DP’s jealousy/paranoia is ruining our relationship

[Anastas1a]

I’ve been with my DP for nearly 15 years and we’ve been arguing more frequently lately. I’m still trying to make sense of everything because, in so many other ways, our relationship has been good, and I really don’t want to throw everything away.
He has always had this paranoid thought that I’m bisexual. I’m not, and I’ve repeatedly been accused of sleeping with female friends. I have tried everything to reassure him, but it seems to be a huge trigger for him if women compliment me, particularly when we’re out together.
Women have always said things like he’s “punching”, “your missus is 10/10” or commented on my figure. I genuinely see these comments as women being friendly or complimentary and don’t automatically interpret them as flirting. My friends also boost my confidence and compliment me, and he sees this as flirting and says I’m “entertaining it”.
Recently we were at the pub with friends. One of my friends jokingly said to me, “If you don’t wife her off soon, I will.” I pulled my DP aside and said, basically, “You’re not going to run with that now and start your nonsense, are you?” He said no and seemed fine at that point.
After a few more drinks, the same friend said, “You really are shaped like a figure 8.” My DP then completely lost it. He started saying she was obsessed with me and became very verbally aggressive, screaming and shouting while she tried to explain that it wasn’t meant in the way he was making it out to be.
I told him to leave because it was extremely embarrassing and there was no talking to him. He tried to get me to go home with him but I refused. I asked one of his friends to try and explain things to him, but his friend basically agreed with him and validated his behaviour.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and that’s what is really getting to me.
He doesn’t drink much, doesn’t take drugs, doesn’t go out partying and works full time. He mainly socialises and goes on holiday with me. I know alcohol played a part in how he behaved that night, and he does have a temper, but I’m so drained by these ongoing accusations.
I feel like I can’t go out with him without worrying that someone might compliment me and it will turn into an argument. I don’t think I should have to tell women to “F off” as he says I should, or make a huge point of showing that I’m not interested just because they’ve complimented me. I also don’t think I should have to constantly reassure my partner that I’m not sleeping with my friends.
Deep down, I know this isn’t normal or healthy, but I’m really struggling with what to do because I can’t bear the thought of being with anyone else either. We’ve been together nearly 15 years and there is so much that is good between us.
I suppose I’m trying to work out whether I’m minimising what is happening because I love him and because there are so many good aspects to our relationship. It’s literally the only thing we argue over.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this something that can actually be worked through, or am I the one in the wrong for not making him feel secure when women/friends say these things in front of him?

You've been together 15 years - he doesn't think his behaviour is a problem, so why on earth expect him to change? He won't.

It's put up or shut up time OP - you either put up with it or leave. Those are the only choices.

When we met we’re compatible I then went back to uni , got two degrees and worked my way up the career ladder …how I present now is very different to the girl I was when we met. I have to be very aware of what I say and do at all times, and I guess I’m struggling to let go because we been through so much. He is also very anti gay

You are with a vile abuser. It sounds like you can do a lot better. Please consider your options before you get physically hurt by this horrible man.

I am actually starting to see this I know I have to break free but I have tried and he makes it very difficult

You have a career. It is a lot easier for you to leave than it is for a lot of women who have managed to leave their abuser.

That's even more confusing. I have a professional job, my DH is a labourer. He doesn't have to change how he talks because of my job.

Why are you dating a homophobe anyway? Would you date a racist?

Stop trying to make him see it.

The nature of abuse is that it is completely irrational. He refuses to see reason because he is completely invested in abusing you. It's the joy he gets from the relationship - seeing you turn yourself inside out trying to explain reality to him while he inwardly laughs at you makes his day.

He has trapped you in this gerbil wheel of making insane accusations against you, causing you to deny them tonthe point of despair. He is literally driving you mad.

You need help getting to the point where you can see all of this for what it is and the effect its having on you.

You won't believe me when I say you should consider calling Women's Aid for support. You probably think WA are there for women suffering what you would call 'real abuse'. I am here to tell you that you are being abused, and that this man is dangerous.

0808 2000 247 Women's Aid

He is accusing you of playing out his own gay fantasies, I guarantee it.

You need to study the sunk cost fallacy.

You need to start honouring yourself by reaching out for help dealing with this abuse. It is not a reflection on you. This is all on him.

I have had this.
The weird thing is that he himself actually was drop dead gorgeous, but incredibly insecure. We eventually split but when we met up recently (a few years later) he admitted that he’s stopped us meeting up with friends of his who’d been complimentary about me (those men weren’t by any means creeps).
Once when we met my boss by chance in the street he sulked all evening because he thought my boss fancied me (boss was at least 15 years younger)
It was very wearing.
I do get compliments from men and women - but presumably he was attracted to me and can understand other people see those qualities?
I am now with a lovely man who appreciates me but is secure so doesn’t looks for trouble where there isn’t.

its his religious views and biblical interpretations although he keeps them private but I know that’s how he feels

When I was young I was in a relationship with man who was initially lovely for the first year. But the 2nd year was hell. He became incredibly jealous and possessive, convinced I was having all sorts of affairs and really resented my friendships and even my relationship with my family. It was suffocating and tbh a little scary! After multiple attempts I finally managed to break up with him but it took me a good 6 months!
It’s really not a way be in a healthy relationship. He doesn’t trust you for whatever reason. There is clearly something causing this insecurity most likely from his past. But to move on from this he has to recognise this and get some help. From what you have said it does not sound like he has any insight into this and is firmly landing this on you.

A private homophobe is still a homophobe. And he's not keeping them that private is he, given that he screamed at your friend in public? He may be closeted himself. He may just be a straight abusive dickhead.
Either way you deserve better, at least you have lovely friends who will help you through the breakup (and will probably think it was long overdue)

Judging you by his own standards? Is he gay/a cheat?

I will look into this thank you for your advice I still can’t believe I allowed this for so long, I was in a dark place for a long time wasn’t strong enough, and I try to look at the good in others which can be a blessing and a curse

I was completely confused, but what you’ve said makes total sense and yes, I’ve done that.

He sounds more than a little controlling, you 2 don’t seem to be at all compatible.
At least you aren’t married.
Just find somewhere you’d love to live & move out, don’t look back.

I never really thought about it but at this point my guess is as good as yours I’m baffled by it all…also I have been working so hard over the years I rarely seen anyone now I’m where I need to be I have started reconnecting friends and it could be another reason for all these allegations to be thrown around so much

Your DP is unhinged and abusive. You say it's the only thing you fight about but due to the fact that this is a constant problem and he goes off on people in group settings, it is a massive problem. The fact that it is one thing does not make up for anything.

He wants to isolate you and sabotage your friendships. He is an abusive man and he knows what he's doing. If he isn't aware then he is abusive and mentally ill, this is not normal.

You have 3 options.

• Put up with it as he is never going to change. I wouldn't advise this.

• Tell him this is a him problem and you've had enough of it. That he'd better keep his mouth shut on this subject going forward or the marriage is over. And mean it.

• Leave. This is the option you should choose. He doesn't think he is wrong and an abusive/unhinged person isn't going to change just because you give an ultimatum. If he really thinks you might leave he might get crafty and temporarily alter.the behaviour to trick you but ultimately you are wasting your time. It will come back up or his control will manifest in a different way.

Up to you. You have to take the emotion out of it. Your feelings of love are based on familiarity and attachment, and there is probably some sort of dopamine hit with his nasty nice cycle. Objectively, you're in a bad relationship and you need to choose to remove yourself from it. Don't waste another 15 years. This one thing is not small, it impacts your everyday life and any friendship you have outside of him.

Well that would just cement it for me.

You were in public. You know you did nothing wrong
Your friends know you did nothing wrong

He's convinced you did something wrong, and has invented a whole load of things he pretends you have done.

He uses this to justify having a scene in public, and shouting at you and your friends.

No you are not minimising this.

He's not exactly a fun person to spend time with is he?

LTB

This is coercive control. Please look into the Freedom Programme, because you are trapped in a cycle of abuse. He is a raging, insecure, religion-addled homophobe who wants to make you smaller and smaller until there’s nothing of you left. The fact that his insecurities drove him to scream at another woman in a pub makes him sound fucking unhinged, even before you mentioned the bible thing.

With or without the validations from others, OP, you can do a lot better. It’s possible to be in a loving, mutually supportive relationship with someone who celebrates you, who doesn’t make you tense in social situations, whose behaviour you don’t feel you need to constantly explain and excuse and mitigate. It’s fucking exhausting living like this.

You’ve already given him 15 years of your best self, and he has fully shown you who he is. Don’t waste the rest of your one precious life being reduced and embarrassed by this loser of a man who doesn’t deserve you.

He’s abusive.

I think he’s trying to isolate you.

This is abuse. Please leave.

He sounds like a bit of a weirdo tbh. I think you've outgrown him and should move on.

Definitely trying to isolate you. Well done for not leaving the restaurant with him. He is an abuser. I would leave him. His behaviour is disgusting, he's trying his best to do a number on you and make you doubt yourself and your friends. We on the internet can see it, your friends can clearly see it. Read back the posts that you have written as if it was your daughter or close friend that was writing about being in this position with their partner and then consider what advice you'd be giving them.

I really don't think this is weird behaviour from the friends or that it's odd for straight women to say these things as some PPs say, my friends and I would say similar things, it's a way of lifting each other up, especially as none of us are in our 20s anymore! (Although just watch Love Island, those girls do it as well). Maybe not all women would, but it's not odd. And especially if they're not massively happy with how her OH treats her/think that he undervalues her.

I agree with the others that you should get out of this relationship.