Am I being too flirty in public, or is my partner overreacting?

[Pollune]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this as I have no intention of breaking up with my partner over this, but some perspective as this is the only thing we ever argue over.

I have been told by many men that they see me as very flirty. I am very chatty, smiley and friendly naturally to men, women, children and animals and I am not intentionally flirting 99% of the time. If I like someone and am attracted to them I may intentionally flirt, but this would to me, be different and more flirty than just my baseline friendly. Some men have got the wrong idea about me and it’s led to some awkward and uncomfortable situations.

My current partner and I met in person, not online, he is also very charming, friendly, smiley and naturally flirty himself to be honest, not in a sleazy way, but I’ve seen the effect he has on women and he had the effect on me 😂.

I trust him and he says he trusts me.

I am very strongly a monogamous person and I would never flirt with another man whilst in a relationship, I don’t need or want attention from other men, I actually really enjoy flirting with my partner and we generally have a very affectionate, touchy, flirty relationship. Sometimes he doesn’t like this in public and that’s fine, I respect his boundaries but sometimes he engages with PDA so we might kiss on the lips, hug or lightly touch each other on the leg or arm.

This leads me to the argument. DP can sometimes suddenly take exception to certain things I might say or do in public when I believe I am flirting with him because he thinks it makes me look bad. He says I am ‘very attractive’ and this behaviour ‘gives other men a wrong impression’ of me and is embarrassing.

This is usually on a night out together or with friends and we have had a few drinks. When this has happened I am always standing next to him, or directly facing him, looking/smiling at him and he is the intended beneficiary or I am just enjoying myself.

Examples are, I wiggled my bum a little bit at him in a bar, danced a little bit with a female friend at a party (not at all sexually) and casually laid my knee over his knee when I was wearing high heels and a short skirt when sitting on a high bar stool close to him.

These were all just things that happened in the moment after a few drinks and even when I reflect on them, and ask other women who were there, I really don’t think they were OTT gross overly sexual acts, I wasn’t out of control drunk, grinding on him, taking my clothes off or falling over, and it’s likely only he noticed. I still don’t know why I did them and see his point they are unnecessary in public, and if he finds it embarrassing then I don’t want to make him feel that way. But also I don’t care what other men think about me.

He says his piece, I say it wasn’t coming from a bad place, he says he knows this but doesn’t like it, we make up and then everything is fine but then it happened again recently.

I am now feeling self conscious about myself and whether I am embarrassing myself and if or how I stop doing things like this or is he being unreasonable? I think drinking less will help as I obviously become a bit less inhibited.

He isn’t controlling in any other way, and he doesn’t bring this up disrespectfully or shout, or punish me - he just says he doesn’t like it, but recently after I put my leg on him, he said he keeps asking me not to and I don’t listen, so if I do this again he will end our relationship so this was much heavier than before.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong and he is trying to manage you and make you feel self conscious. So what if you are a bit flirty and so is he.
If you are naturally a bit flirty and he is quite prudish and overly concerned about what others think, then this guy will wreck your confidence and self esteem.
So many men seem to love women like this just so they can knock them down and change them

@mcmuffin22

firstly it’s a fairly small town and it’s very pub centric around here 😂

from what I gather he got quite depressed after his LTR RS ended and the nights he didn’t have his kids he was going down the local pub for company. He said he would feel awful after the kids left and just didn’t want to be in the house.

He then had therapy and got back into health and fitness and cut down going out as much and got into a much better place.

Then we met and started dating, and we have been going out having fun letting our hair down, especially as it’s been a long hot summer, he wanted me to meet his friends and over the last few months I feel part of the local community (and his friend circle) now so that’s nice.

We do not always go out drinking we do loads of other things like go to the gym, go for walks, cook together, spend time with family, watch TV shows, go on drives, visit museums and go on city breaks!

I have my own friends who he has met but they prefer meeting up and having meals together or going on hikes. We just have different friend circles and over time I hope we will find a good balance.

We spent about 2 hours chatting shit late last night then both woke up early and spent another 2 hours chatting shit, he’s a great guy I do think he loves a drink but also he’s open minded to exploring other activities he’s just been in a habit for a few years

I can understand that and live in a similar place - always lots going on and lots of places to drink and plenty of people to bump into. I think then just agree boundaries and that you will both compromise - agree a time to leave before you start drinking perhaps or agree how much you want to drink. I am sure you will find a balance. However I think you need to listen to him when he says what behaviour he finds uncomfortable.

So you’re in your 40s ? 😵‍💫

@dreamingofgoodhair yes and if it’s relevant, I also live in a part of the UK where this culture was really prevalent, plus I am from a low working class background, grew up really poor and with shit parents who didn’t care where I was from age 5 so I was a latch key kid, got into a bad crowd, started drinking at a young age, failed all my exams, had a shit start in life generally, some of my friends died of drug related problems and I had all kind of good and terrible experiences from a very young age and exposed to all sorts of adult behaviour as a child and got taken advantage of by men at a young age too

but now I am a successful woman with a good job who is proud of myself. I love my partner and I do think he has my interests at heart but we needed to talk about it.

Thanks for your concern though about my age

I'm a bit on the fence with this (sorry) I think him telling you that he doesn't like it is a point that you need to take on board. What I don't like is that it seems to tell you when you've both had a drink, this will rarely end well. My ex used to do this and it was to keep me in my place...

I would cut back on the drinking when you're with him and see how he is with you when you're sober, you will be able to see if he is picking on you! You don't always pick up on it when you've had a drink.

Remember that when you met him, he liked your personality you shouldn't have to change for the right man! x

@Retro12 I do take it on board. I was mortified and felt terrible but he has reassured me he isn’t trying to keep me down or change me. There are things that have come up between us from both our pasts and this was an example of where some of these collided. Day to day generally we are great.

Both of us can find it hard to be vulnerable with each other, but after this we opened up to each other and we seem to understand more about each other and what boundaries there are.

I feel like I am fun, but actually there are some older historical behaviours that come out that I don’t realise are still present. I don’t know if it’s easy to understand unless you had this kind of youth where you had minimal parental guidance as a young girl.

He’s a man and he had decent parents so was brought up to see this kind of thing as bad behaviour that meant that a girl had no self respect, but he’s right - I didn’t for many years and had to learn it, it wasn’t taught to me. And I can feel really ashamed of it but that wasn’t his intention. He doesn’t want other people to see me that way because he knows I’m not like that. Then there is a part of me that feels it’s a bit misogynistic because lads get away with far worse and it’s seen as masculine and socially acceptable

Pretty sure I’ve read this exact scenario before on here.

Do you need to wiggle your bum at your boyfriend or lay your legs across him whilst wearing heels and a short skirt in a bar? The answer is No. Your boyfriend clearly finds this behaviour embarrassing, rather than sexy or endearing.

I rather suspect that this type of behaviour comes out more when you've been drinking. What you're perceiving as sexy, your boyfriend is perceiving as alcohol induced over-the-top behaviour. You've said, he's asked you to stop, when you've behaved this way, and you've ignored him. Why? Your antics are making him feel uncomfortable.

There's nothing wrong in having a bubbly, friendly, chatty personality, I'm sure that's part of what draw your boyfriend to you.

I would cringe so hard if anyone I knew did this past 18.

What’s PDA?

For context, not that people are interested, he also hugs/touches/kisses me. Thats PDA

My recollection of these events

I was sitting close next to him on a high bar stool and he was learning into me, staring into my eyes because we were talking, I had one hand on his knee, I sort of pushed myself up to adjust myself and cross my legs, as perching on a bar stool isn’t always easy, and hooked one knee over his knee and leaned against him. No one saw up my skirt, we was in a dark corner. It was not random out of nowhere just slapping my leg onto his lap.

When I wiggled my bum in fact the reason for it was someone else (the rude friend) had split an entire pint of beer all over me when I was wearing blue jeans, so I was soaking wet all in the bum and thigh area and I got up to sort myself out to grab a towel from the bar, everyone was laughing, I just wiggled my bum while I was also laughing. That time he thought I did it for attention from others, but I was looking back directly at him that time. I was wearing jeans and trainers so not all dressed up and IMO it wasn’t even sexy it was ‘haha I have a wet arse’

The time I was ‘dancing’, a VERY drunk female friend was trying to encourage the other women to do ridiculous silly dancing, I didn’t join in as I already knew he wouldn’t like it if I made a tit of myself, however this woman (it was her birthday and she’s an old friend of his) eventually pulled me to the ground clinging onto my neck and we rolled on the floor laughing and she sat on top of me. Her husband was videoing it and you can see I am laughing, but have my hands over my face and I am not encouraging it

Are you all very young or something? This is batshit behaviour if all grown adults.

It just gets more cringeworthy with each post

@Pollune I actually always want to go home before he is ready to leave, and have usually been asking to leave for a while because I’m aware I’ve reached my limit, sometimes I’ve not eaten either, and he doesn’t help because he stays longer so I should just go on home without him as this is usually when things go to shit

Is he controlling? I assume you're the same age as me from your comments about ladette cuture in the 90s. That means you're very much a grown up and can make sure you eat properly before you go out and make your own decisions as to when you drink/stop drinking/go home.

I'm sorry but this contradicts a lot of your comments

That's just your opinion which you have given several times now.

We are all different and some people like to go out and have fun. Not sure if you're familiar with that term 'fun' but you should try it some time ☺️

I can and do have fun. I don’t class rolling around drunk and being filmed enjoyable. Or shaking my wet arse around the pub.

it doesn’t seem to matter what I say, we have different views and experiences. You don’t need to keep coming back to sneer at me, you can just leave the thread of your own choice here. Thanks

personal displays of affection

It’s not about what we think is appropriate though is it? Your boyfriend doesn’t like it and you’re embarrassing him. Now he may be a stuffed shirt and boring, but it’s worth listening to you can still, of course ignore him.