Have I overreacted and ended my relationship over nothing or was I right to do so

[Garcialikeskittens]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years- we don’t live together as he has two school aged children (60% in his care) and I have two adult sons who live at home - he has indicated that he would want us to live together however I have raised my children and I love my sanctuary that my home is.

My ex husband of 25 years cheated on me for context.

He received a birthday card about 6 months ago from someone who wrote ‘to the love of my life’ - the card was on his bedroom and I don’t think I was meant to see it. I admit I was thrown by it, he’d never mentioned this person and was adamant he’d known her years ago, wasn’t in contact and it came out of the blue, wasn’t his fault etc and was only upstairs as that’s where he’d opened the post and he was going to throw it away. I didn’t ask him to, wasn’t shitty about it or anything

Fast forward to now. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks, I was away with work and then he was ill and didn’t want to pass it on. We spoke and FT all the time during this time. On Monday we FT, he had the kids and he said he had to go as needed to finish dinner and then he had to do their homework and sort baths and bed so he’d be busy but we’d speak later. Approx 30 minutes later I decided to pop round as I had something for the girls and we hadn’t seen each other in ages and he was feeling better, he’s always telling me I don’t pop in enough too. So I thought it would be a nice surprise.

I arrived to find an unknown car there, I have a key but for some reason didn’t use it, saw he had company and knocked instead. It took ages for him to open the door, I could hear movement and opening and closing of doors. He eventually opened the door but came straight out and tried to get me to go with him up the road. Honestly this was weird as hell, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and tried to get me to go with him, he looked panicked for want of a better word. I refused to go with and said let’s go in the house and he wouldn’t, wouldn’t tell me who was in the house or what was going on. He said that he ‘didn’t want me to get the wrong idea’ I pointed out that his behaviour, refusal to tell me anything and not letting me in were giving me the wrong idea regardless. I said that he could tell me what was going on or we were done, he just kept refusing, so eventually I said to him ‘we’re done’ and got on my car and he threw his hands up and went into the house.

Subsequent texts (I initiated) saw the same thing he has refused to tell me, said he’s ’not doing this tonight’ and that he’s not cheating and would ‘own it’ if he had etc, but still not explained jack shit.

I have since spoken to his family member who also popped round to his unexpectedly Monday, she has explained it was this same woman who sent the birthday card, he said to his family member that he ‘thinks he’s made a terrible mistake’ and explained to her that he acted the way he did as he didn’t want me to think he was cheating because of what happened with my ex. Wtaf. How he thinks I’m going to think anything else is beyond me.

According to his family member this woman is the guardian of his daughters friend and my partner used to take the kids out together - so she’s clearly not someone he’s not heard of or from for years is she. His ex wife apparently had a confrontation with this woman too years ago when they were married.

I have not heard from him since Monday night now. I’m not going mad am I? I don’t think I overreacted- he’s clearly lied to me about who she is and their relationship for months, and then to not let me in or tell me it was her just adds to it. I also think if he knows that’s how she views him he is potentially leading her on too, so he is being a prick to her too.

How could I ever trust him again? Without trust there’s little point, I think I’d go mad wondering all the time if he was doing what he said he was etc

I just feel devastated and sad and just keep crying if I think about it. I’ve told a few people but I keep hoping he will have some magic solution that will fix it all. That sounds pathetic I know.

I think I need views as to whether I have overreacted or not. Sorry if this is long and rambling

Apparently she said to him (this is via the family member) that she hoped she hadn’t caused any damage or upset. I said to his family member that she didn’t, he did. She’s really not the issue, his lying and reaction is

This 100%

I cant, he’s ruined it all

I'm so sorry, what a bastard 😡 you didn't overreact, his behaviour was very shifty and you were right to think he was up to no good - what other conclusion could you draw? He's done nothing to put your mind at rest and has in fact tried to turn it around on you. He's an absolute scumbag.

You're a strong woman and you will get through this. You deserve much better than him. It's especially cruel when he knows you've been cheated on before. You survived that and you'll survive this - you're bruised but not broken. You will heal. Be kind to yourself and lean on your friends and family 💐

Aghhh crying again
Thank you for your kindness

I turn 50 next week, and this is the 2nd time in 6 years my future has upended itself

I know it’s not something I have misunderstood and I just need to work it through - all while feeling very sad for myself- I’ll survive, I did before x

@Garcialikeskittens I think you have every reason to believe he had another woman in there so no you definitely didn’t over react, i would stop thinking he can be a better person and will somehow fix the situation because he won’t, he will likely use any sign of weakness from you to play you again. If you want a man just go and find one that’s not a massive dickhead and that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck, big hugs 🤗

He’d never even mentioned her before now.
Ironically had he let me I wouldn’t have known she was the same woman that wrote the card! my menopausal brain hadn’t remembered her name 🙈

I will get over it but am definitely done with men

Given it was four years it might be healthy to have it out with him instead of you both ignoring each other. Still dump him because he is a liar bit let him know how you feel. Some people just love to be loved. A friend of mine kept a communication exchange going on a daily basis through her marriage, with an ex partner who was clearly in love with her. She couldn't see why this would upset her now ex-husband. It's unethical of him to string this woman along for his own ego and now he has lost a great relationship over it.

The loveliness of complete strangers is a wonderful thing, thank you

He made choices and he can live with them.

I do deserve better and I will move on, done it before and I have wonderful people around me - I am lucky in many ways and the absolute saving grace is that I found out now

He's lied to you and he will have been spinning a web of lies to her too.
I'll bet you are his 'ex who can't get over him' 🤨
Pity him and pity her too, she'll have this to come in her future also.
You were brilliant OP 👏

Pretty sure I am done with men - far more hassle than it’s worth!

Theres no recovering this and I do know that, I just need to ride this out x

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, i’ve been there so i know how it consumes you. Be strong and take care x

For sure wobbly - you just got hurt really bad (the bastard), I would be the same as you, I think we all would.

Your weekend away sounds great, nothing better than good friends and family too to spend time with. And I hope you enjoy your 50th, hope have some bubbles and laughs, you deserve it - Happy birthday :-)

Yeah he’s not been fair to her either

I agree speaking to him is probably the healthier option but I, rightly or wrongly, don’t want to be the one to reach out. The gut feeling is that it would make him feel that I was a pulsating in some way. I don’t know, I need to get my head clearer on it all

i do have some bit of his and we have each others keys - that will need sorting x

Thank you x

I did say to my sister he probably said I was a crazy ex that won’t leave him alone and he needs to just pop outside to get rid of me 😂🙈

Thank you all
I was hesitant to post, but so glad I did. You have reinforced my gut feeling and that my response was the right one for me
I’m sad, but I’ll be ok 💕💕

You did the right thing. He was definitely cheating, even if he hadn't slept with her, he crossed that line into spending time alone to test the waters. Don't contact him again, he's not worth a second more of your time.

I would just post his key back to him and change my locks. No good ever comes out of having any kind of closure conversation with a lying cheating bloke.

You did the right thing he is a liar and a cheat end of

He ushered you down the street! You have under reacted IMHO.

all the best for your future life without the cheating sod.

This!

You were OP he was so busted, well done for not falling for his lies 💪

I agree, there's nothing to talk to him about OP. He's a liar and a cheat. He's trying to gaslight you and that's all he will do if you speak to him again. It's so good you have support. Please lean into it and don't waste another single word speaking to him. I dread to think how he got 60% contact time with his children.

What's the saying - something like fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? This is the once - don't let him do it again. Be strong and don't listen to his manipulation. You deserve better

I wouldn't be reaching out to clear the air or have it out with him as the poster above has advised. You've already given him ample opportunity to do this, and even initiated a text exchange on Monday and he's refused to engage or reach out to you to explain. Any more on your part will look like you're weakening. He doesn't care about saving your relationship, so why should you be chasing him? You have enough information now to make a decision that works for YOU.

I'm sorry that this happened but really proud of you.

It's clear as day that he is lying to you and that something is going on that is not acceptable in a committed loving relationship. You did the right thing. Now focus on you and what you need. He can get stuffed.