18 months post affair - am I right to still want revenge?

[hellomellow]

Husband cheated on me with a work colleague nearly 2 years aho. He came clean after I found messages on his phone, and admitted everything in detail (they went out a handful of times and kissed).

He ended it with her and left the job. We had marriage counselling and he made a real effort to move on with me. Our relationship improved and has been loving.

But I still want to tell her husband. I still want him to see his wife as she is. I also want the husband to give my husband an earful and make him see the pain it caused.

I've clearly not moved on, despite really bonding with my husband and feeling more love for him than before.

I just feel like I was the only one in pain. Everyone else got away with it. Why do I still feel like this?

Because it's terribly difficult to move on from this and stay in the relationship. Most people decide to end things, some try to reconcile and continue and it doesn't work so they break up later, very few stay and find happiness and security again.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. But I wonder if there's hope for the relationship as you still feel like this after this time and also the counselling. Are you still in therapy? I would also find it incredibly difficult to get over...

I divorced my DH after his affair and it still took me about 5 years to let it completely go. Maybe a bit longer even.

Can you identify why you’re finding it difficult to move on, despite wanting to? Do you believe you have the whole story, or is doubt holding you back?

Don’t get me wrong, I would find it beyond difficult to move on from, and don’t even think I could try, but having made that decision, I think your focus should be on your marriage and not hers. You don’t know for sure she’s not told her husband presumably.

Maybe go back to counselling on your own.

your feelings are normal, the person you loved & trusted betrayed you. Seeing the other women suffer won’t make that feeling go away.

Thanks everyone. Appreciate the feedback.

I’m so sorry this is how you feel whats happened to you is awful - I do think however in order to move on completely you have to ‘forgive and forget’ if you cannot do this I’m afraid that I think your marriage is over. Good luck to you

I'm so sorry your husband is a total shitbag.

Why are you wanting revenge on a woman you don't even know? It's your husband who was unfaithful to you, not her.

Why is all your revenge aimed at her husband (only other presumably innocent party) and her?

If you’re working on your marriage then you’ve forgiven your husband and you must also have forgiven her no? She wasn’t the one who owed you monogamy and commitment and faithfulness, he was.

If you’ve not forgiven anyone then you’re just papering over gaping cracks with sellotape in your marriage and it will all fall apart anyway

I have all the information and the back story. He told me details I didn't want to hear, but he wanted to be truthful. His parents knew about it all and confirmed what he had told me.

Everyone was on my side and family and friends backed our decision.

The counselling was up and down, but it brought a lot out. All the cards were on the table.

For the last 6 months, I've not even thought about it. But just the other night, I started to question whether I was stupid for not getting revenge. I read so many times on here about women making sure everyone knows about the infidelity. I read one just a day or two ago and wondered why I didn't do it too. Well, I actually did want to do it, but my best friend talked me out of it.

Your best friend was right.

To be clear, I'm not targeting just her. I simply want others to know about what happened. She went back to her job like nothing happened. There were no repercussions either for my husband. So I feel I had to work on emotions and my mental health for the best part of a year whilst they went back to their normal lives.

We live in a small village, so feeling the shame for a few months would be a fair punishment, no?

This way madness lies.

I don’t know?
if you didn’t do it already there was likely a good reason you didn’t. Don’t change who you are just because they hurt you.

people DO know , his family knows, your friends know, ok strangers don’t know but what do you want them to know? It sounds like you want her publicly shamed but that won’t bring you relief for long.

it sounds like you have forgiven your husband but not her, and that’s totally understandable.

Is it coming up on an anniversary since it happened? Your body remembers these things.

As someone who also lived in a small village and knew a couple who went through something similar, the husband didn’t end up feeling even a smidge of the comeback for his infidelity as his wife did for staying with him after his cheating. She felt the shame of staying with a liar and a cheat far more and for far longer than he felt any shame over his affair.

I forgave them both. Was a long, hard struggle. But just days ago, I had that Tom and Jerry moment, where one of them feels like an ass?

How did you forgive her though?

You've worked so hard to get your relationship back on track - I can't imagine that the counselling was an easy process - do you really want to jeopardise all you have fought for just to get revenge and cause more upset? You don't know that the OW has walked away scott free - she may have been absolutely devastated, she may have told her husband, she may be in a controlling and abusive relationship which means by telling her husband you could be putting her in real danger. And how do you think your husband would react to you blowing this all up in everyone's faces? What if OWs husband really hurt your husband? Or started a campaign of harassment against you both?

I really think it's a dangerous path to walk. Revenge feels good in the moment but it won't change what's happened and could well jeopardise your future happiness. Think carefully about unforeseen consequences.

Very good points!

Revenge will just make you look bad, and no-one will care, but it will ruin your relationship that you’ve worked hard to get back.

Sorry his parents knew??! Urgh.

You're finding it hard because it IS HARD. You were betrayed by the person you should trust most. That doesn't go away, is he still making amends? I'm so sorry.

I can only assume you have children and are staying for them.

I don't think you will lessen your pain by making someone else suffer.

Your husband sounds like made a genuine effort. Maybe you can talk to him, see if he can tell her husband himself, to apologize.

Well of course. Everyone probably thought she was a complete mug for staying with him, basically giving him permission to do it again since he got away with it the first time (first time he was caught anyway) That's certainly what I'd think.