DP’s jealousy/paranoia is ruining our relationship

[Anastas1a]

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 15 years and we’ve been arguing more frequently lately. I’m still trying to make sense of everything because, in so many other ways, our relationship has been good, and I really don’t want to throw everything away.
He has always had this paranoid thought that I’m bisexual. I’m not, and I’ve repeatedly been accused of sleeping with female friends. I have tried everything to reassure him, but it seems to be a huge trigger for him if women compliment me, particularly when we’re out together.
Women have always said things like he’s “punching”, “your missus is 10/10” or commented on my figure. I genuinely see these comments as women being friendly or complimentary and don’t automatically interpret them as flirting. My friends also boost my confidence and compliment me, and he sees this as flirting and says I’m “entertaining it”.
Recently we were at the pub with friends. One of my friends jokingly said to me, “If you don’t wife her off soon, I will.” I pulled my DP aside and said, basically, “You’re not going to run with that now and start your nonsense, are you?” He said no and seemed fine at that point.
After a few more drinks, the same friend said, “You really are shaped like a figure 8.” My DP then completely lost it. He started saying she was obsessed with me and became very verbally aggressive, screaming and shouting while she tried to explain that it wasn’t meant in the way he was making it out to be.
I told him to leave because it was extremely embarrassing and there was no talking to him. He tried to get me to go home with him but I refused. I asked one of his friends to try and explain things to him, but his friend basically agreed with him and validated his behaviour.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and that’s what is really getting to me.
He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t take drugs, doesn’t go out partying and works full time. He mainly socialises and goes on holiday with me. I know alcohol played a part in how he behaved that night, and he does have a temper, but I’m so drained by these ongoing accusations.
I feel like I can’t go out with him without worrying that someone might compliment me and it will turn into an argument. I don’t think I should have to tell women to “F off” as he says I should, or make a huge point of showing that I’m not interested just because they’ve complimented me. I also don’t think I should have to constantly reassure my partner that I’m not sleeping with my friends.
Deep down, I know this isn’t normal or healthy, but I’m really struggling with what to do because I can’t bear the thought of being with anyone else either. We’ve been together nearly 15 years and there is so much that is good between us.
I suppose I’m trying to work out whether I’m minimising what is happening because I love him and because there are so many good aspects to our relationship. It’s literally the only thing we argue over.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or am I the one in the wrong for not making him feel secure when women/friends say these things in front of him?

I’d have been gone the first time this happened op!

it won’t get better

I always say to my other half I’d rather get a compliment from another woman than from a man.
And I think women seem to be making more of an effort in handing them out? In a digital world obsessed with youth and perfection, it’s lovely. And non- threatening.
However, this man here must have some reason why he finds it so threatening. I’m not excusing him.
I wonder how he’d feel if men made similar comments?
It is all very odd and not acceptable at all.
I can remember going out with someone - years ago - who started off liking me getting compliments and then hating it.
It got out of hand and my mum said to him…
Jason, I suggest if you don’t want to be upset anymore get yourself a girlfriend nobody ever looks at.
Of course, we can all feel a bit unsettled at times but we should all rejoice when a partner gets a lovely compliment.

My friends tell me this I guess needed an impartial outlook as they obviously think he’s weird.

I have asked if an ex had maybe been bi sexual and unfaithful and suggested he may have some trauma etc he said he have never thought this about anyone he’s been with, only me! Honestly it’s not my thing at all no reason for him to think it , other than one of my old friends was open about being bi sexual he accused me of sleeping with her. And he’s convinced all my other friends swing both ways and says I’m naive when I tell him they are not. Your mum is so right btw lol maybe I should dress in a big baggy potato sack to avoid anyone looking!

I couldn't live like that. You're being accused of all sorts and he shows you up in front of other people and is horrible when he's on his own with you (over this). Once it gets to the point where you're dreading being with someone in public and hate what they say in private, it's game over.

Weird is an understatement. He sounds fucking unhinged and I’d not feel safe around someone like that.

Screaming and shouting at another woman in the pub? This is AWFUL. I don’t think he deserves another chance, this is LTB territory.

Women have always said things like he’s “punching”, “your missus is 10/10” or commented on my figure. “If you don’t wife her off soon, I will".

I am clearly not as stunning as you because not ONCE in my life has a woman said anything like this to me. It's an odd thing to say as a straight woman. I've got some gorgeous friends, but don't feel the need to reassure their partners that 'your missus is a 10/10'. I assume a) there is more to life than looks b) he knows she's physically attractive and c) it's fairly rude to comment on people's bodies.

Having said that he's an utter lunatic and I've no idea how or why you've spent 15 years with this twat.

Does he recognise that he has a problem or does he think this is normal behaviour?

The ones accusing of such behaviour or often the ones doing it themselves...

You asked one question- are you minimising this.

I have one answer: yes. It’s difficult, unnecessary, insecure behaviour on his part.

He point blank refuses to apologise thinks his behaviour is validated said she was being disrespectful and also made up scenarios in his head saying she grabbed my waist and went to smack my bum etc and that he’s glad he told her straight. I agree she went a bit overboard on the comments throughout the night but his behaviour is out of order and I can’t make him see it. He is saying he never wants to see her again and also I embarrassed him by not leaving with him

I’m just very average imo but it’s happened so many times even strangers in public have said these things when I’m dressed up and make an effort , I don’t go to them extremes personally I will always say you look lovely etc leave nice comments on friends post but I feel the comments I get in person can be a bit ott and I feel quite embarrassed when complimented so much, but also don’t see it how he sees it

You have some really bizarre friends. What truly odd things to say.

But your bf is mad. Unhinged. Abusive.

How have you stood it for 15 years?

LTB.

Get rid of him and have a happy life.

Was she saying it to wind him up ,because she knows what he’s like.?
By the way his behaviour is ridiculous.

I think your third paragraph explains your second.
the man is clearly fucking awful. For some unfathomable reason the op can’t see it. Her friends can, and are trying to help her along.

I’m really intrigued to know what the good bits would be with a man like this.

OPs friends are probably being so overtly nice about her because they see that she is with someone who treats her like a piece of shit and who they (rightly) think is weird, so they're putting him in his place, effectively.

I've done the same, friend's partner treated her like crap so we would ignore him when he insisted he come along and make a big deal of how well she was doing at work, how great her new hair was etc. Gets a bit less subtle after a few drinks.

No she had no idea he has this issue with me, I hadn’t told her what he’s like as it’s actually so embarrassing, she is a bit ott in general but she is just very positive in general and likes to lift up her friends, a real people pleaser she hugged him as soon as she saw him and said how nice it was to see him etc

They feel like I could do better , I work in a very professional senior role and he’s had to completely change his lifestyle to be with me and his mannerisms etc he done everything I asked but this one thing always brings out this awful side of him

Your friends sound a bit weird, I might say you look good tonight, lovely dress, but detailed comments on your figure and calling you a 10/10 I would be extremely embarrassed and would wonder about the sexuality of the friend. Do you say the same sorts of things about them? Perhaps it's just the way you all talk, but odd to me. Have you told them your DP is jealous of them? Are they deliberately winding him up?

You could do better.

But I don't understand why he had to change his mannerisms to go out with you?? You don't sound compatible at all.
Do you think he might be gay/bi himself?

What you're suffering from is

1 Abuse.

2 The sunk cost fallacy.

Consider the last fifteen years a hint to you that you deserve better. A massive, loud, and at this point surely undeniable hint to you that YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Please, please, please get therapy for yourself to figure out why it has taken you so long to find this problem so serious that you're looking for advice about it, and then for support in ending this toxic relationship.

I highly recommend the Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".
It's available ad a pdf online.

I had an ex who was jealous and paranoid. He smashed my head in. Bin

You feel embarrassed by this abuse, a sure sign that he has done a conplete number on you.

Your silence protects him from the judgement of your friends and everyone else who cares about you.

It is not a reflection on you that you ended up with a man who abuses you. You are no less intelligent or wonderful or deserving of the rewards of your hard work because this man decided to drag you down.

What he did or didn't do in order to mix in the circles you mix in is completely irrelevant. He chose all of that. You did not choose to be abused.

You need help getting over the sunk cost fallacy.

Please get therapy.