Can a women and a man be best friends?

[Moonlightfrog]

I used to think they could but now I am thinking ‘not’.

I have had a male best friend for around 6/7 years, I see him most weeks, we text constantly, share hobbies and I truly thought we would be best friends forever. I have dated a few people over the past 6 years and have always made sure I still made time for my best friend, continued to text him and meet up most weeks.

A few months ago he met someone and since then things have changed completely. He rarely messages and when he does it’s just general ‘how are you?’ With little conversation or interest. We have seen each other once over the summer and that was just to meet up for a coffee with his children and mine.
It feels like he no interest in any of the hobbies we have shared for years and he suddenly likes all the things this new person likes.

I feel like I have been replaced and that none of the things we did together were important to him. I feel like he only liked the things I liked because he wanted to spend time with me, now he’s found a new person he now likes all the things they like and shows no interest in anything else. I don’t feel like I know him anymore. It really hurts and I feel used.

I have stepped back and given him space but he doesn’t seem to care or notice.

I have gone from spending most weekends doing things with him to spending most weekends in my own. I know that’s not his issue and that I can spend time with other people but it makes me feel a little sad and disappointed. I don’t mind spending time alone but I miss sharing things with him….things we both used to find exciting but now he doesn’t.

I have always had male friends, I guess I find men easier to get along with (maybe because I am ND). I do have other friends but not really close friends.

I am now questioning if it’s even possible for a female to have a male best friend? Do all men act like this in friendships?

I had a good male friend. When I met my (now) DH I tried repeatedly to get us all out for beers/gigs just so they could meet. The friend always had an excuse. Penny dropped - he'd just been keeping me in his back pocket and I wasn't a friend at all. Stopped seeing him.

I’m not sure what this situation has to do with being male-female. This is hardly a new risk to friendships when someone gets into a relationship. It happens all time unfortunately.

Why does being ND mean you get on better with men?

This isn’t about male/female friendships. He’s got a new partner and has deprioritised you. This happens in female friendships too.

honestly you sound slightly jealous/resentful of his new relationship.

Trying my best to disregard the shallow, and very reductive comments... Because if someone has that view, unable to understand how people can be simple or complex, and everything in between, it's not worth having an argument with the person..

It is absolutely possible for a man and woman to be friends, my closest childhood friend is a woman, we're late 30s, early 40s, we've known each other since we were 14ish. We talk about anything, work, private life, our partners know each other, been to each others' weddings, now that she had a baby last year, we talk a lot of kid stuff. Sometimes we don't talk for 2 weeks, and sometimes there is a flurry of interesting back-and-forth. And before anyone starts - she is an attractive woman, but I am not a caveman with hormones and simple instincts to breed in charge. I have slept over her place (we live far away from each other), when I was visiting, and behold absolutely nothing happened other than getting pizza and talking till very late. No matter how attractive someone is, that has no relevance regarding my love and respect for my wife. I never had an issue with my wife being jealous, she trusts me, but my friend did get the odd jealous boyfriend or two before she met her now-husband. In those situations I always took a step back, there is no need to be pushy and cause unnecessary friction, but my friend was always adamant that she will not push me out of her for someone else's insecurity.

Even if I set aside my best friend for a moment, most of my friends are women, too - through work, or through my wife. I have made lasting friendships with women at previous workplaces that continue even though we don't work at the same company any more, and some of my wife's good friends became my friends, too, over time.

I can understand if someone had negative experiences and disappointment on this front, but to say that it is categorically impossible is such a narrow-minded and ignorant attitude. It's like the personal experience of these people are the norm - get a grip, you are not the centre of the world. Everyone's experience is valid, so if someone is experiencing the opposite, by definition it exists. You can't look at it and say - "well that's not real".

The ND thing is relevant here because you may take longer to adjust to a change. Friends change: priorities change. My male best friend from
uni stopped talking to everyone after he got divorced. None of us had done anything knowingly wrong. His parents, ex-wife and sister still occasionally check in and say hi with a few friends who have known them for decades.

Perhaps the new love interest has other qualities or benefits that you don’t have? It may be worth concentrating on yourself and your own hobbies/self-development/making different friends than worrying about this guy.

My view on this is that it is possible to have great male friends, but that they would probably shag you if they got the chance. I'm not saying they desperately fancy you or think about it all the time, or that that's the reason for the friendship. But whereas it might be 100% friendship on the female side, on the male side there is always a sexual element.

Unless it’s a gay male or a lesbian female.

I'm going to say no, but for different reasons.
Ive known my male best friend for 31 years.

We've now been a couple for 5 😂

Hands down the best relationship I've ever been in. Hopefully the universe will let us grow old together

We were friends with my wife too before we became a couple. Honestly, we believe that is the key for a long-standing, steady relationship. Rather than marrying someone with rose-tinted glasses, only to then realise you don't actually like the other person once those pink clouds lift (honestly, how many people do we all know like that? How many posts are there here, on MN of people not having anything in common?).
You need to like the person for it to work even when the initial fire is changing, and happily spend time together - we still do after kids and so many years, it is legit such an important thing. Rather than avoiding each other and looking forward to the other person finally going somewhere, like so many other people do.

He is hopeful that the new relationship will become romantic.
He is treating her as his Number One.
That is very decent of him.

There is no room for extra best girlfriends. unless you are his sister or cousin.

You, as his friend, would be hoping that he puts her firmly first and marries her.

Exactly.
He was there all along, he knows all of my little quirks and annoying habits, I know his, and we are able to talk without holding back.

He does take the piss out of me for the partners that came before him though 😆 unfortunately he's met them.

I think the thing that made me comment on this thread, was that I genuinely thought we were just besties, until I realised I'd fancied him for years and was already in love with him in a way through the friendship.

Re: the OP, I agree with a lot of other posters, he was hoping for more.

Honestly to each their own but I can’t really be mates with a man. I have absolutely nothing in common with the majority of men and I would much rather spend my time with women.

Every straight male friend I’ve had has tried to have sex with me at some point, normally when I’ve been extremely drunk, so I’ve got a pretty dim view of them.

I’ve got a gay male friend but I wouldn’t say he’s my best friend. I feel like he understands me more than most men and he kind of knows what it’s like to feel unsafe and we look out for one another. I’ve been friends with him since I was at primary school, we would play shark boy and lava girl at break time and fight over who was lava girl.

I am not totally closed off to friendships with men, but it’s not something I’d seek out or prioritise. I cannot see myself having a male best friend. I love my husband and I think he’s great, but we weren’t friends before we got together. We have a friendship, but it’s a component of our romantic relationship.

I work in an extremely male dominated environment so the majority of my friends, past and present, have been men. I’ve discovered along the way that you can only be friends in the way you are describing (meeting up, shared hobbies etc) if they are single. Once they enter a relationship they have a partner who generally doesn’t want that happening and so it fades to occasional messages and meeting up as part of a group only (with mutual friends or the new partner). It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can really do about it other than take a respectful step back. It is very hard though.
Also, ignore all the people saying “clearly you weren’t really friends” and that he wanted more etc. Men and women can absolutely be friends - it’s the partners/wives/husbands that make it difficult with their insecurity. And reducing all men to the stereotype than they’re only ever after sex is doing them a disservice.

Yes they can. My best friend of 50 years is a straight man. We text about once a month (or sooner if we have "big news" to share). He gets on well with my DP of 25 years and I get on well with his wife who he's been married to for 30 years. He's the closest thing I'll ever have to a brother. We don't see each other that often now as he lives 4 hours away but we each know that the other will be there if needed. I love him dearly as he does me, but neither of us has any desire to see the other one naked.

Of course men and women can be friends. I'm male, my best friend is a woman. She has been since we were 16, and we're both 43 now.

The reason it works is that there's absolutely no romantic interest at all. We had one very drunken kiss at 18 on a dare, and that was it.

@Moonlightfrog It sounds like there was a power imbalance in your friendship. He fancied you, you didn't fancy him, so he hung around in the hope that you'd change your mind. Now it's finally become clear to him that you won't, then he's moved on.

This is not exclusive to male/female friendships. I don't understand why you're focusing on gender here?

When a new partner comes along, all platonic friendships are are risk of cooling off for one of 3 main reasons. 1)The new relationship is consuming all their spare time at the moment, given it's early days and still in the 'honeymoon ' period 2) their new partner is showing signs of jealousy or resentment in the platonic nature of your friendship so you are being sacrificed .3) they had hoped that something more with you would develop but realised it was never going to happen, and have made an effort to find someone else who reciprocates their feelings and need for intimacy.

He seems have outgrown the need for your friendship at this point in your lives. It's up to you if you leave the door half open or slam it shut.
I've had friendships ( male and female) like that, and sometimes the friendships do come back, even after many years.

It seems like gender isn’t relevant to this situation.

I agree with pps above - the gender is not really relevant here for you, OP

That's one of the pitfalls of mixed sex friendships. If one of you gets a partner who doesn't approve or if feels uncomfortable you have to accept you may well be temporarily dropped. I kind of accept that side of things even though it can feel hurtful. But I think a very strong friendship you should be able to come back to whenever.

I’m really on the fence with this one
one of my best friends of 30 years is a straight male and absolutely nothing has ever happened .
But my last relationship ended due to his female ‘best friend’ and my suspicions they were more and even if they weren’t it was an over enmeshed codependent ‘friendship’ the likes I’ve never seen before between any gender
I think its one of those things that always boils down to the individual context of each situation and we can’t give a sweeping yes or no

This. ^ No new girlfriend of any man is going to want him spending lots of time with his female bestie. When push comes to shove any man who thinks anything of his girlfriend will put his female bestie on the back burner if she is feeling a bit threatened or bothered.

You do sound an awful lot like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding to be honest @Moonlightfrog Her name was Jules, and she was BFFs with her male friend from about the age of 12, (Michael) and they said to each other (in their late teens) that if they're not married by 28 that they will marry each other.

At 27, after around 4 months of no contact as they've both been busy, he phones her and she's excited to see him and have a 'catch up' and he says he's got something to tell her... It turns out that 3 months ago he met a woman (Kimmie) and fell in love with her super quickly, and they are getting married, (in a few weeks,) and Jules nearly falls of her chair. She's shocked and upset, and does everything she can to stop the wedding.

As has been said, you need to suck it up. He's not as interested in you now, and is with another woman. You're not the most important woman in his life anymore.

Agreed.

Exactly this.

When my best mate met his (now), wife our Friday nights out stopped as did our regular phone calls. I wasn't put out or offended by that as he was doing what I would have expected him to do (as he is a decent human being), which was putting her above me. Thirty years on he still does, as he should.

Well said.