I’ve been with my DP for nearly 15 years and we’ve been arguing more frequently lately. I’m still trying to make sense of everything because, in so many other ways, our relationship has been good, and I really don’t want to throw everything away.
He has always had this paranoid thought that I’m bisexual. I’m not, and I’ve repeatedly been accused of sleeping with female friends. I have tried everything to reassure him, but it seems to be a huge trigger for him if women compliment me, particularly when we’re out together.
Women have always said things like he’s “punching”, “your missus is 10/10” or commented on my figure. I genuinely see these comments as women being friendly or complimentary and don’t automatically interpret them as flirting. My friends also boost my confidence and compliment me, and he sees this as flirting and says I’m “entertaining it”.
Recently we were at the pub with friends. One of my friends jokingly said to me, “If you don’t wife her off soon, I will.” I pulled my DP aside and said, basically, “You’re not going to run with that now and start your nonsense, are you?” He said no and seemed fine at that point.
After a few more drinks, the same friend said, “You really are shaped like a figure 8.” My DP then completely lost it. He started saying she was obsessed with me and became very verbally aggressive, screaming and shouting while she tried to explain that it wasn’t meant in the way he was making it out to be.
I told him to leave because it was extremely embarrassing and there was no talking to him. He tried to get me to go home with him but I refused. I asked one of his friends to try and explain things to him, but his friend basically agreed with him and validated his behaviour.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and that’s what is really getting to me.
He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t take drugs, doesn’t go out partying and works full time. He mainly socialises and goes on holiday with me. I know alcohol played a part in how he behaved that night, and he does have a temper, but I’m so drained by these ongoing accusations.
I feel like I can’t go out with him without worrying that someone might compliment me and it will turn into an argument. I don’t think I should have to tell women to “F off” as he says I should, or make a huge point of showing that I’m not interested just because they’ve complimented me. I also don’t think I should have to constantly reassure my partner that I’m not sleeping with my friends.
Deep down, I know this isn’t normal or healthy, but I’m really struggling with what to do because I can’t bear the thought of being with anyone else either. We’ve been together nearly 15 years and there is so much that is good between us.
I suppose I’m trying to work out whether I’m minimising what is happening because I love him and because there are so many good aspects to our relationship. It’s literally the only thing we argue over.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or am I the one in the wrong for not making him feel secure when women/friends say these things in front of him?