Daughter causes issues. I feel bullied.

[Tooldforthisshit]

Daughter (23) refuses to go back to university or get a job and states ill heath is holding her back. I've had enough and she's started to dictate my life. We're moving and she doesn't like the house.
Tonight blew up because the nhs app told her to go to A and E for a review after having a chest infection.
She's gone to the pharmacy with her father. I refused to wait up there. I'm disabled and I m only just returning to health after serious illness. She's supposed to be my carer. I don't even get a cup of tea.
I've had enough. Her brother was a bully and now I feel she's following in his footsteps.
What would you do?

This may be totally off-piste and forgive me if so but is there any possibility that you've inadvertently modelled the "sick role" for her and she's fallen into a sort of learned helplessness as a result?

You’ve fallen out or dislike both your adult children?

Possibly

No. I haven't said that .

Did you say she has a chest review in AE? Is that normal in your area, because here they only have serious/emergency cases in there? I only ask because this might be stressing her out, doesn;t justify being rude but might explain it.

I'm confused because you said she refuses to go back to uni but then said she's going back next month.

i don't understand what you mean when you said she'd tried to veto your choice of home because her room is 20% more expensive?

She obviously can't dictate what you do, who you have over etc. What is her underlying Sen? Autism? Is that why she can be controlling and is maybe struggling with a move?

It's time to go your own ways and hopefully build your lives separately

She's due back at university next month but hasn't confirmed her place.
We are buying a house that costs more because it's in her preferred area/ near her friends.

She has a communication difficulty. She doesn't speak if she goes into crisis. She's been tested for ASD twice

So she’s claiming carer’s allowance for doing nothing?! This is the kind of abuse the benefits system needs to stop. Taxpayers are funding this!!

So you're charging her 20% more lodge? Is that what mean?

but I thought you’d chosen this current house as it’s near her friends?

It’s hard to advise really but I think any would would sympathise with a 23 year old not wanting to be a carer. Can someone else be your carer?

Yes someone else can be my carer. That was due to happen next month.

@AmberPeaches my tax receipts are £2m plus. I doubt if you've put that in. She could claim pip but she doesn't. She has diagnosed SEN. We received no help or financial support throughout her childhood.

I charge her nothing to live with us.

Have you actually read any of the thread??

My tax receipts are ?£2 million! What?

Yeah I call bollocks on that!! No way someone with that earning power is in this predicament dependant on care from a disinterested child.

(and yeah, our household are net tax contributors OP)

What do you mean twenty percent more?

If she’s very unwell with a chest infection, she can’t be expected to fulfil the role of being a carer. If she’s feeling unwell and even if she wasn’t, likely to have a wobble about going back and needs emotional support.

Let her go into her own place, she will have to learn how to manage her money, plus if you are a high income earner wouldn’t it be better to support her final year outside of the family home?

£85 per week is hardly going to bankrupt the country. It would cost lot more to get LA carers in.

Ask her to move? She will grow up.

Most likely she needs to buy a bigger property to accommodate daughter

You buy your house after a fit 23 yo wants? A 23 yo who is paid to be a carer but does nothing?
You really need to step up.

OP can't need that much care if paid daughter doesn't deliver any. It's benefit fraud.

🙄

Most people wouldn’t move somewhere for the convenience of and adult child; she’s got used to having too much say over your living situation.
I would make it clear that you want your niece to return as your carer and that she needs to plan to be independent. If she doesn’t return to university then I’d feed her only and expect her to sign on / look for work.
It is hard to see a way out of problems like these but young people do make changes and can surprise us; I’d encourage her to live with friends if at all possible - your moving for university didn’t support independent living.