I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

I completely agree. I also don’t know how he can repair the situation without any proof now that the messages have been deleted.

Well done OP.

I'd just withdraw now. He must realise he's created a situation. Let him untangle it. If he wants to do that by re-finding the messages, or whatever he thinks of, just stand back now and leave this mess to him. Perhaps tell him it's up to him to untangle it. Your are suspicious, with reason. He better sort out how to alleviate that - and if he can't get the messages, he's shot himself in the foot rather.

Have a lovely warm bath and withdraw to a room by yourself.

That's what I was going to say, or on LinkedIn with his company, iam sure her husband will be interested in this latest episode.
Its all the signs if an affair, especially the 'i didn't tell you because of how you'd react '
Absolutely text book cheating.
Don't let him talk you round and smooth it over, he's a liar.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned, a woman's instinct is rarely wrong

But is he asking what he can do to rectify the situation? Or is he just acting like ‘oh well, it’s done now. I can’t prove anything. Let’s just get on with life…..’ is he down playing or minimising?
Does he understand that this is serious?
have you told him he’s sleeping in the spare room or needing to leave the house whilst you consider what you want to do.
What’s he saying about this contact with Joanna or is he basically forcing you to beg for info. His loyalty should be to you. He’s the one who took vows to you not her.

..any work trips away recently op?

But he should be doing the leg work here. Not you. Get him in the other room and retreat until he gives you what you need to make informed decisions.
be strong OP. It’s horrid

According to the link I posted, you can restore the chat?

This is terrible advice. Op can’t just go searching through someone’s (anyone’s) work equipment without their knowledge

They can't be restored, but I deal with compliance on my team. IT can restore the messages to a PDF, so long as they have set the correct retention labels on their Admin compliance settings. For GDPR, guidance, policy, evidential reasons the IT department should be able to pull a PDF copy of all messages if a subject access request is submitted.

It's a lot and it depends if IT will allow the request, if that's something you want him to request he does. However, her messages will still be there. I don't think he can delete hers, not unless he warned and told her to via Teams on his mobile. Ask to see Teams on his mobile and if she's deleted them, then he's asked her to and there's more to this than he's willing to admit. Not that he will admit to having an affair...?

The "looked better in my head" - Ask him what that was about. Ask him what was she looking at. Look at his photos, look at what emails he has sent from his personal email to his work email address, look in his recycle bin on his phone and in his emails. Ask to see deleted work emails. Explain that he has put himself and you in this position and now he will face the consequences. Look at his sent and revieved work emails, too. Deleted Outlook emails, deleted from the deleted folder can be retrieved in Outlook.

@Imdonehere he’s completely unwilling to try to restore the chat, and just says they can’t be retrieved.

he’s doing the whole wow is me routine. Glum face and puppy dog eyes, he’s not trying to make any conversation with me and he’s not coming up with ways to restore my trust or prove his innocence.

he has instagram and facebook but don’t use them, I’ve checked for her on his friends list and she’s not there. He has linked in but I don’t and I don’t know how to look for her without alerting either of them to the fact I’ve checked.

I dont have it but I know a lot of MNers are on Linkdin, if someone is willing you could send them details of his name, company to see what they can find.

He’s definitely up to something shady.
But, the most important is to think about what you want first.

Let his guard down a bit.

take your time to think through.

OP there are 100s and 100s of MNetters who have been through this.
I had only suspicion through his behaviour - never a smoking gun like this. Mine did all the losing weight, new clothes, haircut, teeth whitened, going out with "colleagues" after work, checking out from the marriage.
What is his lifestyle like? does he show any other signs of cheating?
In hindsight, I wish I'd left when this all started - rather than live through months and months of uncertainty. But it's hard to blow up your marriage on a suspicion, esp if you have DC. But I regret spending those months in that terrible limbo of your gut telling you something, while the man you hold dearest is lying to your face.

He will have deleted the evidence now so I don’t see how you can ever trust him again to be honest.

Admitting the messages were “flirty” just proves that he’s at least having an emotional affair.

It might take time to process and feel ready but I just don’t see how you can go back from here. If he was genuinely remorseful and it was just a bit flirty, he would have owned it and shown you and apologised to you. Everything he is doing shows it’s deeper than that and he is only sad because he got caught but he’s not willing to give you the respect of a cards on the table honest admission.

This will likely end your relationship, it’s up to you if it festers on and on before ending it later or it ends soon — the trust is now totally gone.

This is awful @CoffeeRevelsfan . I'd assume he's cheating and behave accordingly. He can't prove he's innocent because that's the choice he made, to hide the evidence. Saving his own neck is more important to him than proving he wasn't cheating. I think you know what this means. I'd probably say to him that it's unfortunately not the first indication of his cheating that you've seen. Then say nothing. He'll be desperate to find out what you know, so he can decide how little he needs to admit to.

☹️ I had a similar thing with an ex. Not on teams as I don’t think it existed then, but texts on his work phone. He was replying to a work text and I looked over, saw messages from Claire. I asked who she was, he jumped up and deleted them all immediately. Turns out he’d met her at a work course he’d been on the week before. They’d gone for dinner and wine afterwards. Relationship was doomed after that.
not saying this is the same thing and you’re doomed - but I couldn’t go back after knowing he’d essentially had a date and god knows what else with another woman.

Say to him seeing as he wont let you see any messages then bluff it and say you will go his work place and find this Joanna. See his reaction, if he says fine he could be bluffing you knowing you won't or do not know how to find her.

This!

Its the sudden closeness to a “male” friend (the OW), the interest in his appearance, the gym/exercise, looking nicer than usual when “meeting mates in the pub”, being different around his phone, the later than usual nights even at home, the little things that seem insignificant in isolation but are the absolute key indicators of an affair

Look at his deleted photos / recycle bin on his phone.

In fact take his phone. Ask him for his pin. Tell him you are going to sit with it for an hour.

Is she in his contacts?

Look at WhatsApp etc. Look at messages to his mates. Look at all messages in case one is Joanna named as someone else.

If he baulks at all then you know you're on to something.

If you delete a message on Teams the other person will see that there's been a message deleted. So he either has deleted them and she now thinks he's a lunatic/knows he's got reason to delete them, OR he hasn't deleted them at all because that would look suspicious to her, OR he's deleted them and told her why, which is the most damning option because it makes them complicit in it together.

What a prick. Like you say, if there wasn't anything in it he wouldn't be panicking so much, would he? I'm sorry :(

He has already lied to you several time. Innocent people dont need to do that or delete their messages. He's either cheating or trying to cheat. Either way, I'd tell him he needs to restore his messages or fess up and tell the whole truth and you will consider working on the marridhe. Otherwise, you'll be making an appointment with a solicitor to divorce him.

Given his reaction and deletions and the trickle truthing, it's likely a physical affair.

Get copies of everything, get a shark lawyer appointment. If he wants to be all woe is me, let him. Don't do anything for him.

If he baulks at all then you know you're on to something.

Most people would baulk if their partner demanded all that and there was nothing going on.

I wouldn't let my husband actually read the messages but a quick glance at a chat would make it obvious whether it was work related or not.
And if it's just idle chit chat then it's hardly sharing state secrets

I think he's as good as admitted an affair by refusing to even try to restore the messages.

It will be so hard for you, OP, if this is the first indication you've had. You will be in shock.

There are loads of women on here, sadly, who have similar experiences but will be good support for you when you need it x.