Husband says he feels numb and unsure about our marriage

[Autumn101]

Feeling like I’m in a parallel universe and everything has gone wrong and I’m struggling to navigate my life……

Been with DH for 26 years, 2 lovely DC - one at college, one starting university next week. Marriage has been generally happy, we’re always got on really well and managed any bumps. DH isn’t the most comfortable talking emotions but has always made me feel loved and appreciated.

The last 18 months have been stressful - DH got a big promotion, we bought a house that needs lots of work and about 2 weeks in I got really unwell with a thyroid condition. DH had to juggle work and helping more at home. I had surgery last summer but have been plagued by side effects since. Underactive thyroid, random infections, perimenopause all have taken their toll. His dad also had prostate cancer during this time but is thankfully well now following treatment.

I noticed early this year that DH was getting distant, less physical, seemed tired and stressed. We talked a few times about making more effort but it always slipped back. Gradually things have got worse and worse and he’s now said he’s not happy with his life, has no idea what he wants anymore and if he still loves me. He said he feels numb and struggling to find joy in anything.

I’m blindsided to be honest, I knew we were in a tough patch but I never thought he would stop loving me. He says it’s nothing I’ve done or need to change but he just can’t see a way through. I’m as confident as I can be there’s nobody else.

I’ve suggested he talks to a counsellor as I think the stress has caused some of this and he’s totally exhausted and burnt out and can’t feel anything.

But in an already emotional and vulnerable time with our eldest leaving and not being right health wise I just don’t know how to cope with this. I feel so empty and unsure how to hold it all together.

Any advice would be great as my thoughts are all over the place

I'm really sorry he's revealed that gut wrenching news. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a good path forward, now. If he thought marital counseling or personal therapy could help, he wouldn't have said something so harsh to you, knowing how hard that'd be for you to emotionally overcome, even if he should get help for his mental state.

Since he has said there is nothing to fix, and you've given your suggestions, there's nothing more to do than prepare and practice self-love. Begin by removing him as co-user on credit card and bank accounts. Start eliminating excess expenses like restaurant food and cutting cable.

Ask him to move into another room so you won't be sharing a bed. Consult with a legal representative. If you're healthy enough, seek out a new hobby you've always wanted to try to add some joy when you really need it. Use boundaries if what he tries to discuss with you goes against what you're comfortable with.

He might start acting sweet, fearing you'll take more than what he thinks you deserve. Don't let him manipulate you. He says he doesn't love you and there's nothing that will fix that, so you're no longer a team. You can be pleasant to one another in co-parenting, but other than that, begin to mentally distance yourself from him.

You're not a robot and it will take time to get through this difficult stage, so you will be devastated, understandably. But keep the self-talk positive, such as you are strong enough to handle this. Do at least one thing per day to bring joy, such as preparing a favorite meal, meeting a friend for coffee, listening to a good audio book or podcast, etc. Take care.

He could be depressed, could be a midlife crisis.
When a similar situation happened in my marriage it was 2 years of a very difficult time. I mainly stated I loved him, I was committed and I wanted out marriage. He did move out. I put boundaries in place. He came home and we are strong again. But it was a very very hard time. There was never another woman.
I would encourage him to take anti depressants but also protect yourself emotionally and if necessary financially. Lean on friend and family and do things that make you happy.
He will show you who he is and if he wants to be in the marriage. But you can look after yourself too. I reallt hope it has a good outcome. It does sound like depression possibly. And men seem to behave very differently to women when depressed.

Instead of, or as well as, telling him to talk to a counsellor, would you consider going to marriage counselling together? Your problems don't sound insurmountable to me, but you need to communicate well and work together to get through this.

I personally don’t think depressed people want to leave their spouses out of depression alone. Yes I think they go blank, struggle to feel joy and emotion and love. But I don’t think it actively makes them consider leaving them and pulling a nuclear option like that. This comes from both sides of the coin: experiencing depression myself and a depressed spouse.

I noticed early this year that DH was getting distant, less physical, seemed tired and stressed. We talked a few times about making more effort but it always slipped back. Gradually things have got worse and worse and he’s now said he’s not happy with his life, has no idea what he wants anymore and if he still loves me. He said he feels numb and struggling to find joy in anything.
I’m blindsided to be honest, I knew we were in a tough patch but I never thought he would stop loving me. He says it’s nothing I’ve done or need to change but he just can’t see a way through.

I think you’re right OP, classic burnout with depression. Both make a person feel numb because the brain has shut down emotions. He hasn’t stopped loving you, he just can’t feel the feelings. I have been there, when I was in the numb stage I didn’t feel anything not even love for my children. The stage after that was thinking my DH and DC would be better off if I were dead. Don’t let it get that bad, don’t make this about you misunderstanding and being hurt by what he has confessed. Get him urgent mental health support for burnout and depression.

I suspect his head has been turned if this is relatively out of the blue. Maybe not an affair but I find men tend to talk like this when their focus has shifted elsewhere. There really isn’t any coming back from he no longer loves you. I would disengage completely and if he has no interest in trying to fix things then pull right back and start getting practical. If the shock of actually losing you doesn’t jolt him into action nothing will. Being kind and understanding will send him running for the hills .. I’ve seen that play out so many times. Full grey rock would be your best chance imo.. currently he’s not worried about losing you. He feels he has all the power , take some back.

If he thought marital counseling or personal therapy could help, he wouldn't have said something so harsh to you, knowing how hard that'd be for you to emotionally overcome, even if he should get help for his mental state.

Yes well, when you’re the one with burnout and depression you can’t see a way out, you think no amount of therapy or medication will help, that it is all useless, you’re useless, etc. We don’t use analogies like stuck down a well, buried alive, lost at sea lightly.

Sounds like he is depressed op. First port of call would be a Dr and get him some good counselling. After 26 years I wouldn't be giving up on an otherwise good marriage without a fight.

Don't go running after him trying to please him or fix him.
Suggest marriage counselling and him going to GP for depression and see if he does any of that. Usually they don't bother as its easier to just blame you
So decentre him and cente yourself- spend money on yourself, hobbies, going out, exercise. Get financial info collected ready for if he does just decide to drop everything and run away
Be receptive of course to marriage counselling and individual counselling but he needs to manage himself. Often if you get too involved they then resent you even more anyway

What did he suggest to improve the situation?

If you’re depressed and overwhelmed, questioning your choices etc there’s nothing wrong with saying that.

If you’re saying I think we need to work on our marriage, sharing that is also valid.

To say I don’t know if I love you anymore sounds like he’s testing you.

Before just throwing it out there, the adult thing is to think about potential solutions, how you want things to change and reasonable adjustments your partner might agree to make or help with, not just throwing a bomb into the relationship.

Thanks for all the views, it’s helpful to see all sides.

He has contacted a few counsellors so we’ll see. I have also suggested the GP about possible depression. I know he is scared to talk about feelings but he says he wants us to be happy again he just can’t see how to get there or if it’s too late to get back to that

He's describing the symptoms of depression. GP & counselling will likely make a difference. Please don't worry too much just yet, and please ignore anyone who tells you to LTB or 'get your ducks in a row'.

You guys bought a fixer upper house that needs renovation work so a move and renovation.

Big promotion, so different job.

His wife had surgery and hasn't fully recovered and has residual lasting effects.

His dad went through cancer.

These are all big life stressors on their own. All that in 2 years, no wonder he's numb. I think he needs to be seen by a mental health professional for evaluation and therapy and possibly medication. This sounds like severe burnout from stress and possibly depression. I would also ask him to have a full physical to possibly catch any stress related physical issues.

@outerspacepotato put in black and white like that yes it does show how stressful it was. We’ve been through stress before (poorly baby, international moves etc) and have always rallied and got through it by soldiering on and focussing on the practicalities which in hindsight wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with things. I think he feels like he’s been though stress before and was fine so why the change now therefore it must be something else

I would say he’s either depressed or he’s struggling with intimacy issues, or maybe a mixture of both, either that or there’s someone else in the picture and he’s just making his excuses, it’s probably time for that make or break conversation x

I hope everyone else is right, because what caught my attention was this -

emotional and vulnerable time with our eldest leaving

Is this moving out from home or going to university? I think it's a bad time to do this, but this time in people's lives in when many people think it's a good idea to leave their partner or soft-launching the reveal of an affair.

Yes, I wondered if there’s any possibility of him being interested in someone else.

I mean yes it’s possible, he’s adamant there isn’t anyone else. He mostly works from home so I know where he is - no secrecy with phones or iPads, full and equal access to all our accounts etc

University for our eldest who he’s very close to. Still have another DC at home

He's older now. He doesn't have the resilience, physical or emotional, of his younger days. Your kids are starting to leave the home, another big change. He sounds disconnected.

It could be another woman, but he came to you with this and he's looking for counselors. I still would suggest an evaluation with a licensed mental health professional rather than just counseling as well as a GP visit. What if you suggest marital counseling?

He is open to marriage counselling too so I’m taking that as a positive sign.

We used to be so easy with each other, the contrast is quite stark. Both guarded and distant, I do take some responsibility for that too

He sounds depressed. Suggest he does a PHQ9 online, it may give him the kick to realise that his symptoms align with depression. You’ve had a really hard year or two as a couple, add to that your ages/life stage and it’s quite common. Depression is an illness and needs support just like you’ve needed with your health. Am saddened by how everyone jumps straight to affair with zero evidence for that. If it turns out to be an affair with evidence then you’ll at least know you acted with integrity by supporting him. However imagine if he’s badly depressed and you follow some of this advice and essentially isolate him more by assuming it’s an affair?

Well he might be depressed…

But equally he probably wasn’t best pleased when his efficient and hard working DW who probably ran his life for him became ill and malfunctioned. And so he’s had his head turned by a newer working model.

Men… [shakes head]

It's understandable, but he is wrong. This stuff isn't linear. One hard thing isn't isolated from any other, and one hard thing doesn't equate to another hard thing.

I've been in his position, in a very similar way. He's overwhelmed, and he needs help, probably just because he hasn't been in this exact position before.

It sounds like you two have a good thing. The chances are, in a few years you'll look back on this as a blip that you worked through.

I really do appreciate everyone’s thoughts, it’s been good to get my feelings out as I haven’t really spoken to anyone in real life about this