sent me a picture of, and his kitchen looked quite nice though a bit plain 😂 also he has no kids. He sometimes dresses nice... but sometimes wears the worst clothes like omg. Also he's shorter than me coz I'm a lanky So and so. So. Hmm. Not sure. He seems funny! So. Possible. We'll see.

I'll get back to you on a few points, but... Bizarrely, although j started this post feeling quite negative, for some reason reading the replies has made me more optimistic. Even though most of them are telling me I'm kinda deluded. Haha

oops double posted

Definitely worth a running race! You sound great OP and have taken all our advice on the chin, I predict you will find someone lovely!

Hey!
For anyone still interested.....

I went out with race guy. Did the race together. He was fast, I couldn't keep up!!
It was nice talking to him. He is very clever 🤔
I've seen him a few times in between at work events and he is always looking so sharp with gorgeous clothes and his hair styled dead gorgeous. Also he has really nice eyes.
He pays me complements...

He wants a cat... And one day a dog. I was like 🙄 cats only!!! 🤣

He wants to take me out again soon. He really makes me feel looked after in his company, it's nice without being OTT.

One thing though is.. he seems to be have a LOT of energy. Like... I can be a bit day-dreamy. Meanwhile he is really sharp and alert and talks a million miles an hour. Makes me feel a bit like he is running rings around me. I actually think he's super intelligent and it's a slight struggle for me to keep up. Feels like I'm still digesting one sentence when he's already moved onto the next.
But maybe he's just excited at the moment to go out with me. Maybe he'll calm down a bit.

Also... 🙈 he has a bit of bad breath. I noticed It once talking to him, and then a few days later he picked me up in his car (which was immaculately clean) and I noticed It when sat in the car next to him, in the enclosed space.

It smells to me like he's got a tonsil stone or a decaying tooth that needs seeing to.
I am someone who obsessively flosses my teeth coz I am scared of ever having to get dental treatment. And also I am prone to tonsil stones so I flush my tonsils everrrry day.
So I don't wanna accept bad breath!

But he is really nice so far.

Shall I say something? Or shall I see him again and see whether I like him first?

I haven't kissed him. I don't feel like kissing anyone yet at the moment.

Bad breath is a killer and in the beginning that’s when you are top of your game think six months down the line when he’s more comfortable.. I dunno if you can come back from telling someone there breath too. I feel for you.

I am not destined either OP, having tried multiple times and a varying type of man. I see now that my peace with myself is my goal and won't jeopardise that. I am financially set and have a calm life doing whatever I like. I have wonderful kids and pets and although I am on a budget I see it as a challenge that restores balance to all the good. I feel like I have what everyone is searching for by attaching themselves to someone else already without the myriad negatives.

Age old wisdom suggests "Have a wank, then reassess whether you really need a partner". 😂

The trouble is that the man who ticks all your requirements will attract the 20 something lingerie models or heiresses with a daddy with a heart condition...

For normal women, your Mr 1% just isn't available to you.

Need to trim that list...

Your standards are high (rightly) but I don’t think anyone will live up to them so you’re destined to be single. Maybe forge an interesting life for yourself and keep/make nice friends.