How to deal with a depressed but angry friend

[dragonflygold]

Username changed for this.

I have a friend who I have known for years now and who I have spent a lot of time with, we have become very close as time has gone by. We see each often even if just for a drink/coffee and a catch up.
She has always been a bit on the depressed side and I think she struggles with anxiety but recently it has become much worse.

The problem is she is very low key angry as well as miserable these days and picks fights with me about almost anything I say, even tiny things that just don't matter. She's also very defensive, talks about her problems constantly but won't listen to any advice, in fact she argues against any advice I might try to give. And everything is a big drama even if it's a fairly small problem that is soon fixed. If I don't react enough when she tells me something that's happened, she goes on and on about it until it seems a much bigger problem than it really is.

It's incredibly wearing and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. She also never asks me how I am. My life isn't perfect by any imagination, as she well knows, but there is never any interest in what is going on with me.

I think about not getting in touch and just letting the friendship drift but then I feel guilty because I know her behaviour is down to depression. She can be great, we used to have a real laugh together. I know she isn't a horrible person although she is often behaving like that at the moment, to me
Interestingly, if we see anyone else when we are out she is sweetness and light to them, a completely different person.

Has anyone else experienced anything likes this and could offer any advice? I don't want to end the friendship but how do I handle her behaviour towards me?

Works in a difficult job that she isn't enjoying at the moment, doesn't get on with her partner and should have left tbh - they are toxic together which is part of the problem.

I think he is emotionally abusive towards her and have told her when she describes how he speaks to her at times and she agrees, we talk about how she could move on but next thing you know he's "being nice" to her again.

She says she can't afford to leave and isn't married to him although they have been together for years.

So I know all that and understand she lives in a total pressure cooker which is why I haven't just stopped being friends with her. She pretends to other friends and at work that everything is fine, I am one of the few people who know the truth of her horrible home life.

I literally could not be bothered with this nonsense. It seems op that you are her friend but she’s not your friend. I would walk away because sounds like a nightmare. You’re getting nothing good from remaining in the cycle of shit!

I am afraid that I think you're going to have to put your foot down, tell her what is upsetting. you and risk losing her friendship.

Because at the moment you are only still friends because you are willing to put up with her antagonistic behaviour, but it's having an effect on you. It doesn't really matter that she's depressed, she still needs to know that she can't lash out at everyone and have them stick around to be her whipping boy.

So, scary as it might be, I think the next time she starts a fight, you're going to have to do the 'I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there,I don't have to listen to you being unkind to me yet again,' and just leave.

She will, no doubt, try to make it all your fault, but you will know you laid your boundary down and stuck to it. I expect everyone already knows what she's like and won't believe any tales she tries to tell about you being nasty to her.

Next time she asks to meet up say something along the lines of:
No thanks, Jane. I think we should give each other a break for a while. The last few times we met up you've seemed so angry with me and annoyed at everything I say that I don't think either of us are benefitting much from it. Let's see how things feel next week/ month / year ...

Thanks for your advice.

I guess I know deep down you are right because it isn't working for me right now and I come away from seeing her feeling down myself!

I’d rather have no friends that one that treats me like that. She honestly is being vile, whether depressed or not.

You need to separate the very real problems your friend is enduring from the profoundly unpleasant way she is treating you that is making you feel like shit

Depression can do that unfortunately

Is that honestly your definition of friendship?

She sounds absolutely nothing like a friend to me. She sounds borderline like your abuser.

It sounds like you are holding onto something that does you no good now @dragonflygold

Id let her go

Thanks, it's good to have comments like this because she really is treating me like crap and I need to hear it.
I have tried so hard to be a good friend because I know her life is difficult, she has had bereavements on top of her awful home situtation, but it's not my fault that those things have happened to her.

I suppose it makes her feel better in some way to be horrible to me. We're probably as close as sisters in many ways so I sometimes think that she takes me for granted in that way and thinks I will put up with it.

Let her turn on someone else, hopefully they won't be as nice as uou and will give her it with both barrels.

I imagine post coffee you go home to your family very down and depressed… which will also be impacting them. Something to worth thinking about

I can see how it sounds like that, I really can.

When I spend time with other friends I realise how weird our friendship has become but I know how hard she has it and how unhappy she is so I suppose that's why I have put up with it all for so long.

Thanks for this advice

Or maybe it's the other way around. She was sweet and fun with you in the past (like she still is with other people), but now she knows you well enough to know you'll put up with anything, then the real her can come out.

She's capable of turning it on and off, as you've seen, but with you she's choosing to never turn on the fun side and instead has become completely self absorbed. You might think you're doing her a favour by enabling this, but really you're just damaging both of you. You could give her your last ounce of energy and instead of being grateful for all you've done, she'll only ask for more.

I've been there. Don't be me. This is not depression, it's selfishness and it's a bottomless pit of "need".

I think members of her family probably have and that's why she no longer has contact with them - she says the reason is due to things they have done to her but I am increasingly wondering if they told her some home truths.

Thanks for this. Yes, I have thought that too - familiarity breeds contempt kind of idea.

It's been good putting this out there, both to write it all down and read the replies.

I have been thinking more and more that I am not actually being a good friend by not speaking up and calling her out and that I am probably becoming part of the problem.
I definitely need to pull back and put my energies into other friendships and activities.

OP I have been in your situation. I met a woman through a church group and we hit it off. We used to have nights out and the odd theatre trip etc. Over the past 3-4 years she has become thoroughly unpleasant. She has had bereavements and ill health which I went above and beyond to help her through. A couple of times I put her needs above plans with my own family and my work. But she has turned into angry bitter horrible person. Exactly like you’re experiencing - picking fights and being thoroughly unpleasant. About a year ago I started to step right back. I don’t ever text first and never agree to meeting up. I think other friends of hers have done the same, and I’m not at all surprised. There’s no need for a big fall out or announcement… just fade her out of your life! Future you will thank you.

F

Well of course it won't, because confirmation bias will kick in and she'll only be watching things she agrees with, and stuff that justifies her feelings.

So to be clear
she’s not actually sought any professional help.
no meds. No therapy ?

She’s not your friend. She is your abuser. She is getting off on being nasty to you

Is she getting any professional help? I know that depression can affect people in that way but if she’s not even trying to get better I’d also be keeping my distance.

She’s using you as an emotional punchbag. She’s abusive, bin her off ASAP.