How do I deal with this?

[Newgolddream70]

I am so cross - mainly with myself. I divorced ten years ago and have DS11. Apart from a few dates with someone over three years ago, I have been single and although I have missed the company of someone, things have been good. I like my job, colleagues, have a good social life and now a son who has just started secondary so I am pretty busy.

I have an old school friend that I have known for 50 years! He was a year above me. We’ve stayed connected over the years, mainly on socials and have seen each other at various school reunions. I always thought what a lovely guy he was and about two months ago, we started messaging each other and are now in a pretty intense situationship, for want of a better word! I am not sure how this has happened but I am completely crazy about him. I can’t eat or sleep and it feels like pleasure and pain all in one. I can’t actually believe I am in this position. I sense that he is backing off and I am quite angry about it but mainly with myself. My equilibrium has been disturbed after all this time and I am not dealing with it very well. I don’t want to blow up at him or come across as needy - do I challenge him on where he sees this going or do I just back off, get on with my life and if he’s really interested, his actions will show me? We are both in our 50s so I know this sounds pathetic. I feel like I have fallen foul of a love-bomber and I feel like crap. He’s super-intelligent, self-aware and has a high-powered well-paid job, so this is not someone of low intellect (if that makes any difference). I’m a single Mum but earn a lot less. I don’t know why but I’m feeling so insecure and on the back foot.

What should I do?

I wanted to edit this post in places but I wasn’t able to on my phone. Hopefully you get the gist!

Have you met up and had dates? What makes you think he's backing off? How does he respond when you ask qs about where it's going?

What the reason he’s backing off or you don’t know?

i am in my 50s too. I would just wait and see how things go, he might be worried it’s all too much so fast. So thinks it’s better to slow things down. I’d see him once a week for a date and just wait.

Make sure you carry on focussing on you and your DCs happiness just in case.

The second option. Although I probably wouldn't take my own advice

I would say back off and do your best to continue on with your own life as if he's not there. If he was kind and good you would not be feeling this way

It's only been two months OP, so I'd chill a little bit.

Perhaps he feels you're a bit too intense?

We’ve met up quite a bit and have slept together. I haven’t asked him outright where he sees this going. He was on holiday last week and was missing me, messaging me constantly, telling me I am the one and that he wants his future to be with me. God it sounds so cringeworthy but, I loved it! He’s just very cool since he’s been back although he is at work so I don’t expect the same level of messaging as last week. It’s almost like he’s regretting all the things he said and is cooling it. He also hasn’t suggested when we should meet up again but maybe he’s getting the next few days of work out of the way.

He was intense first so I was matching his energy. Now I feel silly. Think I will back off and see what happens.

Definitely back off OP - it sounds very intense on your part, and not particularly healthy for you if you're having the can't eat/sleep thing! Sounds almost like limerence - I went through a similar situation just after my exH left. I see now that it wasn't realistic at all, more like a rebound thing - but I felt exactly as you do now, so I know just what you're going through!
In what way is he backing off? Is he sensing an intensity from you, do you think?

Can't eat or sleep, feels like pleasure and pain etc sounds so ott that I wonder how healthy it is.
I would take a step back, tbh. Do some stuff by myself, hang out with friends, dial it down a bit.

Cross posted with you OP - yes that was exactly what I experienced - he very intensely love-bombed me, was a total gentleman when we dated, but then cooled off. It made me feel like a giddy teenager initially, and left me feeling a bit silly and heartbroken. I'm in my 50s too - argh. Think we'd know better!

I know it’s OTT but I’m being honest about how I feel. I don’t like it. Maybe he is sensing my intensity but I am just continuing a theme which he started.

"I am completely crazy about him." "I can't eat or sleep." OP you do sound like a young infatuated teenage girl. Maybe it's just me but I've never been "completely crazy" about anyone. I love DH very much but also can't say I've stopped eating or sleeping on account of him. He would be worried if I did. He may be finding you, understandably, too intense. I would be backing off and diverting my energy elsewhere.

do I challenge him on where he sees this going or do I just back off, get on with my life and if he’s really interested, his actions will show me?

I'm sure it's just the language you chose rather than meanijg it literally, but i wouldn't 'challenge' him as much as just have a conversation to see where he thinks things are going (if anywhere). The conversation itself doesn't need to be heavy.

People will tell you to 'bin him' but, in reality, that's not how people work and most people would just have a conversation! He hasn't actually treated you badly, you're just in a bit of a tailspin about it.

You might have fallen for a love bomber or your emotional response to the situation might just be out of kilter with reality given your personal circumstances. I disagree with a pp who saod it it were good, you wouldnt be feeling like this about it. Normally, I'd agree but your subconscious can go into overdrive to protect you and this might jsut be a period of adjistment.

I wouldn't be giving him the benefit of the doubt though. As you say, he's intelligent and exprienced at life. If he says 'keep it casual', well then you know. If he says he wants something more, then you decide if you do and see if his actions going forwards match up with his words.

(Or you decide you cant be arsed with that and put a stop to it yourself!)

Personally, I'd have a conversation (also in my 50s) because I can't be doing with uncertainty and I'm also an adult. But I'm also well past making excuses for men and just hoping it will get better.

It sounds like you have a pretty good lifestyle and are happy with life. So anyone you're with needs to add to that and not detract from it.

So... no help at all, really!

Well yes, he probably does regret being so OTT after 8 weeks.

And one of those weeks was spent on holiday!

Sounds like you both need to chill a bit.

Question yourself, if things are too good to be true they normally are!
Maybe a friend has questioned him, look after yourself, go easy on yourself, we are all human

Just match his energy.

If he's leaving 24 hours between messages, you leave the same.

If he's not mentioning 'love' in his messages then you don't either.

See if he picks up a bit or asks what's wrong. Stay bright and breezy. I wouldn't challenge or ask him about it.

🤞 he's just v busy and normal service will resume.

When I say ‘completely crazy’ I mean an intense attraction - both body and mind. I have not felt this for years and thought I never would again. I have an elderly Dad to look out for, DS11 with his football and all that role entails and throw menopause into the mix, I’d assumed my giddy days were over. Ok, ‘pleasure and pain’ smacks of Mills and Boon but that’s what I’m physically feeling. I am going away this weekend with my girl friends - lots of walking and a pub dinner so I am going to enjoy it and shift my focus.

Woah. It's been a handful of days. You are definitely in your own head about this.

Relax. You're worrying way too much, and that will kneecap any relationship there could be.

I know I am coming across as wet but he started it!

So you're saying you're just matching his energy.

So why is it 'lovebombing' when he does it but not when you do it?

Also, he may have been drinking on his holiday and that's why he's realised he was too OTT, for such a short relationship of a few weeks.

Well of course he started it. Being full on and charming on his best behaviour. Now it’s worked he doesn’t have to do it any more.

Okay thanks everyone. You’ve put things into perspective and I feel like a right wally. I didn’t feel I was consciously lovebombing but yes, maybe I was too? I don’t know. Think I got lost in the moment. Reality check has kicked in. I’m going to watch and wait (and eat and sleep).

@MymanyellowI do hope you’re wrong.

Does he have a child?