Why some women are attracted to difficult men/players in relationships

[OMGDidYouSayThat]

Just a thread to explore the Psychology behind why women love a bastard...

Is it excitement because of the twists and turns?
Is it because it's a project to fix?
Is it because others are attracted to them?

Interested to hear everyone's views on the subject as i can't work out why someone would go into a relationship with someone they knew was going to be a nightmare to handle...

Can't you see how weird it is to equate being treated badly with excitement and treated well with boring?

Lots of awful men are boring, with few interests and kind reliable men can have really interesting lives.

We unconsciously seek familiarity. If you grew up in a toxic environment, that is familiar. You don't even realise you are doing it, but toxic people indicate in small, almost unseen ways their toxicity, usually whilst at the same time love-bombing. Before you know it you are with an abusive / controlling / manipulative (pick your toxic trait of familiarity) person.

It is a really difficult cycle to break. I'm fairly certain that the only way I can avoid a toxic intimate relationship is not to be in a relationship. 30+ years of evidence and lots of therapy has yet to prove otherwise.

I was answering the question in the OP.

Unsure why you’re taking it so personally.

This might explain the flip flop effect:

I have a good man but that's now a bit boring
I want excitement instead
Excitement wasn't what i thought it was going to be and now i want a decent man again

is that a thing...

I would say it’s a thing with both men and women. Not all obviously before Longleaf loses their mind. But yeah it’s just human nature to want excitement.

I totally disagree with this, and the concept of high value never entered my mind! Sounds like a load waffle, if you don't mind me saying.

I don’t mind you saying.

you’re completely entitled to your opinion.

Parent issues, looking to create something that feels familiar, low self esteem. Depends on the situation really.

I agree, I have repeated this cycle many times…

Really a lot of women feel like these men need looking after. Lots of them have sob stories and poor backgrounds and women like to think they can make them better by loving them harder.

It can become a pattern however but I think more often than not men don't talk about their emotions, so as soon as one does women are conditioned to think they can't be all that bad. It can be just as abusive to be in a relationship with a man who sulks and gives the silent treatment to punish the whole family, or one who break things/slams car doors just to show the family fear of violence but never actually hits them.

I definitely agree that it's human nature to want excitement, i love excitement but would i choose it over stability, definitely not...i guess some people are more inclined to chase the excitement than others

Like many people, you seem to be equating shyness or quietness with being a decent human being. Some incredibly cold, manipulative, covertly narcissist or entitled men are quiet types.

And at different stages of life - if you have a kid it is less likely than if you are a teenager, for example. Some people really do just think the more they can fill someone's emotional void, the more support they are giving them. Unfortunately these men need real therapy to work through trauma and someone being what they perceive as "clingy" or less of a "man" in front of their friends is going to be an easy target for someone who knows that their woman won't leave.

I’m not saying I’m perfect we all have our flaws but men do seem to have some bad traits my dad was not good to my mother not physically just treated her like shit I didn’t copy him I went the other way

Also red flag city to self proclaim as a nice guy. One of the nastiest break ups I had was with a guy who stonewalled everyone when he didn't get his own way - it's controlling and abusive. Like a non-communicating toddler in an adult body he bleats on to everyone about why he can never find love (sad face). Women go for men who show feelings in all honesty. If you don't they will go for the guy with issues who does at least explain why he might be a fuck up.

You're a walking red flag I'm afraid. I see a PP got there before me too.

The ones who say they are nice guys never are. They almost always have an odd idea of what it means to treat a woman well, which often includes a bit of love bombing and control, all becuase he loves her so much.

Add to that they feel they can do anything because "if you loved me enough you wouldn't care!". Manipulation central. Sometimes it feels with men you either get a sulker or a stalker.

I’m not saying shy and quiet = mr perfect or mrs perfect either

Agree with this. A man who appears to be self-aware enough to say he’s a fuck up seems better than one who doesn’t realise he’s a fuck up! Better the devil you know and all that

Which is an interesting concept as most women on MN openly state that they don't want to have to mother someone in a relationship. Maybe it's a different kind of mothering or something.

If you unthinkingly equate confidence and excitement with someone being a 'bad guy', I'd suggest you look into therapy.

And yet all you've said about yourself is that you're 'shy and quiet', which you seem to equate with being the opposite of your father. It isn't. As several pps have said, 'shy and quiet' doesn't imply good or bad. It's a frequent incel self-delusion to complain about women liking 'bad boys'.

Familiarity does seem to keep cropping up, highlighting the importance of a stable and loving upbringing on future relationship choices.

I had the worst type of upbringing, abusive family then the care system. I find the men you describe to be absolutely repulsive. Anyone who encroaches my boundaries or fails to show me basic respect is gone in an instant. I didn’t live and learn through my childhood to be a general keeper/dogsbody/bang maid for a misogynistic manchild.

The narrative that a difficult childhood automatically dooms us as woman to bad relationships relies on outdated stereotypes…While trauma absolutely can leave some people vulnerable to familiar unhealthy dynamics, it just as often has the opposite effect, and survival instincts become a great radar for spotting problematic people pretty much instantly before they even get any investment at all.

By the time you become a mum women are wise to the usual scenarios men offer. All through teens through 20s and into my early 30s I was so concerned with how the men in my life were doing, I realised I lost myself, which is very common for women. By MN standards I was a virtual slave, making 3 course packed lunches and dinners, washing and drying on the same night while keeping the house clean enough to eat dinner from the floor and working a job where I was earning nearly double what he was. Needless to say he eventually cheated anyway after 5 years and an engagement. We get much more into tough love after that, and most of us have had a similar scenario.