Can a women and a man be best friends?

[Moonlightfrog]

I used to think they could but now I am thinking ‘not’.

I have had a male best friend for around 6/7 years, I see him most weeks, we text constantly, share hobbies and I truly thought we would be best friends forever. I have dated a few people over the past 6 years and have always made sure I still made time for my best friend, continued to text him and meet up most weeks.

A few months ago he met someone and since then things have changed completely. He rarely messages and when he does it’s just general ‘how are you?’ With little conversation or interest. We have seen each other once over the summer and that was just to meet up for a coffee with his children and mine.
It feels like he no interest in any of the hobbies we have shared for years and he suddenly likes all the things this new person likes.

I feel like I have been replaced and that none of the things we did together were important to him. I feel like he only liked the things I liked because he wanted to spend time with me, now he’s found a new person he now likes all the things they like and shows no interest in anything else. I don’t feel like I know him anymore. It really hurts and I feel used.

I have stepped back and given him space but he doesn’t seem to care or notice.

I have gone from spending most weekends doing things with him to spending most weekends in my own. I know that’s not his issue and that I can spend time with other people but it makes me feel a little sad and disappointed. I don’t mind spending time alone but I miss sharing things with him….things we both used to find exciting but now he doesn’t.

I have always had male friends, I guess I find men easier to get along with (maybe because I am ND). I do have other friends but not really close friends.

I am now questioning if it’s even possible for a female to have a male best friend? Do all men act like this in friendships?

This isn't just a thing that happens in male-female friendships. I think a lot of women have also had the experience of a female friend getting a new boyfriend and focusing on him rather than their 'best' friend. Sometimes when people meet someone the relationship just becomes consuming and they drop friends - that's true of both sexes.

Also... of course someone with a partner isn't going to spend every weekend with you. It's normal for someone's partner to be their top priority. It doesn't mean you were being 'used' by him. It just means that there are only so many days in the week, really.

It feels like he no interest in any of the hobbies we have shared for years and he suddenly likes all the things this new person likes.

Talking about her as 'this new person' rather than 'his partner' is quite telling, I think. You sound very resentful of her. You can't expect people to belong to you and for things to stay the same forever. He isn't obliged to keep liking the same hobbies as you. He is allowed to enjoy new things and to have a girlfriend and spend most of his time with her. People change over time and they can't be expected to stay the same just because you happen to like them that way.

I think your expectations of him were quite high and I don't think that intensity of friendship, meeting every weekend, was likely to be sustainable forever in any friendship where one or both people have a partner - whether the friends are two men, two women or a man and a woman.

I think male/female friendships can work and I think friendships can fade when there's a new partner in the mix whether it's male/female or not. It might be that the new girlfriend isn't comfortable with him having a female best friend? It might be that he's just so caught up in this new relationship that he's spending all his free time with her and doesn't have the time/energy to devote to your friendship. Either way, I think you just have to accept that perhaps you were more invested in the friendship than he was 😒

Just to add….I don’t expect him to spend every weekend with me. Often we would do our own thing but we would maybe catch up one evening instead of a weekend, at one point he would almost demand he saw me.

I guess I feel like he showed interest in all the things I liked just to get make me be friends with him, showing interest in the hobbies I already had and even buying similar clothing to me. And now suddenly he’s doing the same to someone else. They are apparently not an item, she friend zoned him, but he’s totally obsessed with her. Of course I want him to be happy. I just feel like I have been replaced.

He probably wanted to be more than friends with you and you didn’t want that so he’s moved onto someone else he thinks he might have a chance with. I think men and women can be friends, but I think men are often more motivated to be very close friends with women they want to shag.

Have you got any romantic feelings for him?

I think men and women can be best friends yes.

No. But he has for me in the past.

This. When we first met he was very full on and wanted to be more than friends, we talked and decided to be friends. Apparently this is exactly what this new woman has done too and they are just friends.

Well I ask because you sound very attached. Maybe in this instance he had another agenda but that doesn't mean men and women can't ever be best friends.

I think it's possible. My male friend is probably my 'best' one and we enjoy each other's company as we share interests. However, we certainly don't spend every weekend together. We are both married and have known each other a long time.

We probably text/message every couple of weeks or so, and would do something together occasionally when family/relationships/work allowed. We would also get together with our families/partners occasionally.

I don't think the sex of the person is necessarily important. I think when you've both been single it's easy to spend more time together, but he's met someone he's keen on, even if she has 'friend zoned' him. I've had women friends drop me when they met a bloke, or even just that they've started hanging out with other female friends.

Definitely not attached in a romantic way, attached in the way he was my best friend, always around and a part of my family (he’s met my family, knows my kids well) and now he’s acting like a totally different person.

This happens in all friendships try not to take it personally I used to see my friends both male and female every weekend and we would be in touch during the week but then life got busy with working and we all started meeting our now husbands and wives and we drifted apart some of them I’ve not seen for a few years now we stay connected through social media I see one of my closest friends every 6/8 weeks we have all had children too at different times over the last 20 years so we are all at different stages of parenthood.
strangely enough one of them has been messaging me tonight catching up.
its just part of life we probably could make more of an effort with each other but life gets busy and sometimes there just isn’t enough hours in the day sorry OP I know its not easy

MaggieMop
I saw a good documentary about this a few years ago, it followed a male / female couple of friends who were asking themselves this same question; can they have a close platonic friendship. It was quite interesting,
I’ve just checked, it was called “When Harry Met Sally.”

😅😅😅👏👏👏👏

As soon as men have somewhere to dip their wick they generally focus on that, led by their penis. They are simple buggers.

Years and years ago I heard a theory that strong/close male-female friendships only work when one of the two fancies the other. Something to do with primitive biology and the way our brains are wired. Anyway when I look back at all my close male friendships only it was certainly true - either I fancied them a little, or it came out further down the line that they fancied me.
sounds like he probably fancied you a little. Now he’s got a new mate he’s not interested in you anymore so your friendship is fading as he no longer wants to put in as much effort.

I've had a male best friend for twenty years. We've gone from young and single to married during that time, making speeches as each other's weddings and being there throughout life. It can happen. Sounds different in your case though.

Not if both are heterosexual

He has found someone else he is attracted to. It does tend to happen with male friends.

You sound quite possessive and intense about friendship.

I don’t believe in a true ‘best friend’ friendship between a male and a female. There’s always some romantic feelings involved in my opinion.

I think it’s possible but pretty rare for it to be truly platonic on both sides, especially meeting as adults. But it doesn’t sound like this is what you ever had anyway. He was into you and you knew that so it wasn’t just best friends for him?

While you were so close there may have always felt like a chance something could happen or maybe he accepted it wouldn’t but liked spending time with a woman he was attracted to.

But now he has the chance to do that with someone and also have sex so he’s prioritising that.

Though I can understand it feeling crappy to feel you’ve been cast aside.

But ultimately still led by their penises!

I have witnessed a few rare genuine friendships between men and women over the years (like Kirstie Allsop and Phil Spencer) but I am cynical.

I think certainly in 99% of cases, the male particularly, is just playing the long game in the hope of a sexual relationship, but settles for friendship in the meantime.

I too think this happens in all kinds of close friendships. But I actually feel like yours is very intense and I don’t think I’d be comfortable with my dh having that level of contact with a female best friend.

my dh has a female best friend. They’ve grown up together. They are close but even they don’t text constantly. I’d find that quite intrusive. They see each other a couple of times a month for a shared hobby that they take both sets of dc to and usually catch up on the phone on the commute home once a week. If either of them has a crisis they are immediately there for each utter, they don’t need to be in constant contact for that, it just happens naturally. She’s also good friends with me and our dc. She’s a part of our family and vice versa.

My friendship with my best friend goes through phases where we are in contact a lot, or sometimes life’s busy and we check in randomly when we have chance. I feel that’s pretty normal.

just accept that this is a phase in your friendship, let his relationship flourish and be open and welcoming to his new partner. And you’ll gain yourself a new friend too.