I think I’ve just caught my husband cheating

[CoffeeRevelsfan]

DH is working from home and I was doing the housework, I walked upstairs as a jet went over the house so it was really loud. We don’t live on a flight path so it was unusual. I went into his office and he literally jumped out of his skin and pressed the X to hide a teams message on screen. I asked about the jet just as another message popped up on teams from a woman called Joanna - he scrabbled to press the X again as fast as possible and was as red as a beetroot. The message said “yeah, it looked better in my head hahaha”.

His whole demeanour had changed and looked hugely guilty and caught out. I asked who he was messaging to which he said no one, i again asked who it was and he said a man from work - i told him i saw it was from a woman called Joanna. I asked why he was acting like this and looking so guilty and lying - he said it’s because he knew how I’d react. I am well aware he works in a mixed team and have never taken any issue to him having work conversations with other women so this is completely gas lighting on his part. I told him this was bull shit and to bring up the messages, he refused. I asked again and he locked his screen then picked up his mobile - he has teams on his phone so I am assuming he was deleting the messages. I asked if that’s what he was doing and he dug his heels in and shouted that there is nothing going on. I told him to prove it by showing the messages, he repeatedly refused and told me no as he didn’t feel he should have to prove himself, and then wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

if that was me and the conversation was innocent, I’d have brought up the messages and demanded an apology. Everything about him screamed red flag during that situation.

ive left the house and am currently in my car in a park, shaking and feeling sick. There surely can’t be any other explanation for his reaction and refusal to prove himself innocent?

we’ve never been in a situation like this, I’ve not had any cause to doubt him in the past. Been together for 15years.

You need to tell him to leave. This gives you time to think and work out how you feel. It will also put the sh*ts up him. If you just back down now, you’ll go crazy wondering what’s going on and he learns he gets away with it. Say you have known him a long time, and that you know when he’s lying. When he’s ready to tell you the truth you will talk about it, until then he isn’t welcome at home.

You don't even need spidey senses for this. My partner works for a competitor, yet I have never seem him scramble to close anything.

They definitely can. Someone who had a grievance at my work had all messages pulled up from months back. But this would obviously involve DH’s IT Team…

“I’m punting him out on his arse either way Joanna as he’s clearly up to something but woman to woman if you have any details I should know, I’d appreciate it”

The anger is a classic sign of being caught. They explode at your because they're angry with themselves for being caught and they project it all out like a horrible rage vomit at you. Then they delete the messages out of guilt because they think that if they just destroy the evidence it means nothing and they can pretend it never happened.

it's a horrible thing to happen OP. I stayed. But looking back, I should have left. I found something more explicit which made me realise he was certainly thinking about it, even if he wasn't doing it. And that made me never want to touch him again. Took my 14y to divorce him. Don't wait as long as I did. He's cruising around for kicks of some sort. You don't know what they are, but the fact he's enjoying it and went mad and deleted stuff shows he was caught red handed.

Yes he’s retreating into his ‘you’re controlling and making an unnecessarily big deal out of nothing, do you not trust me?’ Gaslighting stance.

asshole.

I would no way let this go.

call his bluff and start investigations on the sly.

Sometimes? Don't be ridiculous. What do you think Joanna is going to say??

Hello Wife of Man I'm Seeing
Gosh. You got me!
I'm so sorry for being the OW. Consider me told.
I will keep my distance and move jobs if you like?

Best wishes
OW

If anyone is going to message Joanna, it needs to H with OP standing next to him. And OP should be dictating the message. I've suggested upthread what I'd say....

I agree. I had the whole, 'if you don't trust me, leave'

And looking back, I should have. He destroyed the trust, not me.

Call his bluff and get him to actually leave. He needs to know what he may lose and if he doesn't look sad or unhappy about leaving, well you have your answer.

Bide your time. And when you are ready,, when it's best for you, then leave him. I don't see how your marriage can recover given his lack of any remorse and his turning the blame on to you.
Sorry this has hapoened to you.

I agree with others, it's his reaction that sends out the red flag. How's your marriage otherwise? Has he changed his behavior at all these last few months.
It may have all been innocent but now you have seen the messages it's impossible to unsee them.

Do you know any of his work colleagues, could you do some detective work and ask if anyone knows anything?

I would have a heart to heart with him , after 15yrs I'm sure you will know if he's telling the truth. If you're still not happy then I would let him know that I will be contacting Joanna.

Good luck.

I think you need to be a bit more than angry. & fizzing or just yelling in your head. You both need to talk you need the truth tho its more than obvious. What fid he say when you said youd contact Joanne at his work ? He is making a complete fool of you & your just “fizzing”. He is doing this & treating you this way because he knows he can and you won’t do anything about it. You need to get on top of this situation.

Op go with your gut has anything changed with him lately clothes, aftershave gym nights out. Like you said his guilty behaviour makes him look like a cheat the fact he deleted the evidence says it all. If it was me I would have preferred to see how bad the flirting was but him reacting like that and deleting his messages says there not really innocent otherwise he could have showed you said it’s banter or whatever but he didn’t want to. He made a choice and it wasn’t to reassure you. .

There is a lot of banter in offices that can be very flirty and wouldn't occur if spouses / partners were there, but doesn't translate into actual infidelity in the slightest. People are bored.
That is a possibility. Husband may struggle to explain - rabbit in headlights-:but not have contemplated having an affair. Just saying.
Other thought- are we sure Joanna is a work mate?

Give it a freaking rest, it's obvious it's his reaction and strange behaviour that's the issue, she didn't just go in to start quizzing him about his work and Teams.

If your husband or wife goes into the room where you work, do you scramble around closing chats and emails frantically while looking guilty and sheepy and then lying that you were just chatting to a man when it was a woman???

Controlling my ass, there's absolutely nothing controlling from the story she shared jeez.

No but she could say something like

• “he told me you two were over, I didn’t know he was still married”.
• ”Oh he was being a bit flirty yes, nothing going on but to be fair I wouldn’t like it if I was you”.

Neither are job risky.

I wouldn't advise approaching Joanna. I just wouldn't - no good can come of it. You don't know whether she's in a full blown affair with him (so will lie) or just at the flirty messages/about to embark on affair stage. He also has had time to prep her.

If someone does something that reasonably damages trust, but then says, "I'm not showing you anything, I'm not discussing it further, and if you don't trust me you can leave," the person who was hurt is effectively being handed the entire burden of repairing the relationship.
The dynamic becomes:
Their behaviour → your doubt → your anxiety → your need to forgive → your responsibility to trust again.
Meanwhile, they don't necessarily have to do anything to make that trust possible.
And there's an important distinction between trusting someone and choosing to believe their assertion.
Trust isn't something you can simply command yourself to have:
"I say nothing happened, therefore you need to trust me."
That's not really how trust works. Trust is built from consistent behaviour, honesty, openness, accountability and time.
If the person who caused the uncertainty says, essentially, "I'm not going to give you anything that helps resolve it," then they're asking the other person to do something psychologically very difficult: to override their own perception and uncertainty without receiving new information.
And that can create a horrible situation where the injured person thinks:
"Maybe I need to stop being suspicious. Maybe I need to forgive. Maybe I'm ruining the relationship by not trusting him. Maybe I need to accept that I'll never know."
So they end up doing all the emotional labour.
Meanwhile, the other person can remain in the position of:
"I've told you my answer. The rest is your problem."
And that's where the ultimatum becomes significant.

This can leave the person who found the evidence with a particularly impossible task: they're expected to forgive something they haven't been able to fully understand, and trust someone who isn't willing to participate in restoring that trust.

You don't have to prove that he cheated in order to decide that what happened has made the relationship impossible for you to trust.
And you don't have to force yourself to "get over it" simply because he has declared the matter closed.

OP, learn from my mistakes, and many other self-confessed women on here's mistakes - please keep your dignity. Don't beg, don't shout.
If you want a good read, and a woman's dignified response to her husband's affair & public humiliation, read Regatta by Libby Purves. I only wish I'd remembered it when I was going through this. It's a good read too.
And I would be convinced it's more than just banter or flirting- his reaction told all.

Op I hope you manage to sleep tonight. I suspect it will be a night of tossing and turning. Please make sure he sleeps elsewhere. Sofa, spare room, so you have your space.
he is playing the wounded man, the wronged man.he may change his stance in the morning once he realises that you’re serious and he can’t brush this under the carpet. I think he is relying on you backing down be very clear with what you want to happen. If it’s space, ask him to leave for you to consider your next step or for him to live all his things into another bedroom.
I hope you have a rl friend to confide in too.

Why are you trying to minimise this?
Married people or those in committed relationships flirting with their colleagues is a betrayal of their wife or partner. But you think being bored justifies that?
Perhaps if they are bored they should put a bit more effort into the job they are being paid to do rather than indulging in inappropriate behaviour with their colleagues.

Puppy dog eyes. Launch him in the nearest fucking bin the fucking twat

She can shout if she likes. He should be drop kicked into the nearest wheelie bin

Yes he's gaslighting you. Terrible look

I'm sorry op. I had this exact scenario some years back with my then H. He deleted tge messages, minimised everything, I tried to make him leave and he woukdnt.

He then gaslit me for months and made me ill - and then left me for her anyway - after he'd moved loads of money and pensions around.

Please don't be me.

And messages can be restored btw.

Two weeks of intense messaging then silence, what did I do wrong?
36 replies
joanna123457 · Today 20:16
Hi all. Just need some unbiased advice! I’m 44 and met this guy who’s 38 a couple of weeks ago online. Initially it was lots of your gorgeous you’re a fitty and I said do you want to chat via WhatsApp. He said yes we swapped numbers then have basically chatted every day since for just over 2 weeks. Day 2 it was oh it would be better if you were here with me, we’d be up to no good etc, to be fair to him every day if he couldn’t text back until later on it he’d always text and say sorry for the delay just finished work etc.
I’ve had lots of “I’ve had such a long day need a bath and a massage from someone…could that someone be you and I can think of someone in particular that I’d like to be here - you. 🤯 so all going well. Now…radio silence. No even reading texts. I got one text yesterday morning and that’s been it.
what did I do wrong?

Is this THE Joanna? Or coincidence?

Its another mn post (I don’t know how to link another thread).