Difficult husbands ex...

[Yasmin1994]

Needing some advice…
we have my step daughter every other weekend.
we do have a court order in place as my husbands ex partner was very difficult with us seeing my husbands child.
this weekend his ex messaged to say that their daughter has a sickness bug.
we asked when she was last sick and it was early Friday morning so we asked if we could pick her up after 48 hours.
i myself has lots of health conditions and cannot risk being poorly if I can help it and I am also awaiting a major operation.
his ex has kicked off saying we will never be allowed to see her again.
where do we go with this?
are we being unreasonable asking her not to come to out home with a sickness bug?

Personally her own mother should be requesting that she’s picked up on another day, moving a child whilst unwell isn’t the best thing for her. That said, if it were your child would you keep her away until she’s recovered? I do understand that it would make sense for her to stay where she is until she’s recovered but equally, I don’t think you, or her mother are putting the child first. She’s inconvenienced you won’t have her, and you’re inconvenienced she’s unwell. The poor child is caught in the middle of this tug of war. Pull your big girl pants up, assume the role you undertook when you got with her father.

She doesn't get to say sorry you have her i don't want to get sick. Parenting doesn't stop if the child is sick. Either parent can look after a sick child. Just protect yourself and stay a distance away. Open windows help too

I say this as a stepparent. We have my stepson regardless of illness or not on either part. When he was really young his mum used to choose to keep him at home for his own comfort, we would have always gladly shared the load, but did understand. Now he’s older he comes what may. He’s here with a cold now (his mum and siblings had it earlier this week so it’s been through their house already).

I do appreciate you have health conditions yourself, but if this was your own daughter you wouldn’t be able to send her away until better. Also it does rather create a mockery of fighting for time with them if you don’t then exercise that time by your own choice.

I think I must be misreading as I cannot see why you are getting such a hard time. I wouldn't want a child with a sickness bug sent to my house either, how is it beneficial to just pass it on to another household, and surely it's better for the poorly child to be at home resting rather than just be shipped somewhere else. Why should the mother have to solely deal with a poorly child, why should she send the child to another household and make them all ill just because "it's their time to have her" shit happens sometimes life is unfair and when you are sharing custody you can't bloody split the child being ill so it's fair to both parents! If she's ill at home she needs to stay there until she's better, bugger the custody arrangement.

Sorry OP, but YABU.The key issue here is that this was court ordered. Being unwell is horrible, and I do sympathise, but unless there was a genuine emergency that made compliance impossible, illness alone isn't usually a reason to disregard a court order.

In my view, DD should have stayed with her dad while she recovered and you should have stayed in a Travel lodge. If finances didn’t allow you should have stayed in the bedroom and husband could have waited on you as and when needed. This is the reality of been with someone with a child. You don’t always come first.

The bigger concern is the precedent this sets. If one parent decides not to follow the order when it suits them, it can make future arrangements much more difficult and potentially lead to conflict down the line.

I think you've both opened the door to problems in the future by not sticking to what was agreed

There is clearly a lot of history here if you had to go to court to be able to see the child at all.
I think if you mentioned your health issues as part of the reason for not wanting the child to come that's probably why the ex has kicked off in such an extreme way. But maybe you only mentioned that here?

And I suppose if your husband fought hard to get custody and is now saying he doesn't want it on the day he is supposed to (even though you have clear reasons) that's also why the ex is angry and pulling this kind of thing.

At the end of the day though, it has to be whatever is best for the child and maybe not moving her is right if she is still sick. Does your husband have a good enough relationship to offer to look after the child at the ex's house so she still gets her child-free time?

Obviously he may then bring the sickness back to you but I think him seeing his child if it's only once a fortnight has to take priority. He could book into a hotel for a night afterwards if you are really worried about infection.

my ex and his wife never have my son when he’s poorly. She’s unwell too and has immune issues.
i still think it’s a cop out, when I’m always the parent that has to deal with it etc.
i wouldn’t and haven’t reacted like she did, but I always roll my eyes and sigh. Their house is his home too and they are his parents as much as we are. Why should it be always us and this house who has to have the sick child!!

I think potentially everyone is being unreasonable, but that does happen when a co-parenting relationship isn't amicable.

I think everyone's needs should be considered. If the child is poorly, does she want to stay at her mum's, or would she be quite happy to lie on her dad's sofa and watch tv? Does her mum have something specific planned or really need a break? It's important for single parents to look after themselves. If OP is medically vulnerable, it would be preferable for her not to be exposed to a bug, but there are ways of doing this - self-isolating in a bedroom, for example (I'd love to self-isolate if someone was going to bring me food and look after my children!).

SD's mum does sound like she's overreacting but I'm always a bit sceptical of claims about 'difficult exes' (on both sides).

If she had gotten ill at your place would you be sending her back to mum on the scheduled day or would you be keeping her at yours (as long as mum agreed) in order to prevent her other household from being exposed to the illness?

This request comes across like dad sees himself as a babysitter not a parent.

It might be worth considering if the ex had plans this weekend and if she was counting on her bing with you as normal. Yes she sounds like a drama queen but maybe see if you can come to some arrangement about having her an extra weekend which helps her out. However if she is working or something like that and can’t change it then I think you need to take her and then just manage it as best you can. Can you go and stay with family at all if she is still unwell ?

If it is his time he should have her, sick or not. Her mum doesn’t get to just pie her off when she is ill so why would her dad?

If you can’t be around her when sick then you need to be the one who stays somewhere else so he can meet his obligations.

You can’t complain that he doesn’t get to see her and that her mum is difficult, then play disney dad when it suits.

So he has her every over weekend which is like what 4/5 days a month at most?

I say this as a single mum, she’s probably already had to take time off work and who knows had work this weekend or rest or plans made and now it’ll be another week or two til she gets a break.

It is YOU who should go away for 48 hours not the child who has significantly less time with her father. You’ve made it sound like she’s not welcome it is her home too.

The mother doesn’t get to pause when she’s sick I bet. She’s probably at breaking point and seen what is a dad already part timing get to be like oooo now’s not good for us. 🤣

He needs to have his child, ill or not. Shocking attitude from him. You wouldn't keep her if she was ill at your house. He's not an extra optional parent.

This

It makes no sense to transport a sick child mid weekend, potentially spreading the virus even further. If she was at yours she should stay there but as she wasn't she should stay at her mother's.

I’d be all kinds of difficult too if my ex had taken me to court for contact and then couldn’t even manage to sustain every other weekend over something minor like this.

How old is your SD? Has she said she wants to come over to yours if she’s ill? As you’re awaiting an operation it’s totally reasonable you don’t want to risk getting sick.

Surely it’s common sense to avoid infecting two households when someone is ill. That’s how it operates with my SC, but then they live with us the majority anyway. We would have the decency to keep them home if they were unwell not that the favour was ever returned.

I know what it is to deal with a dreadful ex wife too OP.

This.

Parenting isn’t just when it is convenient. The child is ill and probably wants both her parents. If the child wants to see her dad she should get to see her dad, not just when it works for him and she’s in top condition and on easy mode for him.

Just because there is a court order it shouldn’t mean all common sense or flexibility goes out of the window. During Covid we outright refused to have my SC back on the scheduled day because we were both infected and sick as dogs. This was early on in the pandemic and we had no idea how serious or not it was going to be. Why would we have risked making the kids potentially very poorly too?

The thing is, if it were your child and they were home 24/7 with you then you would have no choice but to be around them, you can’t just cart them off. Your home is also her home and your husband is her parent, so he is responsible for his child whether she is poorly or well. That being said, I would have thought it was in the child’s best interests to just stay in one place if she is not feeling well, however if she feels better and wants to come then she absolutely should be able to. YABU- it’s not all about you.

what would you do if your own child was sick ?
Would you refuse to have them in the house because you may catch what they had?
This situation should do whats best for the child,what does the child wan to do,if its be with her dad,you need to accomodate that.
Take your own precautions with good hygiene practices.

This was going to be my question. The ‘she can’t be moved when sick’ argument only holds if she would be kept at dad’s home if she happened to get sick there. But it sounds like she’d be sent straight back to mum as she’s very much the primary parent in this situation. OP, I’m afraid a school-age child is going to bring all sorts of illnesses into ‘your’ home at some point or another.

Yes OP why don't you just bugger off and find yourself somewhere to stay. Step children are on the high altar on here and what they or their resident parent wants must be immediately respected no matter your circumstances. You don't count.

Yabvu. A daughter comes in sickness, health all of it. Grandparents I could understand but her father and step mum. Nope you have a duty to look after her equally as her mum does.

If dd was willing and able to come (unlikely) you should have tsken steps to protect yourself from the illness. Open windows, extra hand hygiene or stay with family elsewhere.

Only in very good co parenting situations could you ask for her not to come. I expect if you never said anything dd wouldnt have came anyway.