I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years- we don’t live together as he has two school aged children (60% in his care) and I have two adult sons who live at home - he has indicated that he would want us to live together however I have raised my children and I love my sanctuary that my home is.
My ex husband of 25 years cheated on me for context.
He received a birthday card about 6 months ago from someone who wrote ‘to the love of my life’ - the card was on his bedroom and I don’t think I was meant to see it. I admit I was thrown by it, he’d never mentioned this person and was adamant he’d known her years ago, wasn’t in contact and it came out of the blue, wasn’t his fault etc and was only upstairs as that’s where he’d opened the post and he was going to throw it away. I didn’t ask him to, wasn’t shitty about it or anything
Fast forward to now. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks, I was away with work and then he was ill and didn’t want to pass it on. We spoke and FT all the time during this time. On Monday we FT, he had the kids and he said he had to go as needed to finish dinner and then he had to do their homework and sort baths and bed so he’d be busy but we’d speak later. Approx 30 minutes later I decided to pop round as I had something for the girls and we hadn’t seen each other in ages and he was feeling better, he’s always telling me I don’t pop in enough too. So I thought it would be a nice surprise.
I arrived to find an unknown car there, I have a key but for some reason didn’t use it, saw he had company and knocked instead. It took ages for him to open the door, I could hear movement and opening and closing of doors. He eventually opened the door but came straight out and tried to get me to go with him up the road. Honestly this was weird as hell, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and tried to get me to go with him, he looked panicked for want of a better word. I refused to go with and said let’s go in the house and he wouldn’t, wouldn’t tell me who was in the house or what was going on. He said that he ‘didn’t want me to get the wrong idea’ I pointed out that his behaviour, refusal to tell me anything and not letting me in were giving me the wrong idea regardless. I said that he could tell me what was going on or we were done, he just kept refusing, so eventually I said to him ‘we’re done’ and got on my car and he threw his hands up and went into the house.
Subsequent texts (I initiated) saw the same thing he has refused to tell me, said he’s ’not doing this tonight’ and that he’s not cheating and would ‘own it’ if he had etc, but still not explained jack shit.
I have since spoken to his family member who also popped round to his unexpectedly Monday, she has explained it was this same woman who sent the birthday card, he said to his family member that he ‘thinks he’s made a terrible mistake’ and explained to her that he acted the way he did as he didn’t want me to think he was cheating because of what happened with my ex. Wtaf. How he thinks I’m going to think anything else is beyond me.
According to his family member this woman is the guardian of his daughters friend and my partner used to take the kids out together - so she’s clearly not someone he’s not heard of or from for years is she. His ex wife apparently had a confrontation with this woman too years ago when they were married.
I have not heard from him since Monday night now. I’m not going mad am I? I don’t think I overreacted- he’s clearly lied to me about who she is and their relationship for months, and then to not let me in or tell me it was her just adds to it. I also think if he knows that’s how she views him he is potentially leading her on too, so he is being a prick to her too.
How could I ever trust him again? Without trust there’s little point, I think I’d go mad wondering all the time if he was doing what he said he was etc
I just feel devastated and sad and just keep crying if I think about it. I’ve told a few people but I keep hoping he will have some magic solution that will fix it all. That sounds pathetic I know.
I think I need views as to whether I have overreacted or not. Sorry if this is long and rambling