Am I being too flirty in public, or is my partner overreacting?

[Pollune]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this as I have no intention of breaking up with my partner over this, but some perspective as this is the only thing we ever argue over.

I have been told by many men that they see me as very flirty. I am very chatty, smiley and friendly naturally to men, women, children and animals and I am not intentionally flirting 99% of the time. If I like someone and am attracted to them I may intentionally flirt, but this would to me, be different and more flirty than just my baseline friendly. Some men have got the wrong idea about me and it’s led to some awkward and uncomfortable situations.

My current partner and I met in person, not online, he is also very charming, friendly, smiley and naturally flirty himself to be honest, not in a sleazy way, but I’ve seen the effect he has on women and he had the effect on me 😂.

I trust him and he says he trusts me.

I am very strongly a monogamous person and I would never flirt with another man whilst in a relationship, I don’t need or want attention from other men, I actually really enjoy flirting with my partner and we generally have a very affectionate, touchy, flirty relationship. Sometimes he doesn’t like this in public and that’s fine, I respect his boundaries but sometimes he engages with PDA so we might kiss on the lips, hug or lightly touch each other on the leg or arm.

This leads me to the argument. DP can sometimes suddenly take exception to certain things I might say or do in public when I believe I am flirting with him because he thinks it makes me look bad. He says I am ‘very attractive’ and this behaviour ‘gives other men a wrong impression’ of me and is embarrassing.

This is usually on a night out together or with friends and we have had a few drinks. When this has happened I am always standing next to him, or directly facing him, looking/smiling at him and he is the intended beneficiary or I am just enjoying myself.

Examples are, I wiggled my bum a little bit at him in a bar, danced a little bit with a female friend at a party (not at all sexually) and casually laid my knee over his knee when I was wearing high heels and a short skirt when sitting on a high bar stool close to him.

These were all just things that happened in the moment after a few drinks and even when I reflect on them, and ask other women who were there, I really don’t think they were OTT gross overly sexual acts, I wasn’t out of control drunk, grinding on him, taking my clothes off or falling over, and it’s likely only he noticed. I still don’t know why I did them and see his point they are unnecessary in public, and if he finds it embarrassing then I don’t want to make him feel that way. But also I don’t care what other men think about me.

He says his piece, I say it wasn’t coming from a bad place, he says he knows this but doesn’t like it, we make up and then everything is fine but then it happened again recently.

I am now feeling self conscious about myself and whether I am embarrassing myself and if or how I stop doing things like this or is he being unreasonable? I think drinking less will help as I obviously become a bit less inhibited.

He isn’t controlling in any other way, and he doesn’t bring this up disrespectfully or shout, or punish me - he just says he doesn’t like it, but recently after I put my leg on him, he said he keeps asking me not to and I don’t listen, so if I do this again he will end our relationship so this was much heavier than before.

Some of these responses are so prudish. Presumably from uptight, boring people? You sound fun and nice. None of your examples are anything to worry about. This is a classic case of a man finding a beautiful woman full of fun and life gradually trying to dampen her spirits once in a relationship due to his own insecurities.

If many men have said you’re flirtatious it’s probably because most men are too dull-witted to tell the difference between an attractive woman being friendly and polite and one that wishes to sleep with them.

I’ve had bloods recently I am fine, and this is not happening weekly it is occasional, but more than I am comfortable with and I’m going to cut down.

Yes basically I got back from work, and hadn’t seen him for a week, so a lot to catch up on.

Instead of having dinner he wanted to go out for drinks first. I did ask for a few soft drinks, but also alcoholic drinks kept appearing in front of me. I asked to go home around 9, we left about 9.30 to get food from the shop, but then he wanted to go into the pub further along the road on the way back. In that pub I recall having 2 more drinks, it got hazy and then we left and had a disagreement as I had put my leg on him. I said sorry lots of times. We made food and talked more, then made up and went to sleep.

I don’t think finding a man stark bollock naked in a restaurant offensive makes me prudish!

I would hate this, I think it’s a rugby thing but he hasn’t done this for years. My point in my mind is how is that not worse than what I did 😂

The more you post, the less this sounds like a healthy relationship, despite your statements that everything else is wonderful. He’s ignoring you when you say you don’t want an alcoholic drink, and when you say you’ve had enough and would prefer to get some food or go home, you don’t appear to be able to assert yourself or stop drinking, then you end up behaving as you do because you’re drunk and he gets angry with you. You need to have a think about the dynamics of this relationship, and you both have some talking to do.

Unless I'm misunderstanding what you've written nothing you've done sounds too much or cringe or embarrassing or inappropriate as all the comments are saying. You sound like you are being a bit affectionate on a night out. He sounds like hard work getting uptight because you put your knee over his. He sounds like a bit of a control freak to me.

I think your partner is demonstrating several red flags OP and what other posters are saying are your overstepping his boundaries, miss that he's overstepping yours. You have not asked for these drinks, you've expressed before the night started that you don't want to have too many, you've asked to leave when you're ready to go home. Your partner berates you and shames you for your flirty behaviour but deliberately blurs the lines by behaving this way himself too. I would be very wary.

We don’t argue about anything else at all, he’s always respectful and nice to me. He doesn’t try to control me in any other way or put me down. When he was talking to me last night he realised I was getting upset and made the effort to listen to me and talk it out and it didn’t escalate.

He’s not used to receiving affection although he says he enjoys it, I was open from day 1 that I am comfortable with affection and it’s my way of expressing myself, but we agree there is a middle ground where we are both comfortable and not overstepping boundaries. As he is more reserved than me I think this can lead to friction.

I do agree that it’s not helpful at the time when he is also not listening to me asking to go home so I need to be more assertive

I’ve been in a similar position before - not so much flirty but being the fun person in a room, the one everyone wants to hang out with. My ex absolutely loved being around me, gravitated around me, and then when he was actually with me it became “too much” and I was embarrassing him. He too would encourage me to drink, so when I inevitably went too far I would get it in the neck and not be able to defend myself. It wore me down, to the point where I didn’t know who I was anymore and my friends we so concerned at how much I was trying to appease him. Even when I made myself smaller, he still found ways to get at me. I really hope it’s not like this at all, but if you recognise even a little bit of this feeling, you can leave. Someone will love you for who you are.

Thank you for sharing, I am sorry to hear this.

My DP knows my ex had an issue with this too as I told him that my ex ruined my birthday one year having a sulky tantrum because I was dancing in a bar having fun, with a mixed group of people, and he was choosing to sit down and not join in. My ex would also tell me off after nights out for things I had said and done, like oversharing info (nothing serious) so I do assume now I am the issue, but there are some other red flags on his part around him and my boundaries being a contributing factor.

Why does he keep buying you alcohol when you’ve said you do t want it? Is he aware he’s contributing to the problem?

Do you think that he may be drinking more than would be ideal? He may be starting to find it difficult to stop when you are out together? Possibly lining himself up for a future drinking problem unless he takes stock now?
He seems to be pushing your boundaries, and then criticising your behaviour when his mental focus is narrowed by alcohol - kind of, blaming you, for a situation that he’s creating?
Sorry if I’m right off the mark, but it’s a situation I’ve seen before, and maybe it applies here?

It sounds like he is setting you up to fail, OP, and is ignoring quite a few boundaries of yours. Are you sure he is a nice as he is presenting himself to be? Because I am seeing lots of red flags.

If you are an extrovert, chatty smiley woman who likes a bit of PDA when sauced, find a man that can love that about you and not let his insecurities get in the way. Good luck, because they are hard to find!

As for the flirting, lots of men think eye contact is flirting, so I would take that with a pinch of salt.

Oh wow. I had a boyfriend in my late twenties that I met in a late bar. He told the story often od how he walked inside and saw me - he could give every detail of how I was dressed, what I was wearing , how I was standing with my head thrown back laughing and then how I started dancing to a particular song. He couldn't take his eyes off me, kept trying to speak to me but I was too busy having fun with my friends. He eventually bumped into me on the way out and we swapped numbers.

I used to think this was so romantic. He talked about how the room disappeared when he saw me. It was funny how he told it - two hours while he tried to get my attention, strike up conversation, offer me a drink, ask me to dance and how I kept ignoring him.

I was blissfully unaware as my friends and I were having such a good time we were just waving away any hovering guys.

Fast forward into the relationship. He would tell me to sit down, stop dancing, stop being so loud etc etc. He constantly lost his temper asking me "how much attention do you need?" and glaring at other guys.

Sit down, be small, be invisible or else some other guy might steal you away.

OP you need to get a grip, as do many of the posters here. You wiggled your bum at him, you put your leg on his and you danced with your friend.

He is a jealous insecure controlling wanker.

Run.

I have an update.

We had a funny few days after this but I did broach the subject and I was upfront with him that I thought that he was giving me mixed messages and that although I understand he finds it embarrassing, he wasn’t helping the situation by doing other things like not listening when I wanted to leave and keep buying me drinks. I said I am not one of the lads I am your girlfriend and I don’t love hangovers. He didn’t get defensive and he listened and said he could see where I was also coming from.

He said his ex would flirt in public for attention from others and eventually cheated (which I knew) and he didn’t want to come across as controlling to say I should stop drinking as he wants me to have fun.

I said would like to ask for his support to work together on us both having good experiences and he said he wanted to be a good partner and would do what I’ve asked (leave when I want to leave, eat food at a reasonable time, not keep buying me drinks I don’t ask for).

And we popped out last night after eating at home, and he did absolutely all of this and we had a lovely time. We had a couple of drinks, he grabbed me a soft drink from the bar, we left pretty early and I could see he was feeling good about this.

However the main update is, while we were out, one of his ‘friends’ made a dig about me about when I’m drunk along the lines of me being a liability (charming fella) and DP got defensive of me. He put this guy straight and said he never wanted me to stop having fun, that’s what he loves about me that I am fun and never wants me to feel bad about myself and calling me a liability was rude. The guy apologised.

Hopefully we can put this behind us now but I will still keep an eye out for behaviour that isn’t ok. And I will keep myself in check 😂

You're policing your own behaviour an awful lot just to keep this man happy, aren't you?

Wondering what else he's going to find fault with about you next...

Yeah - I was reading the responses and thinking 'what the fuck'.. you're not OTT, cringe or 'displaying mating behaviour in public' for gods sake.

You sound like a lot of fun, are comfortable with who you are and occasionally express your affection for your partner in small ways whilst out, after having a few drinks.

Into the bin with them all, indeed!

Ah, didnt see your update! His friends comment does make it sound like you're a bit more full on than your other comments 😁 but glad he defended you and I stand by my previous post...

Get a hobby other than drinking

She doesn’t have to drink it.

Gosh, how helpful. You should become a life coach with ideas like that...

I think part a certain point of drinking you lose track of what you are drinking, that’s also on me to never get to that point. He’s twice the size of me and I can’t drink as much.

We do lots of other things aside from drinking we didn’t go out once or drink this past weekend. It was someone’s birthday so we popped by the pub for 2 hours last night.

He agrees he was not being fair on me and I shouldn’t change who I am he doesn’t want that. I think it was a bit of an old wound and he recognised that after a chat.

I think his ‘friend’ was shit stirring on purpose as he likes to wind my DP up because actually he’s going through a divorce and is not happy I’ve come along and distracted his going out friend. He makes other digs too so we see him a lot less nowadays sadly.

I think that there are a few things going on... his default way of relaxing and spending time together revolves around drinking. Which is ok but can you have a talk about this? There has to be a middle ground. Also explain that you can't match his drinking so when you request a soft drink or no drink at all, he needs to respect that. Also, you can be affectionate without being so physical when out and about. I suspect that what's going on is that you putting your leg on him is drawing attention (maybe he thinks you will inadvertently flash the pub) and he's not comfortable with that. That's ok. But honestly if you are too drunk to realise that because of the drinks he insists on bringing you then he needs to also take some responsibility for that. Ideally you need to work out whether you still get on as well by spending more time sober together.

You’re behaving in a sexual way towards your partner which makes him feel uncomfortable - of course you need to stop. You’re doing this in public and will be making other people feel uncomfortable too.