Difficult husbands ex...

[Yasmin1994]

Needing some advice…
we have my step daughter every other weekend.
we do have a court order in place as my husbands ex partner was very difficult with us seeing my husbands child.
this weekend his ex messaged to say that their daughter has a sickness bug.
we asked when she was last sick and it was early Friday morning so we asked if we could pick her up after 48 hours.
i myself has lots of health conditions and cannot risk being poorly if I can help it and I am also awaiting a major operation.
his ex has kicked off saying we will never be allowed to see her again.
where do we go with this?
are we being unreasonable asking her not to come to out home with a sickness bug?

To be fair to that poster they did also suggest that dad could take the little girl somewhere else, though presumably it would be easier for OP to take a hotel room in this scenario. This is part of parenting, at the end of the day. A sick child comes first.

If the daughter was well enough and wanted to come then you should have carried on with arrangements as normal and minimised your risk of getting the bug.
Last time my dc was unwell on ex weekend and couldn't get out of bed I offered ex to miss weekend, swap a different weekend or the option he chose of hanging out in dc room looking after him and watching films. Our relationship has been difficult but co parents really need to put own interests aside

I think if co parents get on really well, this is a classic "let's have a chat, what suits everyone best, can dad come and sit with her as I have plans etc" but he took her to court to get these visits and now it's inconvenient he doesn't want the inconvenience!
You have to think of it as your step child's actual home.
I appreciate she is difficult as a co parent, but this is the kind of shit that riles my single mum friends. Mum has inevitably taken at least 1 day off work and cancelled all arrangements, she likely has pushed all her activities, socialising etc to the one weekend a fortnight she is free and now it doesn't suit you to have her so she is expected to either find childcare or drop everything.
If your message/post said "so worried about the poor little thing packing bags and moving houses" but it doesn't at all. I imagine the bug is all calm and it's now just the official waiting period before they can go out/back to school anyway. Either take yourself away or take precautions, it's unfortunate for you but you have a child who lives in your home, and kids get ill.

Doesn’t anyone else find it fascinating that a court order was required in the first place? It would suggest the ex wife is indeed difficult.

I am classed as in the vulnerable for infection etc and if my child was to be unwell I can't send her away this is just the same and part of parenthood.

That’s true—why can’t dad go over and visit given the circumstances?

What would you do if she lived with you permanently? That's your answer.

You - need to stay out of things. There is no we in the court order or the weekend visitation.

I’m a step mother myself and your audacity is rather astounding. Stop interfering with your husbands visitation.

If she were your child you would have to deal with it so yes you're being unreasonable he sees her twice a month !

He has the child every other weekend now presuming thats Friday-Sunday thats 72 days a year the mother has them the other TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY THREE !!!!! She couldn't palm of her own kid she would have to deal with it , she knew he had a child so its tough bloody luck and part of being a parent if thats too much no ones making her stay !!!

So long as the child isn't asking to stay home with her mum she should go to her Dad's, he can't opt out just because she is ill.

If you can't be around her then I think it's on you to go somewhere else.

The replies are actually astounding.

YANBU at all OP.

You cannot risk being poorly, if you can help it? Perhaps see if you can isolate yourself elsewhere so husband’s contact is not disrupted. The Court Order probably doesn’t require you to be there?

I assume she wants to come, if sickness has stopped and you are just thinking about an exclusion time?

YABU - if she’s feeling better she should come to her dads as planned. It’s supposed to be her home too.

This is bonkers. I don’t particularly like my ex (and vice versa) and we would still not send an ill child to the other house. It’s enough that one of us has a risk of catching it from her, who’s gonna look after the child if we’re both sick at the same time?
And I can imagine that it’s a hassle for a sick child to swap houses too.

You have a court order in place, but now you dont want to adhere to the court order as the circumstances dont suit you? That's not how a court order works unless it states an unwell child cant come to your house.

Me and my ex do 50/50 and it wouldn't occur to us not to change over as normal unless the child in question was far too unwell to do so. We are both the parents, therefore we both arent our children whether they are well or poorly. Our respective partners also parent our children with us in our respective households and neither partner would request that a sick child didnt come to us.

You are being incredibly unreasonable and this sounds like its all to do with what's best for you only.

Yes you are being unreasonable. If she lived with you then you wouldn’t get to kick her out of the house if she was sick.

It’s one thing if the child wanted to stay with mum while they were poorly rather than move about but you need to wind your neck in and isolate yourself elsewhere if need be if you are that concerned. Dad needs to see his child . What would you do if this was actually your child ?

Not necessarily. Many women are forced into resorting to defined access when they’ve been constantly messed around by fathers who don’t show up when they’re supposed to, cancel at a moment’s notice and think they can pick and choose when they have their children for spurious reasons (for example like in this case where they think they can opt out of contact because the child has a minor illness).

It’s his time to parent her. Being a parent means looking after your children when they’re sick.

We have a blended family and when kids are sick we limit the spread and cross-contamination as much as possible so they stay put in whatever house they happen to be in. Why make others ill if you don't have to?

I understand the arguments of "what if they lived there full time" but it's a moot point, because they don't....so if I can avoid infecting another household, I will.

Common sense should rule here. The child has two homes, and is currently in one of them, which is where she should stay until she's no longer contagious. You don't send someone with a sickness bug into the home of someone with health issues who is waiting for an operation.

I have a horrendous immune system, lots of medical conditions, a cold turns in to pneumonia etc. When my step daughters were younger and due to come to us they would come to us, sickness bug or not! I would take a day off work to care for them not my husband. I might not have given birth to them but I'm as responsible for their welfare when at our house. Some people just like a drama and look for an excuse not to have the kids, my husband has always had my back and we are still really close with the girls.

Many parents are forced into applying for court orders. Often the parent who applies for the court order has done so because the other parent is being difficult. Which is what OP has explained about her partners ex in her post.

Court orders aside, common sense should prevail. They can’t always be stuck to as rigidly as outlined.

Should my husband and I have accepted the kids back home when we were infected with Covid for example? There is no way we were going to risk making them sick too. Nor would he have sent them to their mum had they been infected.

Minor illness or not. We haven’t been given the information on whether the SD actually wanted to see her dad whilst poorly. I’d argue moving a sick child to and fro isn’t in their best interest anyway, not to mention OP is expecting an operation!

The general consensus on MN is that stepmums have to sacrifice everything because they got with a man who had kids. In reality it is OPs home too and common sense should be applied in this situation. Why should she risk getting sick and potentially missing her operation? We all know what waiting lists are like. This is totally unreasonable.

It isn’t like they’ve refused the SD because she has a sniffle they don’t want to catch. I think a lot of separated mums on here let their own experiences cloud their judgement on matters like these.

If you don't have DSD over when she is unwell, then her mother can pretty much cut your contact in the future just by saying DSD isn't well so she can't come over.