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Original poster

How to deal with a depressed but angry friend

94 replies

dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 14:28

Username changed for this.

I have a friend who I have known for years now and who I have spent a lot of time with, we have become very close as time has gone by. We see each often even if just for a drink/coffee and a catch up.
She has always been a bit on the depressed side and I think she struggles with anxiety but recently it has become much worse.

The problem is she is very low key angry as well as miserable these days and picks fights with me about almost anything I say, even tiny things that just don't matter. She's also very defensive, talks about her problems constantly but won't listen to any advice, in fact she argues against any advice I might try to give. And everything is a big drama even if it's a fairly small problem that is soon fixed. If I don't react enough when she tells me something that's happened, she goes on and on about it until it seems a much bigger problem than it really is.

It's incredibly wearing and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. She also never asks me how I am. My life isn't perfect by any imagination, as she well knows, but there is never any interest in what is going on with me.

I think about not getting in touch and just letting the friendship drift but then I feel guilty because I know her behaviour is down to depression. She can be great, we used to have a real laugh together. I know she isn't a horrible person although she is often behaving like that at the moment, to me
Interestingly, if we see anyone else when we are out she is sweetness and light to them, a completely different person.

Has anyone else experienced anything likes this and could offer any advice? I don't want to end the friendship but how do I handle her behaviour towards me?

OP posts:
Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 15:13

What on earth is she picking fights about??

LeebLeefuhLurve · 04/10/2026 15:15

I'm no stranger to depression, and never in the history of ever has it made me pick fights or be an arsehole to my friends

Getalittle · 04/10/2026 15:16

Up to you really, she sounds totally self absorbed

Smallbrowndog · 04/10/2026 15:16

Have you tried talking to her about she's making you feel?

Additup · 04/10/2026 15:18

I don't know what to recommend OP, but if you find something that works please report back because your friend sounds a lot like my teenage daughter.

Onceuponatime32 · 04/10/2026 15:18

Depression is no excuse. I wouldn’t see her again.

Yesitsweird · 04/10/2026 15:19

Plenty of people are depressed and don't act like this towards friends

HCM856 · 04/10/2026 15:22

Babe, I know you’re upset and angry and and I really want things to get better for you, in the meantime I can’t be your emotional punching. Things are bad enough without you continually adding negativity to our meetups. I’m not trying to hurt you, I want you to feel better but I’m only human and you’re upsetting me, I hope you understand.

Naurrr · 04/10/2026 15:23

She's not interested in you, picks fights, and chooses to be nice to other people.
What makes you think her horrible behaviour is due to depression?

How does the 'friendship' benefit you?

scottishflour · 04/10/2026 15:25

The problem is she is very low key angry as well as miserable these days and picks fights with me about almost anything I say, even tiny things that just don't matter. She's also very defensive, talks about her problems constantly but won't listen to any advice, in fact she argues against any advice I might try to give. And everything is a big drama even if it's a fairly small problem that is soon fixed. If I don't react enough when she tells me something that's happened, she goes on and on about it until it seems a much bigger problem than it really is.
She needs therapy. I'd not spend time with such a toxic person.

Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 15:36

Additup · 04/10/2026 15:18

I don't know what to recommend OP, but if you find something that works please report back because your friend sounds a lot like my teenage daughter.

Totally different!!

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:16

scottishflour · 04/10/2026 15:25

The problem is she is very low key angry as well as miserable these days and picks fights with me about almost anything I say, even tiny things that just don't matter. She's also very defensive, talks about her problems constantly but won't listen to any advice, in fact she argues against any advice I might try to give. And everything is a big drama even if it's a fairly small problem that is soon fixed. If I don't react enough when she tells me something that's happened, she goes on and on about it until it seems a much bigger problem than it really is.
She needs therapy. I'd not spend time with such a toxic person.

I hear what you are saying.

I suppose I am remembering how we used to have a good time when we met up and keep thinking that it will change.
Plus I don't have lots of friends so am loathe to lose one that I have done a lot of stuff with over the years but I guess that's not reason enough to hang around.

OP posts:
speakball · 04/10/2026 16:18

the truth is she doesn’t get a bit happier every time she does this. you’re not keeping her okay and functioning by being part of this. there’s no number of times she will do this before she runs out of whatever is causing this. firstly, have your phone to hand. when she starts the sucking, and you’ll feel it, pretend you’ve just had a message. say ‘hold on a minute’ and look at your phone concerned. hold her off for a few seconds. keep doing this when she tries to turn that corner. just don’t give it, divert your energy at your phone.

if she gets the message and isn't a terrible person she’ll understand and might have a little moment of clarity. but that is unlikely. if she gets angry with you and your phone or whoever is deigning to take the focus off her she isn’t in any way shape or form your friend. and then you simply should phase her out. fill your life with people who don’t see you as a safe punching bag. as you spend less time you’ll have less to talk about. trying to tackle it up front will not and can’t end well with people locked in such a narrative.

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:19

Naurrr · 04/10/2026 15:23

She's not interested in you, picks fights, and chooses to be nice to other people.
What makes you think her horrible behaviour is due to depression?

How does the 'friendship' benefit you?

I think it's depression related because I know her really well and I think she behaves like this to people she is close to when she is unhappy. I think she has pushed a lot of close family away and now it's me she is doing it to me instead.

It's kind of hard to explain and I don't want to give up on her because I know she is a very unhappy person deep down but it's dragging me down too now so I don't know what I do get from the friendship these days.

OP posts:
Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:21

What is she picking fights about?
how often do you get together?

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:21

Smallbrowndog · 04/10/2026 15:16

Have you tried talking to her about she's making you feel?

I have tried a couple of times and she managed to turn it round on me and make me feel like I was the one being difficult "I can't cope with you having a go at me on top of everything else" kind of vibe.

OP posts:
Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:23

is she doing anything to address it? Medication? Therapy?

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:26

Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:21

What is she picking fights about?
how often do you get together?

Literally everything these days, it's insane! Like anything I say she will have a different opinion on and manage to make it like an argument and like my thoughts are just wrong.
We see each other most weeks or we used to, often with other friends too but we are the closest pair in that group or we used to be. I have discussed it with a mutual friend who sees it and knows what i am talking about but doesn't get treated quite as oddly as I do, I can only think because they aren't as close.

Tbh, I have been pulling back lately and sort of avoiding her because it's such hard work. We met up today and I hadn't seen her for a few weeks - it was as difficult as it ever has been.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 04/10/2026 16:27

Did you have a difficult parent when you were a child?

I've had "friendships" like this in the past and found it hard not to feel responsible for their happiness, which was rather futile as happiness eluded them (or vice versa; it was sometimes hard to tell!).

There's no point putting yourself through miserable experiences in the hope of making things better. I'd back away and see if a bit of water under the bridge changes the dynamic between you.

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:27

Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:23

is she doing anything to address it? Medication? Therapy?

She claims she journals, does meditation, listens to podcasts and she is always talking about self help books. None of it seems to be working!

OP posts:
Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:27

dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:26

Literally everything these days, it's insane! Like anything I say she will have a different opinion on and manage to make it like an argument and like my thoughts are just wrong.
We see each other most weeks or we used to, often with other friends too but we are the closest pair in that group or we used to be. I have discussed it with a mutual friend who sees it and knows what i am talking about but doesn't get treated quite as oddly as I do, I can only think because they aren't as close.

Tbh, I have been pulling back lately and sort of avoiding her because it's such hard work. We met up today and I hadn't seen her for a few weeks - it was as difficult as it ever has been.

Show quote history

She sounds unpleasant Op

people suffer from depression - they don’t behave like this

does she live alone? No partner or
kids? Work?

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:28

speakball · 04/10/2026 16:18

the truth is she doesn’t get a bit happier every time she does this. you’re not keeping her okay and functioning by being part of this. there’s no number of times she will do this before she runs out of whatever is causing this. firstly, have your phone to hand. when she starts the sucking, and you’ll feel it, pretend you’ve just had a message. say ‘hold on a minute’ and look at your phone concerned. hold her off for a few seconds. keep doing this when she tries to turn that corner. just don’t give it, divert your energy at your phone.

if she gets the message and isn't a terrible person she’ll understand and might have a little moment of clarity. but that is unlikely. if she gets angry with you and your phone or whoever is deigning to take the focus off her she isn’t in any way shape or form your friend. and then you simply should phase her out. fill your life with people who don’t see you as a safe punching bag. as you spend less time you’ll have less to talk about. trying to tackle it up front will not and can’t end well with people locked in such a narrative.

Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
Tulipsayes · 04/10/2026 16:29

Is she doing anything to address her issues?

Silverbirchleaf · 04/10/2026 16:30

I would do as you’re doing, and just pull
back.

Original poster
dragonflygold · 04/10/2026 16:31

Beachtastic · 04/10/2026 16:27

Did you have a difficult parent when you were a child?

I've had "friendships" like this in the past and found it hard not to feel responsible for their happiness, which was rather futile as happiness eluded them (or vice versa; it was sometimes hard to tell!).

There's no point putting yourself through miserable experiences in the hope of making things better. I'd back away and see if a bit of water under the bridge changes the dynamic between you.

No, I have a good relationship with both my parents.

I suppose I know that she has unhappiness in her life and ongoing struggles so I feel like I don't want to add to that by not being her friend anymore plus we have mutual friends so that complicates it a bit too.
I think as others have said I need to just back off and see if distance improves things.

OP posts: