Husband says he feels numb and unsure about our marriage

[Autumn101]

Feeling like I’m in a parallel universe and everything has gone wrong and I’m struggling to navigate my life……

Been with DH for 26 years, 2 lovely DC - one at college, one starting university next week. Marriage has been generally happy, we’re always got on really well and managed any bumps. DH isn’t the most comfortable talking emotions but has always made me feel loved and appreciated.

The last 18 months have been stressful - DH got a big promotion, we bought a house that needs lots of work and about 2 weeks in I got really unwell with a thyroid condition. DH had to juggle work and helping more at home. I had surgery last summer but have been plagued by side effects since. Underactive thyroid, random infections, perimenopause all have taken their toll. His dad also had prostate cancer during this time but is thankfully well now following treatment.

I noticed early this year that DH was getting distant, less physical, seemed tired and stressed. We talked a few times about making more effort but it always slipped back. Gradually things have got worse and worse and he’s now said he’s not happy with his life, has no idea what he wants anymore and if he still loves me. He said he feels numb and struggling to find joy in anything.

I’m blindsided to be honest, I knew we were in a tough patch but I never thought he would stop loving me. He says it’s nothing I’ve done or need to change but he just can’t see a way through. I’m as confident as I can be there’s nobody else.

I’ve suggested he talks to a counsellor as I think the stress has caused some of this and he’s totally exhausted and burnt out and can’t feel anything.

But in an already emotional and vulnerable time with our eldest leaving and not being right health wise I just don’t know how to cope with this. I feel so empty and unsure how to hold it all together.

Any advice would be great as my thoughts are all over the place

Just posting again to get my spiralling thoughts out.

DH has apparently been struggling with his feelings towards me for a while as he doesn’t think we make each other happy anymore and that to him means he doesn’t love me. What I don’t understand is why every time I’ve tried to address and suggest ways to improve things it’s been him who hasn’t really tried with it so makes me think this is a more permanent state and although he may also be depressed this is real.

I’ve put in steps to start doing more for myself, I’ve spent the last 20 years looking after everyone and probably not always looking after myself.

I’ve got lots of nice things booked in with friends and applied for a new job as I have to find a way to have a better life for myself regardless of how this ends up. I’m put too much of my self worth into his hands and that needs to change.

I still love him, I still support him and really hope we can work this out but I know I have to look after myself first

The more you post, the more it sounds like he's had his head turned. Maybe he's not actively cheating yet but it certainly sounds like he's been giving it serious thought.

Sorry to say OP, but it's classic. He's following The Script to the letter.

I’ve asked and he is still absolutely saying no, I have access to his phone and he works from home so I don’t know when/where it could of happened but I agree it does sound like a possibility

Could you link me to The Script - I don’t normally go on this board as I foolishly felt my relationship was safe

I could’ve written this 2.5 years ago and there was another woman. The day before he told me there was another woman, I would’ve bet my house that there wasn’t.

Someone told me at the time that men don’t just walk away from a marriage into nothing, they’ve always got the next step lined up beforehand.

He's got to want to fix it too. No amount of you trying alone will make things better if he doesn't try too. Has he sought treatment for the depression? Are you seeking treatment for your health too? You need to look after yourself.
Counselling is just prolonging the inevitable sometimes and it's not cheap. You're doing the right thing concentrating on yourself.

Oh and he will never ever admit to another woman, so I wouldn't waste time asking. The end result is the same, if he no longer wants to continue in the marriage.

He has booked to see a therapist for himself and is open to marriage counselling too. He doesn’t think he is depressed but did say he would talk through that as a possibility with his therapist

@Lmnop22 I’m sorry you’ve been through this too, I hope your life is happy now

And yes I am having continued treatment for my health issues which are improving

Id suggest he sees his GP.
He's had an extended period of stress, and if your children are University age he may need bloods.
His testosterone might be low... any number of physical reasons need excluding.

The Script is really just a description of the pattern of behaviours that all cheating spouses display.

It usually starts with blindsiding their partner with a vague announcement that they're unhappy and have been unhappy for ages - which is usually news to the partner, who thought everything was fine.

Then they become distant, physically and emotionally, and start saying a version of 'I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you'.

Then they might get a bit nasty and start re-writing history in order to make you the bad guy so that they can feel justified in betraying the relationship. They'll bring up old hurts from ages ago that you thought were resolved, or blame you unfairly for something they've fabricated out of an approximation of the truth. "You weren't there for me when my dad was having treatment", or similar. Everything will be your fault somehow. He will position himself as a blameless victim.

Once they've lit the fuse for the bomb, they may become even more detached and secretive with their phone, where they're going when they go out, etc. This may be alternated with very emotional displays of sadness and expressions of helplessness, designed to provoke your empathy. This is partly them feeling guilty about their betraying you, but also on some level partly grief for your relationship, which they know has ended but you don't know it yet. This phase is an absolute utter mindfuck and you won't know which way is up.

The two main red flags in what he's saying are that he's not happy but can't be more specific about why. On its own, this might point to depression, but coupled with the old 'I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you' - you're being put on notice that his affections are now elsewhere I'm afraid.

As always, I'd love to be wrong. But unfortunately after about 20 years on MN, I've never seen a thread like this turn out NOT to be an affair apart from one time.

Sorry you're going through this. Here you go

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Thanks @IHaveQuestionsLotsOfQuestions thats a sobering read but useful nonetheless.

No signs of nastiness yet but I guess in time who knows

Thank you, I am the happiest now I have ever been.

After it was all said and done there were loads of things that turned out to be red flags I hadn’t noticed or had turned a blind eye to, it was the best thing he could have done really!

He feels numb and is struggling to find joy

sounds like he needs a lot of help and perhaps a trip to the doctors

Thanks for listening, this is so bloody hard. It’s the uncertainty isn’t it? Your mind just goes round and round……

At first glance it sounds like depression. Which, in turn, causes numbness and a feeling of not knowing anything anymore.

You both need to see a counsellor. Apart and together. To identify the issue and have support in navigating through.

For me, having experience of depression...the fact he's opened up and told you what he actually feels....no matter how harsh it sounds... means he trusts you enough to share and know you have his back, and you'll be there. It's a dark place and one can get lost to such an extent that suicide seems the only solution to too many. He has chosen to heal by sharing with you.

Create a personal timeline for yourself as a wait-and-see attitude to see if he's being proactive in his efforts. If there is no progress after your deadline nears (non-spoken to him), then you can feel better about beginning an exit, since you did all you could do, with suggestions, etc.

I'm glad you're seeking joy outside of him, plus a new career. That'll serve you well if a separation happens.

@LHP118 thank for sharing and I hope your depression is not affecting you anymore.

I do worry about that with him, he cried at the weekend saying he was worried about our eldest son as he sees a lot of himself in him and he doesn’t ever want him to feel like this. He acknowledges he doesn’t always react to things emotionally in the way the majority of people do and wonders if that means something is wrong - for instance he didn’t cry when grandparents have died in the past or when his dad was ill. In fact I think I’ve only ever seen him shed a tear or two in happiness when our DC were born.

I just swing from being incredibly worried and wanting to help him to anger of how can you do this and is there someone else

He is, to most people, friendly, open, confident but doesn’t and never has had any close friends - he gets on well with colleagues and my friends husbands etc but would never go out with a friend on his own

So I’m not proud of it but I woke up in the night and took his phones and checked them - texts/emails/teams and didn’t find any sign of anything dodgy.

Finances are all joint so nothing untoward in them either

I don't think it sounds like the cheater's script. It sounds like he's emotionally numb due to burnout and/or depression and he lacks the emotional literacy to recognise it. I went through a period of feeling like I lost my love for my DH and felt numb but I was self aware enough to recognise it as perimenopause/grief/burnout impacting me. I took steps to address it, I reached out to DH for support (but I NEVER told him my feelings for him were in question, because they weren't really and how would that have helped?) and I moved through it.

he doesn’t think we make each other happy anymore and that to him means he doesn’t love me. What I don’t understand is why every time I’ve tried to address and suggest ways to improve things it’s been him who hasn’t really tried with it so makes me think this is a more permanent state and although he may also be depressed this is real.

Sounds like he is in denial as to his depression. Depression is harder for men to admit to than women. It is illogical to think that another person can make you happy and that not being happy equates to a failing relationship. Because he is in denial (and was) your suggestions would have fallen on deaf ears, a very much there’s nothing wrong with me it’s the relationship kind of reaction.

I hope he is honest with the GP and comes out of denial. If he doesn’t, he will further damage your relationship until it passes a point of no return and you will be divorcing him,

I would say now you've had a snoop it's time to stop, getting caught doing that will almost certainly not do you any favors, hopefully you got the answers you needed, aside from that you've done everything right so far, tried to create a dialogue, tried to instigate councelling, i think maybe it's just down to his depression but some of the things you said relating to him being emotionless in certain situations and being a bit solitary could mean that he's neurodiverse, if for example he has ADHD/Aspergers or a mix of any of the conditions that fall under the term neurodiverse he may not be able to see or explain what's causing it.

The spectrum is wide and complex and i'm no expert, but some people struggle with emotion, they can come across as emotionless for many reasons including feeling overstimulated and being unable to process their emotions due to sense overload or in some cases they may not be able to recognise the emotional triggers at all. It's a very complicated subject that would require an evaluation by a professional but it could explain why he's feeling the way he is. Just a thought to add to the mix.