Is Love Just Not My Destiny?

[MakeThatMakeSense]

Perhaps some people aren't destined for love. And perhaps that's me.

I wish I could know whether it's on the cards for me. So if it's not on the cards, I could just adjust my expectations of this life accordingly and try to accept I'll go without. But as it stands, I have a flicker of hope within that doesn't ever quite go out, and yet takes effort to keep it lit...!!

I'm 38, no kids, no pets. I've lived alone for almost 14years. Got hobbies, volunteer, stay fit, got my own -albeit very small- business. I'm out there! Living life! But gosh I get lonely sometimes. Friends just do not fill the relationship-shaped hole for me. And in fact, if I was to accept that I'd never find love, I would be more likely to focus more of my time on pursuing my interests rather than building general friendships. I can be a bit introverted.

I've always been single except for a ~5yr on/off relationship with an older divorced man who I got very attached to at a vulnerable time in my life, years ago. He would never fully commit to me and I eventually realised that you can't force someone to feel the same about you as you feel about them. It took me a little while to get over that!

The guys I've met aside from that have just all been.. disappointing. Either too dominant/controlling, or leaving me feeling like their mother, or just not good enough, don't make enough effort, etc etc.

This year so far, I dated an old friend of ~10+ years (the friendship group was fading so I thought, what the heck, and risked it). Everyone was constantly telling me what a lovely guy he was , its crazy that he's single, we'd be perfect together. So, what the hell, okay then. Dated him for 2months or so. Oh boy, did he get comfortable quickly! Leaving me to pick up after him when visiting my house, but didn't return the favour at his. Voiced this to him. His response "I'll try to get better at those things". Eurgh. I'm not about to teach manners to a fully grown man. Bye.

That was around June.

Aweek ago I went on a solo day out to a nearby city. I got talking to a guy there about a historical artefact. Had a nice convo. Swapped numbers. Turns out he lives right by me. He texted me to ask me out straight away! Wow. Ballsy, I like it! Well. Met him for coffee and... I felt quite bored. I was disappointed..! I thought we had chemistry when we first spoke.

Nevermind....

But... At the age of 38 now. I'm just thinking... Am I ever going to meet someone I actually mutually click with?! Surely it would have happened by now?

Anyway. I'll just keep getting out there, I suppose.

Until then I just feel tired of living alone with no one to ever look after me. Sorry. Just feeling a bit disappointed at the course of things at the moment. Life can be lonely. I wish I had love.

I met my husband online but I did use a pretty ruthless strategy. It was on Match, I wouldn't use any of the free sites like PoF etc. I did a wide radius around my home but then reduced based on height, income etc preferences . I went through all the photos and excluded any which just weren't for me on looks. I then glanced through the profiles and knocked out any that weren't right for me based on what they had written. It took time but I had a shorter list.
I never spent a lot of time on messages because people can be different in real life. I met up for a coffee and to see if we clicked. You've got to get yourself in the mindset of meeting up with someone ...rather than it being a 'big date' or the majority of time you'll be disappointed. I met a lot of men, most were good chaps but I didn't feel any chemistry. A couple became friends. Only 2 were dreadful ...one turned up with a huge gold chain and stared at my boobs ...one just wanted to talk about his share portfolio for most of the date. It was a coffee and chat though...easy to escape from ...and I did ...quickly. So the filtering isn't fail safe.
It's not romantic and is mercenary, but its one way of taking down a large field of men to potential loves. Alot of men on dating sites are 'single for a reason' but some are just normal men looking for the right person, like us.
The romantic in me also went to pottery, wine tasting and reiki classes ... in the hope I'll just bump into Mr Right. I didn't, but met some nice people and learned more skills 😀

Just keep going, there is someone out there that’s perfect for you, you’re meeting people and chatting which is the important part, you’ll have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.

Are you part of any poetry writing clubs?
I really think you can find him! I really do!

i am planning on making a regular nuisance of myself at the library which is trying to find one in the wild i guess or i could traipse across the meadows at dusk looking for a middle aged but young at heart man soulfully admiring the change of the season. not sure what a man would look like doing that but we have to get adventurous and trust it will stand out from all the dross.

It's actually 1% 0f the 1%. That's why it is probably going to be a chance encounter. When the planets align etc etc........

I met a man like this on Tinder of all places. We are both mid 50s and coming up to 2 years together. He hasn't disappointed me yet. And is just as interested and interesting as he was at the outset. So it is possible.

I think you might be asking too much. When interior decoration choices, fast food and fashion are a factor, you are being way to picky. Stick to the basics, but age is an issue. Many decent 40 yo men were snapped up quick and are all married. Expand your age ranges maybe and remember relationships are compromise, just know what's a deal breaker for you.
My lovely DH has no style, loves video games and kebabs, but our core values match well and we can work around takeaways and gaming.

I can't go out with a guy whose clothes I don't like. I've tried in the past. To me, dress sense is a core value. I absolutely love clothes. I feel I'd I go out with a guy who doesn't have a good way of presenting himself, it takes away from my outfit that I've carefully chosen. And also I feel they wouldn't be able to properly appreciate the effort I make with my outfits or the joy I get from clothes if they don't appreciate those things for themself.

Also the junk food. Eating healthy is a core value to me. For example I don't like to get takeaways because to me that unhealthy and a waste of money so it's two core values that don't align for me. I do have chocolate and ice cream quite a bit though but I really wish I could resist. So I don't want someone who is going to encourage me to eat those things.

Hmm. Reading this back, maybe I'm a bit uptight. But what can I do? I am who I am. Surely there is a man who would think the same or appreciate this about me....😬 I don't want to pretend to be laid back when I'm not that person

Thank you for giving me faith 🙏

Interestingly, coffee man has just texted me today.
Hmm.
I did like his clothes a lot. And he said he likes to eat healthy. Maybe I could give him 1 more shot.

I dunno though... He has a 4 year old kid.. I'm just a bit like.. hmm. It put me off....

The interior design thing was because home is my world. I love art, interior design, architecture. I couldn't make a home with someone who I clashed with on this because how would we ever style our own house? It's a big deal to me. But yeah, maybe best to stay living solo...

You've worded those in a relatively mild way, to try and seem reasonable, but ...

• Who likes the same interior design as me
• Who likes the same TV shows and films as me
• Who is open minded to new experiences

Not only are the first two vanishingly unlikely, given the number of potential options for interior design, TV and films, ...

but the third is either contradictory or incredibly self-centred. You want someone to match your views on random design and TV entirely, but they themselves must be open to new experiences! While you don't want to be presented with anything new?

This is another human being, like you, you're looking for. Not a product or bot. This isn't how it works. They're going to be an imperfect person, with their own little likes and hates and stuff.

Funnily enough I do actually believe in planetary alignments 😆

Haha, hmm yes thats an interesting point!
To me home is not an experience. If that makes sense. And I am more open minded that how I've sounded here. But, I do hear you... That has made me reflect 🤔 thanks

The TV shows and films thing was because I would like to do that as an activity together. I am a bit of a homebody so an ideal evening would be homemade dinner followed by TV or film on the sofa.

OP, get thee on Burned Haystacks or on the dating threads here and check out some of your thinking.

You are basically saying you want a male version of you. That's not a real person! Decide on your top five deal breakers- so clothes, similar desire to not have more kids, education, and so on and make a list of those, and those are your core essentials and the others are just 'nice to have'.

He might have a dog, like completely different interior decor or not care about it at all, like action films (a lot of men do like these and Marvel etc), and you might have different hobbies or ways of being in the world. He might not eat the same as you either, he's not you and he won't have the same exact view on health like not getting takeaways. In fact, I'd be very surprised if he did!

This is a shopping list of an ideal man, and to put not too fine a point on it, these type of kind, but masculine, but handsome, but loves animals, but loves the gym but not too much...these are rare types of people and at over 40, which is your desired age for them, the vast majority of nice decent guys will be settled down and onto their first families.

They will appear again, after divorce, but with baggage, and families. Do you realistically expect no man of 40 to have kids?

You sound lovely, but you aren't looking for a you, you are looking for a whole different person with whom you are going to build a life together, so take it in turns to watch different films, have a dog and a cat, have his child over on weekends or whatever.

It isn't about settling, it's about setting your core essentials you need (sympathetic, supportive, hot to you) and the rest is negotiable.

I don't think you'll find someone that will tick every single box of yours but for me, finally, I've met my match who ticks all mine but 2! And I'm old (and fussy!).

Some things like interior design - can you compromise on, is it really that important? Coffee and art..why coffee? You've got lots of other hobbies on your list. It's also important to have hobbies independently from each other.

I think it's wise to be picky but also open to compromises.

I think people don't give people a chance. Unless of anything really obviously not right, I give people a few dates or a bit of time to get to know each other. People tend to grow on me and you find more you like, the more time you give it.

You have quite a long list. Maybe cut it down and focus on the things you really won’t compromise on. If I wrote down on paper exactly what I wanted then I wouldn’t have met my lovely husband. We appreciate different things, enjoy different things but respect each other’s opinions and interests.
He isn’t perfect but neither am I. We are very different people who together make the other person better.
Try online dating, chat to the ones who can hold a conversation and seem interested in you. You never know the non perfect person may become your perfect person.

There's probably some things you could compromise on in there 😂Not the important stuff though. If I was you I would go ahead and live my life not looking for love but it may find you and if it doesn't you'll not have wasted time you could have spent concentrating more on your hobbies

Who has nice family members

god yes. i swear if a single man has a lovely elderly mum who loves chatting and crafts i don’t care if he can’t dance/listens to coldplay

Yes, but you can ‘adjust’ some things but not others. You can help him to dress well and expand his food choices … you are on a road to nowhere trying to change his personal values though.
My husband still does stuff which drives me up the wall …he can’t put things away after he had used it … and I moan about it … which sticks for a week! He could be more romantic. He likes to hold onto things for no discernible reason. I have a whole list of his misdeeds!!! He’s a good chap though, hardworking, easy-going, funny and is always in my corner.
I don’t think anyone is perfect.

Men like that exist but the hardest on those lists is same sense of humour, DH and I do but it doesn’t mean it would match yours.

Plus some of his family are irritating AF

Absolutely never touching a takeaway. we probably only have them every couple of months maybe six weeks but to never is unusual these days.

I love horror films, DH hates them, we watch one a year together on Halloween after the trick or treaters have been.

I wouldn’t give a shit if people liked him except my close friends.

Hmmm - you have a long and very exacting list of boxes and you want one man to tick all of them. It just reminds me of the extensive list of qualities that Miss Bingley and Mr Darcy demanded for an accomplished woman, which Elizabeth Bennett challenged (and i can imagine how we would react if a man posted on here an equivalent list of desired qualities for a woman). It sounds to me like you don’t want an actual man with his own humanity and his own shape, you want some kind of identikit version built purely to suit you.

The man for you is Mr. ChatGPT! He’ll be anything you want him to be! 😂

Yes, I think so. Nobody is ever going to be perfect and tick every box. The women I know who are long term single are always those with unrealistic standards looking for mr perfect.