Difficult husbands ex...

[Yasmin1994]

Needing some advice…
we have my step daughter every other weekend.
we do have a court order in place as my husbands ex partner was very difficult with us seeing my husbands child.
this weekend his ex messaged to say that their daughter has a sickness bug.
we asked when she was last sick and it was early Friday morning so we asked if we could pick her up after 48 hours.
i myself has lots of health conditions and cannot risk being poorly if I can help it and I am also awaiting a major operation.
his ex has kicked off saying we will never be allowed to see her again.
where do we go with this?
are we being unreasonable asking her not to come to out home with a sickness bug?

Ex sounds an over the top drama queen over a perfectly reasonable request.

I don't think you're unreasonable but I wouldn't have put it in terms of what is good for you and what your needs are.
Surely if the child is unwell, moving from one house to another while ill is not in her best interests.

I am the world’s worst hater of sick, but I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable, sorry.

It’s her home too. Your writing makes it sound like it isn’t and she’s just a guest.

I think you’re being unreasonable. If she were your child you couldn’t just punt her elsewhere for 48 hours. As long as she feels well enough to come to you, she should.

his ex has kicked off saying we will never be allowed to see her again

Oh as if that’s going to happen. She’s being completely unreasonable. You’re a stepmum, you’ll get the usual kicking which all stepmums do on here but you’re not wrong and if SD isn’t 100% she’s probably better off staying where she is and resting up.

If children at home are ill. Do they get sent away until they are better? You could say you don't get the cherry pick the best bits.

What does the bairn want should be at the top.

You're not being unreasonable to not want illness in the house but it's her home as well.

It’s her home. She should come to see her dad as usual. You wouldn’t send your own kids away if they were sick.

There is bound to be more to this

While I understand you want to avoid a bug if she was your kid you couldn't just bin her off

However the ex seems a bit of a narc

She has two homes, that’s what separated parents means, so she can stay in one of them while she’s ill and avoid infecting the people in the other one. Comparing this to a family which has together parents in one home is typical but completely irrelevant.

If she lived with you you wouldn’t have the option of not having her when she’s sick. I presume ex maybe had plans and why should she always be the one to deal with sickness when the child has 2 parents. Can your DH collect her and maybe take her somewhere for the weekend? Or could you go and stay elsewhere for the weekend?

It’s the mum who wants to send her sick child away.

You’ve misread what I said, or I’ve worded it badly. The op didn’t want the child this weekend but she was coming to her home with her dad.

I don't think this is OK. The girl's dad is just as much her parent as her mom is - you don't cease to be a parent just because your child gets ill and it's inconvenient.

If your husband can't care for his child in your home due to your health needs, he needs to find an alternative solution, not just expect the mom to pick up the slack as a default. Given your vulnerabolities, it sounds like it may not be practical for you too co-habit with the parent of a young child?. So you husband needs to rethink this decision. His child and his responsibilities to her need to come first.

Maybe if he had a strong and amicable co-parenting relationship with his ex, she might be willing to do him the favour of swapping some contact time in certain instances. But she absolutely isn't obliged to.

asking her not to come to our home

Certainly doesn’t read like she has two welcoming homes

If the child feels well enough, she should still come. Why should mum have to cancel plans when the child has another parent that is supposed to be looking after her for the weekend?
I'm not anti-step mum, but I am anti parents not pulling their weight/only seeing their kids when it is convenient for them.

If she’s actually sick and vomiting yes she should stay home for her sake, but really I think your DH should have made arrangements to have her yesterday if she was well enough to be moved.
I understand you not wanting to catch anything but couldn’t you have gone to stay somewhere else last night?

Yes you’re being unreasonable. The child only sees their dad for 2 days a fortnight so her mum has to parent her for the majority of her life. You don’t get to pick and choose the best bits of parenting when they’re well. He’s already prioritising the rest of his life over her so given she’s not been sick since Friday she should come as normal.
It’s his child so if needed he can look after her and you can avoid contact if you’re that worried.
Ex hasn’t handled it well but I can see her point as he opts out of nearly all parenting and she’ll likely need a break or have plans.

I’d forget exes behaviour and think of how the child feels. The decision should not be based around how you feel our your concerns either. It’s not about the adults here!

If she is the type that would prefer to stay in her ‘main’ home with her mum when she’s sick then fair enough (my Dd would much prefer this than going to her dads and his partner while ill).

however on the other hand if your SD is keen to come it would be really hurtful to turn her away due to her being sick. She could feel rejected and not wanted by her dad. Even though she’s sick, a child shouldn’t be kept from either parent if that’s what they want.

what age is she? This is likely to happen fairly regularly tbh so he doesn’t just get to tap out of his responsibilities because she is sick. Sounds like he already does a relatively small proportion of her care without reducing it even more!

So bar the scenario where dd doesn’t want to come, you and your DH just need to suck it up

Priority number one should be her seeing her dad.
If she is very poorly, and needs to stay in one place then her dad should go and see her for a bit. Ideally though she would be able to go to her dad’s house. Could you realistically avoid contact in your house? Tbh if I was you I’d use this and an excuse to book a hotel and have some me time, but that’s not always a practical option.

It’s not ideal but at the end of the day she’s a child and she should get to spend time with her dad.

The ex is not being difficult. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect your DH to parent on his weekend even if his DD is sick. If DD wants to stay with her mum, that should be her decision.

You’ll just need to put something in place so you can keep your distance.

You don't get to opt out of parenting when your kids are sick. Decision should be with the child.

It’s her home. One parent shouldn’t have to carry all the responsibility when a child is ill.

What would you of done of you had full custody or if your husband had a bug
I think her reaction is a bit crazy ons OTT but I'm sure knowing how dramatic she can be you could of accommodate her still .

YABU. If you can’t be near the child then go and stay at a travel lodge for the weekend.

DH should ask ex what she and the child wants to do, does she want to keep child with her and change the plan going forward ie DH have her next weekend. He could even offer to look the child in ex house if ex has plans and the child wants to stay at Mum’s house.

DH child is ill so he should be flexible. If child decides to stay at Mum’s he should ask if he can offer any help eg collect any washing or go the shop to collect supplies or sit with child for a bit so Mum can get out a bit.

YBVU as you don’t only get to have her when she is healthy. That’s part of being a parent. If she’s unwell, her dad needs to make alternative arrangements if necessary. It shouldn’t automatically be the mum’s responsibility to sort it out.