Have I overreacted and ended my relationship over nothing or was I right to do so

[Garcialikeskittens]

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years- we don’t live together as he has two school aged children (60% in his care) and I have two adult sons who live at home - he has indicated that he would want us to live together however I have raised my children and I love my sanctuary that my home is.

My ex husband of 25 years cheated on me for context.

He received a birthday card about 6 months ago from someone who wrote ‘to the love of my life’ - the card was on his bedroom and I don’t think I was meant to see it. I admit I was thrown by it, he’d never mentioned this person and was adamant he’d known her years ago, wasn’t in contact and it came out of the blue, wasn’t his fault etc and was only upstairs as that’s where he’d opened the post and he was going to throw it away. I didn’t ask him to, wasn’t shitty about it or anything

Fast forward to now. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks, I was away with work and then he was ill and didn’t want to pass it on. We spoke and FT all the time during this time. On Monday we FT, he had the kids and he said he had to go as needed to finish dinner and then he had to do their homework and sort baths and bed so he’d be busy but we’d speak later. Approx 30 minutes later I decided to pop round as I had something for the girls and we hadn’t seen each other in ages and he was feeling better, he’s always telling me I don’t pop in enough too. So I thought it would be a nice surprise.

I arrived to find an unknown car there, I have a key but for some reason didn’t use it, saw he had company and knocked instead. It took ages for him to open the door, I could hear movement and opening and closing of doors. He eventually opened the door but came straight out and tried to get me to go with him up the road. Honestly this was weird as hell, I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing and tried to get me to go with him, he looked panicked for want of a better word. I refused to go with and said let’s go in the house and he wouldn’t, wouldn’t tell me who was in the house or what was going on. He said that he ‘didn’t want me to get the wrong idea’ I pointed out that his behaviour, refusal to tell me anything and not letting me in were giving me the wrong idea regardless. I said that he could tell me what was going on or we were done, he just kept refusing, so eventually I said to him ‘we’re done’ and got on my car and he threw his hands up and went into the house.

Subsequent texts (I initiated) saw the same thing he has refused to tell me, said he’s ’not doing this tonight’ and that he’s not cheating and would ‘own it’ if he had etc, but still not explained jack shit.

I have since spoken to his family member who also popped round to his unexpectedly Monday, she has explained it was this same woman who sent the birthday card, he said to his family member that he ‘thinks he’s made a terrible mistake’ and explained to her that he acted the way he did as he didn’t want me to think he was cheating because of what happened with my ex. Wtaf. How he thinks I’m going to think anything else is beyond me.

According to his family member this woman is the guardian of his daughters friend and my partner used to take the kids out together - so she’s clearly not someone he’s not heard of or from for years is she. His ex wife apparently had a confrontation with this woman too years ago when they were married.

I have not heard from him since Monday night now. I’m not going mad am I? I don’t think I overreacted- he’s clearly lied to me about who she is and their relationship for months, and then to not let me in or tell me it was her just adds to it. I also think if he knows that’s how she views him he is potentially leading her on too, so he is being a prick to her too.

How could I ever trust him again? Without trust there’s little point, I think I’d go mad wondering all the time if he was doing what he said he was etc

I just feel devastated and sad and just keep crying if I think about it. I’ve told a few people but I keep hoping he will have some magic solution that will fix it all. That sounds pathetic I know.

I think I need views as to whether I have overreacted or not. Sorry if this is long and rambling

Who takes their post upstairs to open it. She gave that card to him in the bedroom and that's where it stayed.

I do sometimes. People can open mail wherever they like!

No. You didn’t over react. Without trust you don’t have a secure relationship. I don’t think pursuing this relationship will be good for you. (Hugs).

Absolutely did not over-react.

You know, when you can smell burning, when you can hear crackling, when the door feels hot and there is smoke pouring out the windows, YOU CAN BE PRETTY SURE THAT THERE'S A FIRE INSIDE!

It's so blindingly obvious he's cheating that I don't think you even need him to admit it. You know everything there is to know. It could hardly be more obvious if he flung his window open and yelled down the street I'M CHEATING! Love of my life? Strange car in the drive? Panicked movements when you knocked? Trying to usher you up the road instead of inviting you in? Does he think you were born yesterday?

As for this woman also being a problem for his ex-wife, that's just mind-blowing. If they want to be together so much, why don't they just do that.

You sound incompatible anyway if he would have pushed to live together and you don't want that. Maybe it's good you haven't wasted any more time.

Really sorry, OP. Hugs xxx

I'm so sorry OP.

I agree with not making any contact with him now. You said to him at the time that things are over, so it's not like it's a case of ghosting or whatever. You have nothing further to say and his behavior was obvious that he was caught out lying.

But I think you need to block him as I'm 99% sure he is going to try and worm his way around this one. He will be coming out with every excuse in the book and if you are having a down day, it might he just too easy to respond. A good case of stonewalling is needed here.

It's good when things are good. But when they aren't so good it's really okay to move on. Things change and you don't have to try salvage something just because it was good once.

Welcome to the single and 50s club OP. I can promise you that your life is going to be so much less stressful now. 🌷

Even if this was innocent ie the woman had popped over for the first time in yonks to chat about the daughter and friend ... why on earth would he not invite you in and introduce you? You are his DP of 4 years. Even if the conversation needed to be confidential ie something you couldnt participate in for some reason. He could still have invited you in, introduced you and said "xx and I need to talk through this topic but we should be done in 20 mins so do you want to make a cuppa and wait?" There is so many things and ways he could have made this normal and not weird, his actions make literally no sense. And if that is his reaction ... then that makes me wonder wtf is going on.

If one of your kids came to you and told you this exact situation with their partner would you tell them they’d ended their relationship over nothing or would you praise them for sticking to their guns and not letting themselves be taken for a mug?

You’ve been with him 4 years, not 4 weeks. A random woman ‘friend’ he’d never mentioned before in all that time is alarm bells in itself, but expecting you to believe a mum of his kids friend sending him “to the love of my life” birthday cards, visiting him at home and not introducing you when you turn up is innocent is taking the biscuit.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

You definitely haven’t made a mistake. He tried to blame you? The audacity of the man! Imbecile

We all feel like a fool in this situation but we're not unless it's foolish to be a trusting and respectful partner xxx

If it was all above board he’d have invited you in and introduced you. That’s what normal people in normal situations do. A simple, ‘Come in. Come and meet Jane - Tilly’s friend’s mum. I was just about to put the kettle on’, would be the reasonable and obvious way to handle it.

You absolutely did not overreact and you’ve done the right thing, trusting your instincts despite him trying to gaslight you, what a cockwomble.
Let yourself have a little mope for a week or two, congratulate yourself on being a strong woman who doesn’t take any shit, and then forget all about him. Tosser.

Morning,

Thank you all again 🥰🥰

I definitely won’t be taking him back, I knew I hadn’t overreacted really but sometimes the self doubt creeps in….

Someone posted about him having 60% contact, he’s a good dad in fairness and I wouldn’t have been with him if he wasn’t.

They were also there Monday so I doubt they were actually up to anything at that point but that’s all I can say about it. He’s definitely been lying to me and I don’t think for one minute it was to protect me, it was to protect himself. Cockwomble indeed.

I am strong, I conducted myself with dignity this time and last time with my ex - that won’t change either, I don’t do drama and I won’t be meeting with him either on reflection, it won’t change anything and he won’t see me cry over him either. I would 100% cry if faced with him right now 😂

Someone else said we didn’t sound compatible as we wanted different things, I think you’re right, and there were compromises I made that I probably shouldn’t have either, I’m going to hang on to those! We were very, very different as people too, but that’s was a good thing for me. I don’t regret the time we had - he was great in so many ways and I am going to remember the positives so that it doesn’t just feel like a waste of my time.

I’m petty enough to hope when he looks backs and remembers our relationship he remembers me as the best relationship he ever had, I’ll be the one that got away x

If he wasn't f@#king her, there would be no reason not to introduce you

This.
Sounds like he panicked, but was not at all a reasonable way to behave /getting you away up the road!
So b sorry you are going through this -pulley there isn’t actual chratimh here, but he is a weak and pathetic specimen and you deserve better. 💐

Hope it's all going ok.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but be prepared for him to come circling back months later if you go NC.

He'll suddenly want to explain things, or express regret, especially if his dating life isn't going anywhere.

Or you might just get a "casual" message at Xmas or on your birthday trying to reel you back in.

May refer to the children or something sentimental.

Be ready to just leave him on read and not reply. That's normally the best option.

Op, this is an exemplary thread that demonstrates that no matter how devastated you are, you need to be strong and not put up with shit.

It hurts but you have such healthy boundaries.

You are a very classy lady. Kudos to you.
Hope doing ok today.

You sound strong and smart and far too good for that loser.
Good luck for a happier future.

First post nails it again! How??????

Quite!

I shall be ignoring it if he does

he will move on quick enough I’m, seems like he already has someone lined up after all 🤷‍♀️

Thank you

I do have healthy boundaries and I won’t be allowing him to trample over them at all

@Happyjoe
@Horses7

thank you both - it’s self respect for me I think, I need to know I’ve handled myself with dignity- he doesn’t get to reduce me to someone I’m not.

His family member said she’d have gone through him and the door, but that’s just not me, plus he’d then get to say I was crazy and unhinged

Another absolute moron of a man who doesn't deserve a gorgeous, intelligent, fabulous woman. Well done for staying strong ❤️

Well done for being so strong @Garcialikeskittens . I know inside you're feeling less so.

I wouldn't be surprised if he lied about how much time he has dcs. It's a good cover. Unless you saw them 60% too?