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Original poster

Partner of five years no longer seems as perfect as I believed

79 replies

Nishnash · 11/09/2026 13:42

I have a partner of 5 years who I believed was the most perfect and innocent man.We met on a dating site and after 3 weeks of dating he moved in.I met his parents soon after.He had previously been in a 28 year relationship, 2 years of which he was banished to the spare bedroombuntil he left back to his parents and we met 6 months after.
Recently he fell asleep browsing on his phone and I discovered he was on tinder.I questioned him and he said he was not even aware that he was on that site.
This made me curious so I secretly logged into his phone.Apart from tinder he had logged onto an escort website called adultwork.
I also discovered he had enquired about sensual massages dating back to the year we met....once asked if happy afters were offered with the massage!
Last year he did chat with a girl from a dating site asking if he can share her bed!
I was heartbroken...I never suspected any of this.He is a quiet non confrintational shy man.

So with all this information,we had a discussion.Told him that I went into his phone and diacovered all this.Offerd him that if it is that he now wants something different,I am happy to let him go and enjoy his life with someone else as life is short.
We are planning to get married in 2028...it does not make sense.
He started crying,that he is angry with himself for doing all this,that he has hurt the best person who ever happened to him ,that he never met anyone of these liaisons.I asked him why he did not and he said because he realised that it was wrong.
I asked him if he has ever been with another woman since we met and he said he hadnt.I even asked him if he has any fantasies that he is not getting from home,he said no !
I told him that I loved him,has always loved and believed in him and that he shocked me by all this.He promised not to do it again and was profusely apologetic.

He has recently retired am always worried if the temptation will come back when I am at work.

He has had some health issues the past 3 years and we have been to hospital for investigations and all that....he takes regular meds.
Recently he received some good £ inheritance from his late dad and have me some which I have invested.
I used a lot of chat gpt to help me process all this.
I have been secretly in his phone here and there to monitor things and for now there is no new concerns.
I still love him but can never trust him....am in that limbo....my brain is messed up.
The thing is if I got home and find that he has left .....will not want to ever be with another man...I will devort my time to charity causes....he ticked all my boxes from the beginning.

OP posts:
NoHotGirlsInHell · 11/09/2026 13:44

If he realised it was wrong why did he keep repeating the behaviour?

this isn’t a healthy relationship. Throw this one back.

Agatha1989 · 11/09/2026 13:50

He’s not perfect at all! You moved in together after 3 weeks? Your house or his? So many red flags 🚩

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/09/2026 13:59

Bin him. Where’s your self respect?

birdinatree1903 · 11/09/2026 14:09

I wouldn’t be able to get past this personally! He’s repeatedly made the decision to do something he knew was wrong, if you don’t have trust then your relationship can’t be secure.

BleuestBelle · 11/09/2026 14:15

Yuk. Reading your post makes me doubly determined to walk away from the creep I'm currently seeing.

If you don't mind sharing this man with every other woman he feels like he's entitled to have sex with him, then stay. But you'll never have a happy life. I would walk and never look back. And also assume that he has already been unfaithful.

There are good men out there but sadly OP he sounds like a scumbag.

You sound young? Have you come from another country for him?

OhNoooooooooooooooo · 11/09/2026 14:17

the moving in after 3 weeks should have made you realise he's not perfect....

Do not marry this man, send him packing.

SunshineSpice · 11/09/2026 14:18

🚩🚩🚩

OhNoooooooooooooooo · 11/09/2026 14:18

an of course he;s been with otehr women and paid them for thir services.

halfpastten · 11/09/2026 14:20

He lied when you first asked him about tinder. He only owned up when you found evidence. This is not a trustworthy person. You know this. Are you sure he doesnt have another secret phone. Either way, it's no way to live. Also the £ from inheritance he gave you, is that because he has been living rent free in your house? How does the relationship really add up.

Lavenderandbrown · 11/09/2026 14:34

Thankfully he has “only” deceived you as to his character intentions and actions for 5 years. End this relationship now and if he lives in your house truly pack his bags and change your locks.

of course he’s upset now…he is upset and crying and frantic because he got caught. This is how most if not nearly all cheaters act. I had one too and the pleas for forgiveness and how he loved me blah blah. Lying then lying before…a liar. If his lips are moving he’s lying.
give yourself a big gift…don’t marry move him out and I would keep the inheritance if you paid the mortgage.

I know a lot of women OP and not one has been able to course correct with a cheating partner. Some like my ex had a very complex secret life and some “just had hotel sex with a coworker one time” and not one of us could save the marriage although several tried for a long time.

value yourself above and beyond having a man

FieryA · 11/09/2026 14:34

Why do you want to be a martyr, if this relationship does not work out? He is not perfect and never has been. He has cheated and been emotionally manipulative. He is clearly not trustworthy. Are you going to be afraid and monitor his actions all your life? Don't you have your own career, health, and ambitions to focus on?

Comesround · 11/09/2026 14:35

If you don't feel safe in the relationship, you need to end it for both of you. You're not happy and he won't be happy.

If he doesn't know why he did it, he can't promise he won't do it again.

He's not the person you thought he was and you won't ever get that person back.

ginasevern · 11/09/2026 14:37

Sorry OP. So many men are addicted to porn and escort sites these days. Women seem to think that it's only the glaringly obvious pervy or scumbag types, but it really isn't. You say he's left? Don't chase him to come back, he won't change and you'll be even more devastated if you waste another 5 years with him.

PinkHibiscusFlowers · 11/09/2026 14:39

“The quiet ones are always the worst” 🚩🚩🚩
My guess is you only know the half of it 🫣

BleuestBelle · 11/09/2026 14:40

ginasevern · 11/09/2026 14:37

Sorry OP. So many men are addicted to porn and escort sites these days. Women seem to think that it's only the glaringly obvious pervy or scumbag types, but it really isn't. You say he's left? Don't chase him to come back, he won't change and you'll be even more devastated if you waste another 5 years with him.

Yep. I dated someone years ago who was obsessed with looking at photos of prostitutes. You would never have known. By all accounts a great dad etc etc. Seemingly humble and kind but a nasty sadistic bastard underneath. These men can be excellent actors.

OneKhakiFish · 11/09/2026 14:41

I wouldn't waste another second of my life with that one, yuk! no wonder his DW banished him to a spare room, if that's even true, I wouldn't believe a word he says, I'd get myself checked and cut him out my life, his possessions would be on the driveway

ExistWHY · 11/09/2026 14:45

You didn't even get to know him, you moved him in after 3 weeks, learn from it.

Maisymouse2 · 11/09/2026 14:51

Do ypu want to marry into a life of knpwing Yes he will cheat abd be looking elsewhere still.
No other better options are out in the world the favt he was moved in wothinn3 weeks what was the rush?.
Yes you would meet someone much better without always needing to be suss or checking devices..is he some sort of sexual pervert..most likely...No he will not change he will play you.

CurlewKate · 11/09/2026 15:07

Get an std test immediately. And contraception if appropriate. Then leave him

jesseK · 11/09/2026 15:08

Nishnash · 11/09/2026 13:42

I have a partner of 5 years who I believed was the most perfect and innocent man.We met on a dating site and after 3 weeks of dating he moved in.I met his parents soon after.He had previously been in a 28 year relationship, 2 years of which he was banished to the spare bedroombuntil he left back to his parents and we met 6 months after.
Recently he fell asleep browsing on his phone and I discovered he was on tinder.I questioned him and he said he was not even aware that he was on that site.
This made me curious so I secretly logged into his phone.Apart from tinder he had logged onto an escort website called adultwork.
I also discovered he had enquired about sensual massages dating back to the year we met....once asked if happy afters were offered with the massage!
Last year he did chat with a girl from a dating site asking if he can share her bed!
I was heartbroken...I never suspected any of this.He is a quiet non confrintational shy man.

So with all this information,we had a discussion.Told him that I went into his phone and diacovered all this.Offerd him that if it is that he now wants something different,I am happy to let him go and enjoy his life with someone else as life is short.
We are planning to get married in 2028...it does not make sense.
He started crying,that he is angry with himself for doing all this,that he has hurt the best person who ever happened to him ,that he never met anyone of these liaisons.I asked him why he did not and he said because he realised that it was wrong.
I asked him if he has ever been with another woman since we met and he said he hadnt.I even asked him if he has any fantasies that he is not getting from home,he said no !
I told him that I loved him,has always loved and believed in him and that he shocked me by all this.He promised not to do it again and was profusely apologetic.

He has recently retired am always worried if the temptation will come back when I am at work.

He has had some health issues the past 3 years and we have been to hospital for investigations and all that....he takes regular meds.
Recently he received some good £ inheritance from his late dad and have me some which I have invested.
I used a lot of chat gpt to help me process all this.
I have been secretly in his phone here and there to monitor things and for now there is no new concerns.
I still love him but can never trust him....am in that limbo....my brain is messed up.
The thing is if I got home and find that he has left .....will not want to ever be with another man...I will devort my time to charity causes....he ticked all my boxes from the beginning.

When there's no trust, there's no point in being together.

thestudio · 11/09/2026 15:11

Ugh.

This will be your life if you marry him... over and over.

Mindblowing · 11/09/2026 15:13

He was likely ‘banished’ to the spare room as she didn’t want to catch a disease from him. Sensible move.

Hes a proven liar. No kids, no marriage, no joint mortgage - why are you entertaining him?

This may shed more light on his behaviour

https://minwallamodel.com/article/ten-steps-to-building-a-secret-sexual-basement/

FloofTrousers · 11/09/2026 15:14

He'll be admitting to the bare minimum and leaving a huge amount of detail out, including the sex he almost certainly has had through those sites. And there's little point in monitoring his phone. He'll just hide things better, delete browsing history, use incognito etc.

Original poster
Nishnash · 11/09/2026 15:15

He has always paid his bills from day one.He is 14 months older.We have done sooo many things together.His late patents treated me as one of theirs.I have never had any suspicion....its hard

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 11/09/2026 15:15

nonsense