Partner will not help financially despite savings and years living together

[Sarah1106]

I just wanted some advice really. I will tell you about my circumstances, I am 51 and engaged to a 57 yr old man. We have lived together for the last 14 years and been engaged for 13 years. I feel things are not right and wanted others to say what they think as I’m going through a tough time. I was working from home but then my work dried up and I have been home for a while now. My partner just left his job in June, he had enough of it. Although he has cashed in some of his private pensions and has a considerable amount in his bank account, I am left with nothing. I can’t claim any benefits whilst I look for work because he has savings that are over the threshold and the government view his money as mine too. He won’t help me. Even when he was working his money was private. I am penniless and I have a child to support (not his biological child) but has been present in his life since he was a baby. I do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, looking after pets, child etc etc. He is searching every day for jobs but I have no help with anything although he does put he bin bags out every week. I have bills to pay but nothing to pay them with. Is it fair that I should be worrying myself every second of the day like this whilst he sits there with thousands in his bank account and lives his life stress free. My mother was also recently diagnosed with dementia and this is a big worry for me too.

Do you own or rent your property, and whose name is on the deeds/rental agreement ?

He's financially abusive, call women's aid. You need to leave and claim benefits. It's appalling that he can see you completely penniless while he's got savings.

Have you paid enough NI to be in line for a full pension?

You need to leave and make your own way in life without him. It is a huge stress having a parent with dementia. But there is no point in hoping your partner will help because it doesn't look like he is going to.

Why have you been engaged for so long and not set a date?

If you were married, you would have better security for yourself but as you are not, I don’t think there’s a lot you can do apart from leave him as you’re being financially abused

I think that's a terrible situation and that you should leave him. I cannot believe that a 'partner' would not help when the other one is in need. isn't that the whole point of 'partnership'? How are you paying your bills now?

Have you considered doing your hair nicely and putting on some nice scent and seeing does that help? Maybe cooking his favourite meals?

oh wait…

What the fuck is this prince actually for???????

You have to leave him and then you could get support. He's clearly telling you that you are not his responsibility. I couldn't stand by and allow someone I love to suffer but he is.

Do you own your home or is it rented?

He's an arsehole, but how long have you been 'at home' with work dried up? You'll need to find a job, clearly.

I'd stop doing all the housework and focus on bringing in money and making plans to leave.

You need to start untangling everything - what is the house situation, what do you own together ,

find friend or family to confide in - it’s absurd , it’s abuse

women’s aid is also good shout

Get some money and surprise him with a small, intimate, registry wedding.👰💒🤵‍♂

How old is your child? Is the father still in the picture, can he contribute?
Have a proper talk with you partner and say that you are unable to pay bills and therefore will need to return to full time work. Therefore he needs to start taking over the cleaning, washing and looking after pets.

Is it only you paying bills? This doesn't sound like a relationship

Looks like you've always been aware he's never been willing to co-mingle money. Have you only stayed because you and your child would be homeless without co-habitation with your fiance? Why are you penniless? Has your job always had you living paycheck to paycheck with nothing left over? If so, it probably would've been in your best interest to seek higher education, so that you could afford to live without a partner should the relationship end. You should always set your life up so you don't rely on another to live independently.

In your shoes, I'd work on that goal after you achieve employment. Once that happens, consider leaving a situation where you've seen you can't count on a partner when you're in a bind. Has he ever given his opinion to you about how he thinks you handle finances and how you run your life? What was the arrangement in who paid for what?

Jesus whst am I reading.
Its either cocklodgers or Ebeneezer scrooges on here.

You can't really do anything but call a women's refuge. You will be provided with temporary accommodation while you wait for something more suitable, and even though it may only be a small amount, you will have something to pay the bills with in the meantime.

There's nothing else you can do, and as painful as it is, you have to accept that he is financially abusive and not a partner.

You can't live on air, and he's essentially forcing you out. If you co-own the property you live in, file a complaint with the police for financial abuse, get a restraining order and force him out of the property. Once he's out, you will have access to government support and he will still be forced to pay the mortgage. The fact that he won't actually be able to live there will force him to sell.

You should be able to claim Jobseeker's Allowance if you've paid Class 1 NI. It's not affected by any savings you or your partner might hold. Neither is it affected by your partner's income.

This

That is financial abuse. And the home should be run by the pair of you. Does not sound like he respects you enough to just watch you struggle like that. Sounds like he has got things made, a woman who does all for him and all he does is take the bins out.

What are your living arrangements like? Are you renting? and if so is that a joint tenancy? Or are you a home owner? Both on the deeds?

You are being financially abused - I know this is hard to hear - but his behaviour is objectively abusive

It would really help if you could answer the question about housing - are you on the mortgage or rental agreement, is it joint?

Also how old is your child, do they live with you? Do they have another parent?

And where is your mum, could you move in with her?

Sorry OP but this man is not your partner, he is a man child looking out for himself. a 13 year engagement means nothing now, it has just strung you along thinking you are in a healthy relationship but in reality has probably acted as a smoke screen for the red flags in your relationship.

The fact the government views his savings as joint and he considers them his just illustrates the disconnect here.

Explain to him that you are penniless and cant claim benefits whilst you live with him because his money is deemed to be yours.
Ask him what he want to do about that.
Explain that you have to think about your child and your own future and will have to leave in order to survive.
As for engaged for 13 yrs! thats not an engagement its future faking.......

It is not financial abuse. Financial abuse is defined as restricting someone's access to money including through coercion or manipulation. The op's "partner" is not restricting her access to money, she simply hasn't got any and has no entitlement to his as they are not married. It may well be morally wrong but it is no abuse.
The bottom line is that you can't claim benefits while you live together. So you have to live separately. As to how feasible it is at the moment would depend on your housing situation and we don't have any details of that so it's hard to advise.