Partner will not help financially despite savings and years living together

[Sarah1106]

I just wanted some advice really. I will tell you about my circumstances, I am 51 and engaged to a 57 yr old man. We have lived together for the last 14 years and been engaged for 13 years. I feel things are not right and wanted others to say what they think as I’m going through a tough time. I was working from home but then my work dried up and I have been home for a while now. My partner just left his job in June, he had enough of it. Although he has cashed in some of his private pensions and has a considerable amount in his bank account, I am left with nothing. I can’t claim any benefits whilst I look for work because he has savings that are over the threshold and the government view his money as mine too. He won’t help me. Even when he was working his money was private. I am penniless and I have a child to support (not his biological child) but has been present in his life since he was a baby. I do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, looking after pets, child etc etc. He is searching every day for jobs but I have no help with anything although he does put he bin bags out every week. I have bills to pay but nothing to pay them with. Is it fair that I should be worrying myself every second of the day like this whilst he sits there with thousands in his bank account and lives his life stress free. My mother was also recently diagnosed with dementia and this is a big worry for me too.

In what way is he a partner/has he been a partner in the last decade? Not in parenting or the household, emotionally or financially? So effectively he’s just a man who’s cooking and cleaning you do?
sell the house / end the lease and move out so you can claim benefits. Stop doing the housework in the meantime so you’ve time to look for a job.

This is not how the state sees it as they are a cohabiting couple therefore the OP can't access benefits.

This is exactly how the state sees it - unmarried couples have no legal right to each other's money. Why it's taken into account when applying for benefits is another matter.

@Sarah1106
I'm confused by the situation. You say that he has quit work and has cashed in private pensions, but he's also looking for jobs every day. Did he cash in the pensions as a desperate measure. Has he lost a lot of money for cashing them in too early / before the official retirement age? Does he still have any pensions for retirement? Why is he looking for jobs every day?

What's your plan with regards to work? Have you been actively seeking work or were you hoping that he'd share his pensions with you so that you could also retire instead?

He didn’t want to work at the place he was at doing night shift so left. He thought he would get another job quickly but that didn’t happen. Went to lots of interviews with no luck but is still searching. He has many pensions. I am now looking for work and won’t be retiring for another 15 or more years.

How long have you not been working? How did you support yourself during this period up until now?

Is the house owned or rented and in whose names?

Have you been paying rent or mortgage?

If you have no rights to your home and no money, you need to get a job immediately.

Also want to add that I have always had my own income so have never really been in this position to have to ask for money. I have brought up my child who is now 14 on my own with my own income, no help from anyone else. Also people are asking what my house situation is. We rent and both names on tenancy. Do not own anything else together.

We rent, both names on tenancy

A horrible situation to be in OP.

Unfortunately his insistence on separate finances over 13 years have left you in a very insecure position.

It’s a defensible position for couple to stay financially independent from each other, but he does seem very selfish in packing in his job without some sort of teamwork conversation about how the two of you would manage without income.

How does he think you and your child can survive?

And very selfish to not take any domestic responsibility.

Were your own earnings not enough to save, or have you been paying an unfair share of the bills? How do you manage joint household overheads like utility bills and food shopping?

I think you have to tell him you cannot survive like this, and will need to leave in order to claim benefits.

Or tell him you will be fine: you are starting an OnlyFans channel. See how he likes that. Maybe not.

You are not ‘engaged’ you are in a long term cohabiting relationship.

I’m sorry about your Mum, that’s very tough.

Is her house big enough for you and your Dc to move into? As a way to leave your DP? You could then possibly claim carers allowance.

I’m not able to pay them at the moment until I find work.

Immediately stop doing all housework.

Let the old food rot on the dishes left piled in the sink. Don’t do it. Look for a job. Leave everything else.

Then, leave him.

What sort of bills are you not paying?

It sounds as if it may be a good idea to get a job? If I were him I wouldn’t marry you knowing you’d then be entitled to half of my savings / pensions and didn’t have any of your own.
I’m not sure why leaving your partner is a better option than getting a job?

Flip this and you are a man and everyone would call you a sponger. While I’m sure there is additional context I don’t think it’s fair to say that his behaviour is financially abusive. His pensions are for his retirement, not supporting his partner with everyday living in her early 50s.

How come you are doing all the housework except the bins (5-10 minute job) ?
how do household bills work? Do you normally each have your own eg he pays gas, you pay water?
What does he want you to do if you can't claim benefits because of him but also can't afford your bills?

OP, make an appointment with Citizen's Advice and get some help and support. If you tell them you are separated from this man and no longer in a relationship but that you have to stay living in your property, you may be able to claim some benefits while you look for work. You will need to tell him the relationship is over and move into a separate bedroom/sleep on the sofa while you sort things out.

I expect he’d like her to get a job and pay her fair share of the bills.

You can claim UC while living together if the relationship has broken down.

Do this as soon as you can, you can prove he isn't contributing by showing your bank statements.

You will have to contact your housing association to remove his name from the tenancy, this could be difficult without his agreement. You are jointly and severally liable for rent so you will have to discuss how they will remove him for non payment as again you can prove to them rent is coming from your sole account.

Good luck, I can't fathom how someone can be so cruel to their partner and a child living with them and I hope you are rid of him as soon as possible.

How long have you been out of work? It sounds like a significant amount of time if you can't claim contribution-based benefits. And the fact you say your partner 'just' left his job in June indicating that you've been unemployed for much longer than that. Are you actively looking for all manner of work? How are you paying for the basics now? If you've got no money then what are you doing? Food banks?

You need to find a way to leave

this isn’t not a normal
relationship

Are any of the utilities bills in joint names?

She is looking for another job?

How are you paying for food and fuel without any money? And internet, rent and council tax and utilities?

She cant claim because of his savings.

Contribution-based benefits aren't affected by savings.

Who is paying rent and all other bills then ?