Husband says he feels numb and unsure about our marriage

[Autumn101]

Feeling like I’m in a parallel universe and everything has gone wrong and I’m struggling to navigate my life……

Been with DH for 26 years, 2 lovely DC - one at college, one starting university next week. Marriage has been generally happy, we’re always got on really well and managed any bumps. DH isn’t the most comfortable talking emotions but has always made me feel loved and appreciated.

The last 18 months have been stressful - DH got a big promotion, we bought a house that needs lots of work and about 2 weeks in I got really unwell with a thyroid condition. DH had to juggle work and helping more at home. I had surgery last summer but have been plagued by side effects since. Underactive thyroid, random infections, perimenopause all have taken their toll. His dad also had prostate cancer during this time but is thankfully well now following treatment.

I noticed early this year that DH was getting distant, less physical, seemed tired and stressed. We talked a few times about making more effort but it always slipped back. Gradually things have got worse and worse and he’s now said he’s not happy with his life, has no idea what he wants anymore and if he still loves me. He said he feels numb and struggling to find joy in anything.

I’m blindsided to be honest, I knew we were in a tough patch but I never thought he would stop loving me. He says it’s nothing I’ve done or need to change but he just can’t see a way through. I’m as confident as I can be there’s nobody else.

I’ve suggested he talks to a counsellor as I think the stress has caused some of this and he’s totally exhausted and burnt out and can’t feel anything.

But in an already emotional and vulnerable time with our eldest leaving and not being right health wise I just don’t know how to cope with this. I feel so empty and unsure how to hold it all together.

Any advice would be great as my thoughts are all over the place

He has classic signs of depression and potentially has had it for a long time (look up dysthymia).

He will not be asked to discuss his feelings.

Medical professionals have diagnostic tools that focus on mood, sleep, procrastination, lack of focus, overeating, feeling numb (adehonia) etc. Do not underestimate how HARD and painful it is to ask for help from a GP at the outset. And the illness skews logical thought.

The MIND website might be a good resource for him to read. Maybe there is support via his workplace if they have access to a helpline. A phone call can sometimes be easier?

PS a therapist will spot the symptoms pretty quickly and is a good first step.

@OMGDidYouSayThat
That is a good point on neurodiversity. To add to that, if he is at all neurodiverse it can be harder to find antidepressants that work. So if the GP just prescribes the usual, there is a chance he will feel worse or no different.

I agree, and similarly the stimulant and non-stimulant drugs they offer to treat spectrum disorders can be equally as difficult to navigate as the different side effects can be horrendous.

Interestingly I had a sudden thought on neurodiversity too. Thank you for your thoughts.
I confided in my sister today who is an ex-GP and obviously knows him well and she is also of the opinion depression is a likely part of this

It might be that he's ND. A good many people don't have a diagnosis, but know they're different in the way they process and express emotions and work through the presence of anxiety and depression.

I can't do bereavement. Not the way others do. At least that's how I feel.

When I was in deepest, and felt totally lost, I told my DH. We found it so difficult to navigate through and come out the other side.

The main thing is he's told you. You have to reassure him that you'll work through together. It'll take time, effort and step by step assessment, processing, trying to take steps forward, and constant reassuring (self reassuring). Different things work for different people.

The first step is acknowledgement of how you're feeling and sharing it with a loved one. He's done that big step.

I am in a better space, but it's up and down with what life is throwing me ATM. I am better at identifying when I need to stop everything and look after myself and at asking for help (from the poor long-suffering DH.. TBF he loves me because I am a good person, despite the depression).

Feel free to DM me if you need. Surround yourself with people who can help you through.

Did you need signposting to support groups, etc.?

Sending positive thoughts and hugs xx

Thank you @LHP118 for being open and honest about your situation, it really helps.

We had a very honest conversation and he is wanting to get help both individually and together, he’s terrified by how he’s feeling and feels like he doesn’t know what to do or what he wants on anything. But that he can’t just dismiss a lifetime of us being happy and everything we’ve built.

I am feeling sad, helpless, worried about future etc and all those things but confiding in people has helped to lessen that a bit and realise I need to take this slowly and a day at a time