Partner will not help financially despite savings and years living together

[Sarah1106]

I just wanted some advice really. I will tell you about my circumstances, I am 51 and engaged to a 57 yr old man. We have lived together for the last 14 years and been engaged for 13 years. I feel things are not right and wanted others to say what they think as I’m going through a tough time. I was working from home but then my work dried up and I have been home for a while now. My partner just left his job in June, he had enough of it. Although he has cashed in some of his private pensions and has a considerable amount in his bank account, I am left with nothing. I can’t claim any benefits whilst I look for work because he has savings that are over the threshold and the government view his money as mine too. He won’t help me. Even when he was working his money was private. I am penniless and I have a child to support (not his biological child) but has been present in his life since he was a baby. I do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, looking after pets, child etc etc. He is searching every day for jobs but I have no help with anything although he does put he bin bags out every week. I have bills to pay but nothing to pay them with. Is it fair that I should be worrying myself every second of the day like this whilst he sits there with thousands in his bank account and lives his life stress free. My mother was also recently diagnosed with dementia and this is a big worry for me too.

I feel all the comments to call women’s aid and move into a refuge are quite extreme. I don’t think anyone who has actually had to do that would suggest that so casually.

surely you’ve talked to him about your situation? What does he say about it?

also why have you not gotten married in all that time? Is that something you would still want? You could call him out on that too.

sounds like you’ve been with him since your 30s which is a really long time.

you know there are new cohabitation rules coming in soon apparently? But in any case he’s obviously quite selfish and uncaring, but in my experience men are not perfect- and they’re used to being nagged!

could you just bang on and on about it, and stand up for your needs and what you expect from him.

he won’t like to hear any of it, and will probably push back strongly, but don’t give way. Just be clear what you expect from him- and what is 14 years partnership all about- plus you are engaged!

he needs to man up and realise he’s got some obligation to live like a partner.

But please put yourself first and try to find some income too.

im in the same boat. Mean unsupportive partner. We don’t live together which saves those fights at least. But lost my job. I’m considering loads of random things if I don’t find a stable well paid professional job, like the gig economy- being a deliveroo or evri driver. Or totally randomly retraining as a childminder.

He sounds awful but doesn’t sound like he’s going to change.

You talk about him looking for work but are you? I would be looking for full time work and somewhere else to live; this isn’t the partner for you.

I’d ask the a serious sit down discussion and if this doesn’t work then I’m afraid I’d have to leave him.

If the rent isn't paid the LL will evuct you both. It's in his own interest to continue to pay all of the rent. You must be eating food. Where do you get money for food?

The reasons behind it are all irrelevant, the bottom line is that no decent man who loves his partner would sit back and watch her and her son struggle financially when they have the means to help. Yes help and support her to try and find a job if that’s what she wants but don’t sit there in the meantime and watch her suffer. He’s not financially abusive, he’s a c**t. I’d make him do his own washing, ironing and i’d make him cook his own dinner as well.

I’ve tried talking to him and he just gets defensive and calls me names and swears at me and says I’m a sponge. He has never got married to me because he says it costs too much. I am looking for work. I hope you find something soon.

He’s not a nice man Sarah, i don’t know you but you can definitely do better and you deserve better, you only get one chance at life, make it a happy one. Big hugs 🤗

He is not a partner and it sounds like you need to separate. You can claim benefits as a single person even if you live in the same house provided you can prove you are separated. The next thing will then be to ask him to leave or for you to find somewhere else to live with your son.

I'm sorry OP you have to leave him. You have a child to think about. Do you get CM?

I think you need to put a claim in for UC anyway and get some help as you're in a financially abusive relationship. You need a plan to get out of there.

Why are you still with him?

So he’s not obliged to give you money as you’re not married so you do need to do any job in the short term to get money. Morally, as a good partner he’d at least loan you some but that’s not the case. The belittling and name calling and general nastiness is abusive and you need to leave on that basis alone, he’s not got any intention of marrying you and your life with him will be miserable if you stay. You deserve a lot better.

For context, my ex husband is the worst person I know, and still he would never have left me in the position you’re in.

I’ve tried talking to him and he just gets defensive and calls me names and swears at me and says I’m a sponge. He has never got married to me because he says it costs too much.

Even once you regain an income this is not a healthy relationship and he is not a decent man.

The problem is that without an income and deposit you will find it hard to find a new rental.

Get on the council list for Social Housing, you might be lucky and live somewhere where lists are not ridiculous.

Would he move out? And leave you in the house? Then you could claim UC and housing benefit until you find work?

Tell him that you agree you are a sponge so it’s best he leaves you and finds somewhere where he can be independent? With savjngs he has an available deposit…. Tell him this will be financially beneficial for him.

Not RTFT, have you anyone you can stay with?
Walk away from this abuser.

What do you think that he brings to the relationship?
What do you feel is beneficial for you from the relationship?

OP as you say because you live together, DWP treat you as a couple and expect him to support you. As he will not, you cannot afford to be in a relationship with him at this time. You need to separate, even if living in the same house, and tell DWP you are now single and apply for benefits. You must therefore not take any actions a couple would. Don’t shop for him, cook for him, wash for him etc etc. He must be a stranger you share a house with. Up to you if you give notice on your property or not, forcing one or other of you to move out. It is worthwhile doing a benefit check at turn to us to see what help you would get if living in the house with him (you would only get max 50% of your rent) or taking on the property yourself if he were to move out.

You need to say that you are supposed to be in a partnership and all income and savings should be accessible by both, including bills. If he can't commit to that then he needs to move out. And follow through. Once he's gone you can claim benefits until you find another job