18 months post affair - am I right to still want revenge?

[hellomellow]

Husband cheated on me with a work colleague nearly 2 years aho. He came clean after I found messages on his phone, and admitted everything in detail (they went out a handful of times and kissed).

He ended it with her and left the job. We had marriage counselling and he made a real effort to move on with me. Our relationship improved and has been loving.

But I still want to tell her husband. I still want him to see his wife as she is. I also want the husband to give my husband an earful and make him see the pain it caused.

I've clearly not moved on, despite really bonding with my husband and feeling more love for him than before.

I just feel like I was the only one in pain. Everyone else got away with it. Why do I still feel like this?

We did move on after the first affair and the following few years were our happiest. Then he had second affair and I left him.
I have made it clear to subsequent realtionships (two, one amicably split and one current) that I won’t accept infidelity /absolute red line for me now.

Why didn’t you confront the OW or tell her husband at the time? There must have been good reasons you decided against? I’d try to remember them now.

It sounds like you are dealing with the anger and pain resurfacing (understandably) when you thought things were better, but the answer to that is to talk to your husband and consider whether a return to counselling (couples or for you) would help you process your feelings and decide what to do with them. Recovery from a betrayal isn’t linear in my experience - much like grief it can be up and down and bite you on the arse when you think you’re over it. Better to deal with that in a way that will genuinely help ease your pain than to start WW3.

Dragging it all out now is only going to cause more ugliness and pain, and it is naive to think that it will just hurt the OW . It will devastate her husband, although you may justify that by saying it’s her fault (which would be true to an extent). But more importantly, it will very likely be detrimental to you, your DH and your marriage. An angry, hurt man may want to confront your husband or wreak revenge on him. How is that not going to impact you?! The OW may also seek revenge on you. I’ve seen this play out with more than one associate over the years and seen some very ugly, damaging behaviour. Who has time for that shit? Protect yourself and your peace.

I honestly think it is far more painful to try to make it work. You know it wasn't just some kisses. Now every text or call every time he walks out tbe door or back in you are eaten alive by thoughts. Do you really want to live this way?

To be honest what will really happen is people will pity you for being the fool keeping him. Please get counseling you truly need it. It's a story as old as time. A coworker of mine who went thru it her husband recently passed. She said to us all how sad she was she'd wasted her life because naturally once he was old and sick he couldn't physically cheat and she nursed him till the end. As she said she threw away the best years of her life. I have been in your shoes as well. Years ago feeling like I won. I won when I decided I was worth more. Stay with him if you want no one can stop you but this will never go away. It will eat you alive. It already is.

I’d want revenge on a woman who had a relationship with my husband while I was still married to him - whether or not it was sexual - it may well have been, or would have been if they’d had the opportunity, or could have progressed to that if it wasn’t discovered.

You can hate what he’s done and still love the person he’s being with you now, OP. It’s a horrible dynamic, as you probably feel he’s got away with it and there may have been more to it that you never found out and probably never will. It’s natural to want to maintain the relationship (for multiple reasons) while still wanting them both to be punished to some degree for what they did.

I’d probably send an anonymous letter to him, if possible. Even if she denies it it will cause her a small amount of discomfort, which is the least she deserves, and perhaps make her husband aware that there may have been something going on, whether or not he chooses to believe it. She shouldn’t walk away from the situation scott free. But that’s me.

His parents KNEW about it?!!

How are they now with you? Do they have trouble looking you in the eye?

Is she from the same village? Have you seen her since? How did he rationalise it to you and did he pretend that he was about to end it before you found out?

I’m not surprised you’re not over it.

I hate this viewpoint.

If someone has an affair with your partner, they are BOTH people who have fucked your marriage over.

Both the woman and OPs husband are shitbags.

All this "they didn't make promises to you" bullshit is all part of the 'be kind' movement and it is bollocks.

This woman also fucked her own husband over and he deserves to know who he's lying next to at night.

But look what you’ve ’won!’ After all, they ‘only kissed!’ 🤔

that line , she owes you nothing is trotted our constantly here. Yes she does , to be a decent human being. She knew he was married with children and had an affair with him anyway. While he is worse she is not blameless and is morally awful.

This is why I wouldn’t be able to take back my dh if he cheated because it wouldn’t matter how much he tried to repair the marriage I would’nt be able to live with the betrayal
Op , you think that you have forgiven your dh but the truth is that you still feel the effects of his betrayal and have directed your anger at the OW rather than the man you married

I think if you feel like this you need to part from your husband.

I would not tell the husband after all this time now.

You say you want her husband to give yours an “earful”. Assumption there is you want him to verbally have a go at your husband. Be very careful, as it may not be an earful your husband gets.

Trust me, it’s a whole can of worms you don’t want to open. Nothing good will come of it.

Do you think maybe your stronger love for your husband since his affair might be 'hysterical bonding'.

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/hysterical-bonding#characteristics

https://www.drpsychmom.com/hysterical-bonding-when-sex-ramps-up-after-a-threat-to-the-marriage/

Whilst i understand the urge. I dont think any good will come of this. Noone will thank you, or see
you as the victim or empathise. You may be seen unfairly as a trouble causer or agressor. You have no idea what their marriage is like or what led to this. She has to live with her self and the fear that you ‘might’ say something. That might actually be the better long term revenge. Affairs are rotten putrid sad dirty things. Noone skips off after them without a backwards glance. It your husband has been honest and it was more of an emotional affair with just a kiss-then this telling her husband might not invoke the response
you want. This might not be classed as infidelity in her marriage-different couples have different boundaries.
It just might not be as satisfying as you think. And if your husband believes she is a good person-you could cause some real damage to the progress you have made.

If they only went out a handful of times presumably the affair was short-lived - how on earth do friends, family, including his parents know all about it?

Maybe her husband already knows - everyone else seems to!

Do it, blow up her world. She contributed to the blow up of yours. Why should she get away with it.

I'm interested in why you think your husband hasn't had any consequences, and you've been the only one to suffer?

Have you felt the need to brush the whole thing under the rug after a few therapy sessions, and move on as quickly as possible, as he was uncomfortable with your and pain?

How much of the repair work has actually been done by him?

Why do you want her husband to give yours an earful?

Hysterical bonding is usually much more short-lived (less than a month) but it can segue into denial.

This. With bells on

Thank you! X

Appreciate the support and also the other comments, too, from others with differing opinions.

Wow, hysterical bonding, that's exactly how I felt! That's exactly what happened to me and I never knew what that was until now!

And someone mentioned the Oprah/Belle interview. Just watched it, and it felt really cathartic.

Just to keep reiterating to others who feel I have let my husband off the hook in favour for punishing the ow. That's not what I'm saying at all. My question was about both of them going back to their lives without shame or punishment. During the time it happened, my husband had confided in his friends and family. He'd told them he'd kissed this woman at his work a few times over a period of years. They told him he needed to make a choice. Either pursue her and leave the marriage or make things work with me. It was already over by the time I discovered the messages, but still. If I hadn't found out, could he have gone back and taken it further? Possibly! His friends told him not to tell me, because it didn't 'get serious' and he wanted to work things out with me anyway. But they did say they were disappointed in him. Gee, thanks!

I never met the ow, but she knew he was married and had kids. She also has kids with her husband.

From what I heard at the time, she only wanted to tell her husband if things were going to get serious. As they didnt, she stayed with him. I have seen him a few times and he is blissfully unaware. Or at least that's how it seems when he sees me.

But I do take on board what others have said. Bringing this all back up could seriously backfire and cause far more damage to everyone.

And to answer some of the other questions - during counselling, my husband told us everything. All the details. It was painful to hesr, but the councillor encouraged us both to see what was lacking, why it happened and where we would go from there. It took a LOT of effort, tears and him at rock bottom before I started to heal.

I don’t think you’re healed. It still festers. Hence your post.

His friends told him not to tell me, because it didn't 'get serious' and he wanted to work things out with me anyway. But they did say they were disappointed in him. Gee, thanks!

I assume the real target of your ire is the "told him not to tell me" although your sarcasm is ostensibly aimed at the "they did say they were disappointed in him". Yet...

Bringing this all back up could seriously backfire and cause far more damage to everyone.

...here you are with a very similar moral calculus.