18 months post affair - am I right to still want revenge?

[hellomellow]

Husband cheated on me with a work colleague nearly 2 years aho. He came clean after I found messages on his phone, and admitted everything in detail (they went out a handful of times and kissed).

He ended it with her and left the job. We had marriage counselling and he made a real effort to move on with me. Our relationship improved and has been loving.

But I still want to tell her husband. I still want him to see his wife as she is. I also want the husband to give my husband an earful and make him see the pain it caused.

I've clearly not moved on, despite really bonding with my husband and feeling more love for him than before.

I just feel like I was the only one in pain. Everyone else got away with it. Why do I still feel like this?

So you want to forgive your husband but get revenge of the other woman? So really your rage is with your husband but you can’t express that rage AND continue to stay ‘loving’ with him because of this annoying thing called cognitive dissonance so you’re going to target and misplace that rage so you can stay with him. That’s seriously not going to work. Keep your anger for him.

Wow everyone's shaming the @hellomellow for staying when the question was a genuine reach for help!

@hellomellow please feel no shame for your decision to work on your marriage, only you know your situation and the reasons for it. And for those adamant they wouldn't stay I would say unless you've been in that situation you don't know what you would do.

@hellomellow I agree with the pp that you have no idea if her partner knows or not or what their situation is, and that revenge might make you feel better but short term only. There's something else under this that needs to be talked about and untravelled and it might be as simple as you don't feel like anyone hurt the way you have. Absolutely valid. But, why spread the pain further? She may have disclosed it but they have dealt with it privately.

Keep your chin up and celebrate the hard work you have put in. I believe karma does the rest x

You need to think carefully about what you want the outcome to be, not just what you want to get off your chest.

What do you hope to achieve, and realistically what will happen if you do this? They break up? Your husband is humiliated by her husband? Raking up everything could wreck your marriage?

Theres a real chance this could be the end of your marriage. Think carefully what you want.

Because cheating isn't something you move on from. You learn to live with it, maybe, if you're lucky.

But as you say, you feel resentful that you're carrying all this pain while everyone else is living their life. That adds to the pain, I can imagine.

But why haven't you told her husband? Why have you decided to shield her from consequences in her own marriage? I don't think I could do that, personally. But I'm a very petty person so maybe I'm not the best person to say something about this :D

Oh, I thought about revenge! Often, particularly since she was supposed to be my “friend”. A double whammy!
In the end I fully realised that their hideous choices were no reflection on me. I don’t need “revenge”, they were both insecure, entitled, selfish people, who have to live with the choices they made, how it affected people they claimed to love and what it says about them as people. They might deny or pretend, but they know and the reflection is frankly very ugly. That was enough, for me.

I haven’t been in this situation but it sounds like You may have forgiven, but not forgotten.

I think it takes a lot longer, if ever, to forget as rebuilding trust is a lot harder. Maybe more counselling would help? I don’t think it’s a quick fix, and your dh has to support you as tbh this is his fault…

oh and just because you chose to stay and fight for your relationship, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind . Good luck op

I agree that you're probably still angry at him and you can't express it because you're meant to be over it. Well, you're not over it and you don't have to be either. Maybe you never will ben but rather are moving on differently. Did your husband ever realise why he did it?

Why would it not be okay for me to be cheated on, but it's okay for her husband?

I'd 100% go scorched earth, but that's just me. I'm sure cheaters would disagree!

You got what you wanted i e your husband back.
so revenge on who? She did not get to keep him so you already "won"....revenge enough if you playing that game.
How do you know the other parties have not also told and made up?
You chose not to punish him by leaving him. You chose to keep your cheater husband.
Fair enough you talked and agreeed. Your choice.

If you want it all out in the open now after you decided to forgive your husband and move on well then do it but dont expect it to make you better after.

There is a school of thought that says you should tell the other betrayed partner because you yourself would want to have been told -- but that doesn't sound like what you're describing here.

I agree with other posters you're displacing anger at your husband's "getting away with it" towards the other woman.

Have you done individual counselling in addition to marriage counselling? Marriage counselling pre-supposes reconciliation, but really, you first need to have worked on yourself to find out what you really want, and your husband needs to have worked on himself to find out really why he cheated.

It's 3 years since I found out about DH affair, so I have been where you are.
Well done on the reconciliation, it is hard work - it does get better.
We are very happy now and it barely crosses my mind now.
I can understand why you would want to cause her pain - your life has been turned upside down, but you are better than that.

I live in a small village, most of whom know of the affair. They do not know how we reconciled, why we did or what I said when I found out. Much as I could hsve screamed at them both in the street, I chose to keep my dignity....it was their humiliation not mine.

Some people, do perhaps think I'm a doormat/foolish for staying. Their thoughts aren't my concern.

Maybe her husband already knows?? My advice would be to keep your own counsel and concentrate on your reconciliation. It sounds like it's going well.

Survivinginfidelity.com is an excellent website, that helped me through many a murderous thought!!

If you choose to reconcile, you also need to choose to leave the affair behind. Clean the slate and start again.

In general the posters at survivinginfidelity.com will recommend telling the other BP, but for different reasons.

It makes no sense at all to reconcile with the cheater, let him back in to your bed, your heart and then explode a bomb in the life of woman HE betrayed you with. It’s lashing out at her and her family for what he did to you.

You only live one life. Dont spend it with someone who doesnt love you.

Because you where the only loser in all this, everyone else got off scott free, i can’t tell you how you should feel but a leopard never changes is spots. I made the mistake of giving a second chance once, guess how that went 🫪

If you want the village gossips to find out they will also know you forgave your cheating husband and laughing behind your back also.

I am 4 and a half years post betrayal and only just getting there with being 'over it' and we are not together anymore.

I wish cheaters could understand the lasting damage this level of betrayal does to people.

I hope you find peace soon!

They are both to blame. Unless you are single, and think the person you're sleeping with is single, you are just as guilty (and in countries where it is still considered a crime, adultery applies to both the husband and the woman he's cheating with).
And why shouldn't you be hurt, OP? While it's not illegal, most people would be more upset by this than someone stealing from them/assaulting them.
People like her at potentially putting a lot of people at risk. Condoms are not 100% effective, and you know about the cheating, OP, so had the chance to get tested, but her husband might not.

It’s the ultimate betrayal, and it deserves the ultimate consequence.

You aren't wrong for feeling angry still. I guess the question is can you forgive this. It sounds like your husband just kissed this girl and no ongoing long term deception. That isn't to say it's at all okay but it's a bit different to a long term affair. These things happen in long marriages and they aren't right but they are very common and lots of people stay. You aren't wrong for staying. I would say for your own peace of mind if you haven't already go through some release practices, write letters burn them if you have to. But long term you can't sit with this anger or it will eat you alive.

You’ll never move on from this. You should have left him. In another ten years the resentment will be so bad you’ll become embittered.

If it will make you feel better then tell him.

Then you need to either leave him or try to move on from it. You might never forget it, but you have to work out how to move on or you need to separate.

Mumsnet may not be the place for you while you are trying to move past this. Try to avoid the relationship threads etc.

people will tell you all day long that they would leave etc, but ultimately you and your husband decided to work it out, and you did counselling, opened up with each other, and you sound like you want to move on.

Personally I would make sure her husband knows, he deserves to know, but I would be letting him know gently, and not being involved in anything else.

This with bells on.

You are the only one who has the pain.

Your h has zero consequences and nor does the ow.

They only kissed. 🙄

I would tell her husband and ditch your h.