Am I being too flirty in public, or is my partner overreacting?

[Pollune]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this as I have no intention of breaking up with my partner over this, but some perspective as this is the only thing we ever argue over.

I have been told by many men that they see me as very flirty. I am very chatty, smiley and friendly naturally to men, women, children and animals and I am not intentionally flirting 99% of the time. If I like someone and am attracted to them I may intentionally flirt, but this would to me, be different and more flirty than just my baseline friendly. Some men have got the wrong idea about me and it’s led to some awkward and uncomfortable situations.

My current partner and I met in person, not online, he is also very charming, friendly, smiley and naturally flirty himself to be honest, not in a sleazy way, but I’ve seen the effect he has on women and he had the effect on me 😂.

I trust him and he says he trusts me.

I am very strongly a monogamous person and I would never flirt with another man whilst in a relationship, I don’t need or want attention from other men, I actually really enjoy flirting with my partner and we generally have a very affectionate, touchy, flirty relationship. Sometimes he doesn’t like this in public and that’s fine, I respect his boundaries but sometimes he engages with PDA so we might kiss on the lips, hug or lightly touch each other on the leg or arm.

This leads me to the argument. DP can sometimes suddenly take exception to certain things I might say or do in public when I believe I am flirting with him because he thinks it makes me look bad. He says I am ‘very attractive’ and this behaviour ‘gives other men a wrong impression’ of me and is embarrassing.

This is usually on a night out together or with friends and we have had a few drinks. When this has happened I am always standing next to him, or directly facing him, looking/smiling at him and he is the intended beneficiary or I am just enjoying myself.

Examples are, I wiggled my bum a little bit at him in a bar, danced a little bit with a female friend at a party (not at all sexually) and casually laid my knee over his knee when I was wearing high heels and a short skirt when sitting on a high bar stool close to him.

These were all just things that happened in the moment after a few drinks and even when I reflect on them, and ask other women who were there, I really don’t think they were OTT gross overly sexual acts, I wasn’t out of control drunk, grinding on him, taking my clothes off or falling over, and it’s likely only he noticed. I still don’t know why I did them and see his point they are unnecessary in public, and if he finds it embarrassing then I don’t want to make him feel that way. But also I don’t care what other men think about me.

He says his piece, I say it wasn’t coming from a bad place, he says he knows this but doesn’t like it, we make up and then everything is fine but then it happened again recently.

I am now feeling self conscious about myself and whether I am embarrassing myself and if or how I stop doing things like this or is he being unreasonable? I think drinking less will help as I obviously become a bit less inhibited.

He isn’t controlling in any other way, and he doesn’t bring this up disrespectfully or shout, or punish me - he just says he doesn’t like it, but recently after I put my leg on him, he said he keeps asking me not to and I don’t listen, so if I do this again he will end our relationship so this was much heavier than before.

This seems a bit too much tbh. Seems like your trying to be an exhibitionist

And it’s probably the effects of alcohol thats making you do this. Like would you do this when your sober

He's told you it makes him embarrassed and to not do it. You keep doing it so I don't think be is bu.

I don’t think I am trying to be or do anything I haven’t got a desire to be an exhibitionist that I’m aware of. I probably would be somewhat this level of affectionate or playful with him when I am sober yes, I’ve wiggled my bum at him, he’s slapped my bum, tapped it, I often sit close to him etc

If lots of men have told you they see your behaviour as flirting with them and your current partner sees it as such then i think its fair to assume your behaviour is flirty.
It's entirely up to you if you want to continue with this behaviour but, as your partner finds it upsetting, don't be surprised if he decides you arent the person for him

It’s not I want to continue I am confused as I think I get mixed messages about what is acceptable to him. He’s come up behind me before and slapped me on the bum very playfully so I am also just messing about.

Each to their own but I don't want to be slapped on the bum in public by anyone! Context matters here. Where/when/who's watching etc? He's told you he doesn't like it but how much that is 'controlling' and how much is kindly asking you to moderate your natural behaviour so he's not uncomfortable I don't know. The fact that it's after a few drinks suggests it's when you are feeling less inhibited. We don't always see how we come across to others.

If many people tell you that you are "very flirty", there's probably some truth to that. There's nothing wrong with being flirty, it can be a very endearing and sexy quality, but I think one should always think about who gets to benefit from the flirting, and where. For your own sake. I don't think it's necessarily a compliment to be told by the people around you are "very flirty". It could be a polite way of telling you that you're too much.

Examples are, I wiggled my bum a little bit at him in a bar, danced a little bit with a female friend at a party (not at all sexually) and casually laid my knee over his knee when I was wearing high heels and a short skirt when sitting on a high bar stool close to him.
Yeah, that's too much. By all means do this in the comfort of your own home, with your boyfriend, but the whole bar doesn't need to be the audience. You have mentioned your flirty behaviour in connection to "a few drinks" a couple of times now. Does this mean your flirtatious behaviour comes out primarily when you've been drinking?

These were all just things that happened in the moment after a few drinks and even when I reflect on them, and ask other women who were there
Why does it matter what "other women" think? Your boyfriend is telling you this behaviour in public makes him feel uncomfortable.

What is his behaviour like in public? Does he do similar things to you?

"casually laid my knee over his knee when I was wearing high heels and a short skirt when sitting on a high bar stool close to him."

"I am now feeling self conscious about myself and whether I am embarrassing myself"

I think you can safely say you're embarrassing yourself and him too.

I think you both need to stop doing your mating dance in public. Acknowledge that he’s said he doesn’t like it, point out that he sends mixed messages sometimes by instigating it, and agree you’ll both turn it off outside the house. Have fun, chat, tell jokes, be lively and vibrant - that doesn’t mean you need to be slapping each other’s backsides and sexy wiggling and clambering into his lap. Ostentatious flirting with your partner when among a group is like having repeated private conversations when you’re in a group: you’re doing something which specifically excludes other people and it makes other people feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Very wisely put @ComtesseDeSpair 👏👏

Yes it’s always with alcohol involved on both sides. We are having fun until we suddenly aren’t. He keeps buying me drinks as well, whereas if I was buying my own I probably would slow down so I think I will have to start getting my own and alternating with soft drinks.

Yes he will do or say things in public that don’t help, it’s not like he’s pushing me off him and saying stop doing it in the moment, he will get into this on the walk home afterwards. So sometimes I’ve even forgotten it happened as it was a fleeting moment.

I agree we both need to stop I don’t think it’s all on me. We do PDA and I am sure it’s annoying to other people.

I also think he should just go out without me more often and we can do other things because we never have this issue just having dinner, it’s always towards the end of the night when things are getting messy. I’m not like this after one or 2 drinks.

We don’t live together so sometimes I’ve not seen him for a week, and we are out and it’s the first time we have spent any time together in a while, it’s not like we spent hours indoors before we went out we will go out after work, and I’m excited to see him and spend time with him.

It does all sound a bit cringe.

Maybe you should stop drinking alcohol? Do you think that would help?

It's a him problem. I had one of these. I threw him back.

it’s not like we spent hours indoors before we went out we will go out after work, and I’m excited to see him and spend time with him.

Yes but you're not an unneutered cat.

I'm sure if you really try, you can contain your excitement until you're alone.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, but reading it made me cringe, OP, so I understand where your DP is coming from.

I think this comes down to compatability. It annoys and embarrasses him (for whatever reason) - he can't help that. Do you really want to have to constantly check or censor yourself, though? You should be most comfortable to be yourself around your partner. I'd say you're not well suited.

No I am aware. I grew up in 90’s/2000’s ladette culture as well and me and my friends were all similar, so basically I think I just start to channel a spice girl or Sara Cox once I’ve had a few drinks. He used to play rugby and go out and get fully naked in the local Indian restaurant with his mates no so long ago.. why is it ok for men to do this stuff and not women does come to mind

I’m going to work on a plan though as I don’t want him to feel this way, we get on amazing in all other ways.

I had an ex like this. He'd say the same things about "I'm just friendly", "Its just how I am", "I'm like this with everyone", yet everyone else knew him as a flirt and all the girls got told to be wary, and not spend time alone with him.

It's an awful thing to have to watch & deal with. Embarrassing and humiliating.

No I say I am mortified and really sorry. I don’t make excuses to him because that’s not going to help. He’s never accused me of flirting with other men that’s not the issue

You both sound like you enjoy showing off when drunk.Thats not pleasant for other people to be around.

I grew up in 90’s/2000’s ladette culture as well and me and my friends were all similar, so basically I think I just start to channel a spice girl or Sara Cox once I’ve had a few drinks.

Things have moved on since then. That's attention seeking behaviour and maybe it's time to rethink the alcohol intake if this is when you go messy in public.

It’s not ok for men to do this.
It’s horrendous behaviour for anyone but a toddler.
How old is he for crissake?

He doesn’t do this anymore it’s when he was younger

He’s fine with me today and everything is cool.

I agree I need to cut down on drinking. I've never been very good at drinking, I don’t even like hangovers, and before we got together I had stopped going out like this for a long time for this reason. It’s fine if it’s dinner date or indoors, but it’s pubs and bars that usually are the problem as conversation gets silly, it gets really late, there is no table between us, other people are drunk and can encourage silly behaviour if they are also being silly. Plus really I just want to spend time with him on our own, if I’ve not seen him a while.

I actually always want to go home before he is ready to leave, and have usually been asking to leave for a while because I’m aware I’ve reached my limit, sometimes I’ve not eaten either, and he doesn’t help because he stays longer so I should just go on home without him as this is usually when things go to shit

My plan is to not drink or not go out with him. If I do drink I am going to buy my own drinks, alternate with soft drinks and also sit at a table away from him so I am not on bar stools. I read online about setting alarms every hour to check yourself and slow down so I could also try this. We are going on holiday soon and I don’t want this to happen then so I am going to avoid drinking. I don’t want to be embarrassing or invading his personal space I would also hate this

He's told you he doesn't like your drunken attention seeking behaviour with him when you're drunk. You become uninhibited when you drink to the point of him being ready to end your relationship over it so your alcohol use has affected your relationship. But you also said he keeps buying you drinks so he's sending mixed messages. You need to discuss the mixed messages he's sending.

But your biggest issue is your alcohol use. You say you don't eat, then drink more than you want. He buys you drinks. You want to pace yourself and stop at a certain point yet don't. It sounds like you're binging and that's a form of alcohol abuse.

Go see your GP and get blood tests run including liver function tests. Discuss your alcohol use honestly and ask for referrals.

Bloody hell, I see the pearl clutchers are out in force today.

OP, don't dampen your spirit for anyone. Fuck him and anyone else who says it's embarrassing or cringy. Us women are told constantly to be small and quiet and mousey and the minute we step out of line men AND women come down on us like a ton of bricks.

So you continue to wiggle your bum and if a man doesn't like it - get him in the bin. As for a group of women shaming you for it on the internet - into the bin with them too 😊