Daughter causes issues. I feel bullied.

[Tooldforthisshit]

Daughter (23) refuses to go back to university or get a job and states ill heath is holding her back. I've had enough and she's started to dictate my life. We're moving and she doesn't like the house.
Tonight blew up because the nhs app told her to go to A and E for a review after having a chest infection.
She's gone to the pharmacy with her father. I refused to wait up there. I'm disabled and I m only just returning to health after serious illness. She's supposed to be my carer. I don't even get a cup of tea.
I've had enough. Her brother was a bully and now I feel she's following in his footsteps.
What would you do?

Sorry, op, not enough info to comment. You're probably going to get your arse handed to you without supporting details because of the line about your daughter not fulfilling her caring duties to you.

Why would she be going to uni or getting a job if she’s your carer?

Have you missed out loads of info?

Thank you. She doesn't do anything for me re her carer allowance. She did.

Both your kids bully you?

I'm recovering and I've asked her to make a plan. She took over from my niece last year as she was on mat leave. She is due to go back to university next month.

So you expect her to care for you and work/ go to uni? Maybe she’s had enough of it all?

I don't expect her to do both. It was for a year. I didn't suggest it she did.

The information you have put is that you have recovered, yet are disabled and need a carer, but personally I would not be putting this kind of pressure on my adult children to care for me, or go to uni, that is a personal choice and not something you can dictate. If you are fed up with her living at home, but demand care duties at the same time, its going to be frustrating for your daughter.

Your worth is not measured in degrees. But you cannot ask her to go to uni, look after you and then get pissed off if she gets ill herself, its a lot to ask of someone.

@somanychristmaslights she doesn't claim any benefits even though she is SEN. We are in our sixties and pay for everything.
I don't want her dictating to me where we live, what we eat, who comes to the house. I've had enough!

@TheAvidWriter I have my original carer available from next month. She is supposed to be going back to university.

OP you are right, she should not be dictating to you what you do in your home. And move, she will come round.
Sounds like things have gone a bit out of control with regards to who does what and when so rather than tell her what is happening, go and do it, you do not need permission from your adult children on what you do re move, money, or all else.

it will always cause friction if there are mixed messages being sent, and I think its quite ok to go and do what you want, eat what you want and when. And if she is suggesting she can take care of you then its your responsibility to say no as its clearly causing friction. Take accountability for what you are putting into this friction, and you do not need permission from her what you do with your assets or where you want to live. She is an adult and would hate if you were dictating to her where she should put up a home.

Can you manage for the next month when your regular carer returns, or arrange a temporary replacement? Does your daughter's father live with you? Does he see that daughter's behaviour is causing issues, and back you up when you refuse her unreasonable demands? If so, then the two of you need to agree on what to do about daughter when you move; if the bottom line is that she either goes to uni or gets a job, enforce that. The move should actually help: she can't move with you unless you facilitate her doing so. Also, if daughter is making no contribution and is fully supported by you and her dad, stop letting her dictate anything. Let her voice her opinion, but it never just overrides yours.

OK

Well then move to the place that suits you. Tell her to stay in her uni town if she doesn’t like it.

She's final year and commutes.

Why did it blow up after she went to the pharmacy and not A&E? If she has a chest infection then I’m not surprised she can’t help you out? Also you are yourself disabled but are quite judgemental in the way you say she’s not getting a job because of ill health. Something about this family dynamic isn’t right.

She's supposed to be my carer.

Wow I can hardly see why she seems to have built up resentment against you and doesn't want to get a job or go to uni when you've clearly made her your retirement plan

We are in our sixties and pay for everything.
I don't want her dictating to me where we live, what we eat, who comes to the house. I've had enough!

Who is we?

If you’ve got a DH, how come he’s not your carer?

Remove her from being your carer, she is not caring for you.
Get an actual carer.

Why are you letting her dictate where you live, what you eat and who comes to the house - it’s your house, she doesn’t get a say.
If she’s not happy, then she can leave.

Really? She's is absolutely not my retirement plan. How the hell did you reach that conclusion?
I have my retirement plan thank you and I would never ask my children to care for me. She suggested it as she wanted a gap year from University.

I would tell her that if she doesn't like the house move, the food you buy or who you have visit, she can feel free to go and live somewhere else. Otherwise she can shut her trap! Don't allow yourself to be bullied. She's an adult - you don't have to house her.

it sounds as though you’ve all had a difficult time.

Do you have any support outside of the family? It might be worth talking it through with someone who knows and understands your situation but who also is familiar with the family dynamic.

RTFT. The daughter is claiming carer's allowance anyway.

@Gazelda I do have a few close friends but we moved four years ago to be near her university and friends. I've always put my DC first or very much part of the decision making. Everyone used to rely on me until I was seriously ill. I paid for everything and various family members have lived with us. They've now passed away and I want to downsize and I don't think it's healthy she sits in her room nearly 24/7. She can't even walk her dog. We're buying somewhere commutable to her university now it looks like she's not going back. I might have made a different decision if she had been transparent about her plans. She has some health issues but expects me to solve everything. I'm very tired and just want to retire and be greatful I didn't die!
I would ask her to leave but she is very immature regarding money.

Tell her to leave your house and find her own accommodation. If you don't do this she will make your old age a complete misery. Time to think of yourself and your own well being.

I think people are misreading your meaning here plus a bit of the usual contrary and belligerent responses beloved of many MN keyboard warriors.
From what I read your daughter thought claiming carer’s allowance would give her gap year income but doesn’t want to fulfil the responsibilities that go with the money?
Plus she is trying to dictate and bully you whilst you are vulnerable being ill and disabled?
Is that correct?
Too many disabled people find themselves bullied and controlled by “carers” who are often family members or so called friends.
If you can’t manage the situation on your own you could contact adult social services and ask for safe guarding support.
You should not be bullied in your own home.

Spot on. My niece was my carer for a few years. She went on maternity leave and my daughter stepped in as she was taking a year out for university. She now doesn't help beyond a cup of tea. Last one on Sunday.
She dictates who is coming to the house and has tried to veto our choice of retirement property. As it is it's costing us twenty percent more for her bedroom.
She's had a few gyne health problems but doesn't follow up at the doctor or question next steps. She chose to be difficult in her teenage years and had four secondary schools. She was very influenced by internet friends. I thought she was getting her life back on track but now she's just living on my dollar and seems selfish and bullying.