Partner of five years no longer seems as perfect as I believed

[Nishnash]

I have a partner of 5 years who I believed was the most perfect and innocent man.We met on a dating site and after 3 weeks of dating he moved in.I met his parents soon after.He had previously been in a 28 year relationship, 2 years of which he was banished to the spare bedroombuntil he left back to his parents and we met 6 months after.
Recently he fell asleep browsing on his phone and I discovered he was on tinder.I questioned him and he said he was not even aware that he was on that site.
This made me curious so I secretly logged into his phone.Apart from tinder he had logged onto an escort website called adultwork.
I also discovered he had enquired about sensual massages dating back to the year we met....once asked if happy afters were offered with the massage!
Last year he did chat with a girl from a dating site asking if he can share her bed!
I was heartbroken...I never suspected any of this.He is a quiet non confrintational shy man.

So with all this information,we had a discussion.Told him that I went into his phone and diacovered all this.Offerd him that if it is that he now wants something different,I am happy to let him go and enjoy his life with someone else as life is short.
We are planning to get married in 2028...it does not make sense.
He started crying,that he is angry with himself for doing all this,that he has hurt the best person who ever happened to him ,that he never met anyone of these liaisons.I asked him why he did not and he said because he realised that it was wrong.
I asked him if he has ever been with another woman since we met and he said he hadnt.I even asked him if he has any fantasies that he is not getting from home,he said no !
I told him that I loved him,has always loved and believed in him and that he shocked me by all this.He promised not to do it again and was profusely apologetic.

He has recently retired am always worried if the temptation will come back when I am at work.

He has had some health issues the past 3 years and we have been to hospital for investigations and all that....he takes regular meds.
Recently he received some good £ inheritance from his late dad and have me some which I have invested.
I used a lot of chat gpt to help me process all this.
I have been secretly in his phone here and there to monitor things and for now there is no new concerns.
I still love him but can never trust him....am in that limbo....my brain is messed up.
The thing is if I got home and find that he has left .....will not want to ever be with another man...I will devort my time to charity causes....he ticked all my boxes from the beginning.

He’s a liar and a cheat. Return the money.

My stbxH that I loved and trusted very much, fits very much your description of “He is a quiet non confrontational shy man”. Yet he’s turned out to be a lifelong flirt at the keyboards with ANY female co-workers, and eventually abandoned his family of 16-17 years for his affair partner.

There must be a reason why he was banished for 2 years in such a long relationship. People don’t do that lightly…

Most certainly!!!! Why on earth would you keep it?

Anyone who moves in after 3 weeks is a red flag hobosexual. He was looking for a way to get out of his parents house, not for love.

Don’t get married. He will continue to do this until he is too old to function. He’s just crying because he doesn’t want to live with his mum again.

Yes give it back. His father gave that to him and you are not married. Keeping it would be theft as he did not gift it to you.

Can only transfer £25k a day back to his account ,so done first transfer earlier and will transfer daily till the £250k is returned.

LTB

That’s a hell of a lot of
money he gave you. I’m going to go against the grain here and say I was in a similar position, decided to forgive and he hasn’t deceived me since. I know I’m going to get stick for this decision, but I guess the difference is that we’d been married for 15 years by then, and he’d been going through the loss of both parents so was in a very weird headspace.
If your ex can’t offer any reason for his behaviour and offer to do anything material to change (eg therapy) it’s not a great sign.

Well done OP!
If anything has left you out of pocket I would deduct it from the 250k though!

He returned the £25k,said that it belonged to me as gratitude for all I did for him so I deposited the money back into chase.
He has been begging to come back, he said he will go for therapy,he is in a hotel nearby...told him that he can now freely do whatever he wants with his life.... escorts...massages... happy afters...dating sites and wished him luck.
I told him to never contact me again but I did not block him.
I love him but he hurt me deeply.I do not deserve all this shit he has put me through..I hate him for hurting me this way.I am holding on.

He’s left the money so he has something on you to try get back together. Be prepared for the money conversation to turn nasty once he realises it’s totally over.

OP you should be so so proud of holding the line here. 99% of the women on here just put up with everything they shouldn’t.

Unfortunately once the trust is gone the relationship is over. I learned that the hard way. Took him back. Wanted to believe he'd change but I could never trust him and it drove me crazy. Literally. I was a paranoid mess. Its no way to live.

he sounds like a weirdo op - the money thing - the gratitude etc keep the money in a savings account in case hes looking for it in future

I feel empty....miss him because I lovedhim....still do.Its almost midnight and am lying here .....on my huge bed missing him on my side.Life can be shit.
At 63 I do not want to grow old alone.I want a life partner.I am extremely heart broken.

I'm sorry you're suffering, OP :(

I know it sounds trite but time will heal your grief. Hang in there.

And 63 is definitely not to old to find another partner! My 77 yo friend is in a happy live-alone together relationship with a man she met at bowling 2 years ago.

And this will be why he was banished to the spare room by his wife.

I was married to someone like this. They don't change. I left after 20 years. And found a man who doesn't do this kind of shit.

I'd dump him, honestly!

Sorry for your troubles, but the three week moving in was a signal to him that you were desperate for a relationship. Any relationship. He gave you a relationship just not the one you wanted.

He gave you a quarter of a million pounds? I'll take him off your hands, that's unbelievable, literally.

Just read about the inheritance money. I would stay with him. Reap the benefits of cash, let him do what he likes. Be his companion and just do stuff together (on his money, think of the travel!) Lovey dovey stuff is a myth especially when you get older. Men want sex, women want romance. Let him seek the former else, read a Mills & Boon. Be friends, live together, spend together.

My question was going to be how old you are.

You are worth more than this.

He started crying,that he is angry with himself for doing all this,that he has hurt the best person who ever happened to him

Don't believe him OP.

Your sexual health is precious to give this type of man the benefit of the doubt. He's mostly likely crying because he's upset that you've found out, and he's realised that he cannot have his cake and eat it - that is to have a nice wifey making things comfortable for him in her home, whilst he shags prostitutes.

Now you know the likely reason why he was banished to a separate bed in his past relationship.

So sorry OP. Men can sometimes lie and keep pretences for years. He's not the man you thought he was. Get an STD check ASAP.

Many of us can identify with how you’re feeling. The empty bed space and all that.

You have been very strong, you have had integrity regarding the £££. I admire your strength of character. Stick to your guns. It does get easier. Might take a while, longer than you might wish, but you will recover.

Stay away from him. Block him on everything. He should be in your rear view mirror from now on.

You have done the best thing by kicking this weak ineffectual creature out.

He is begging to come back but am standing my ground.He messed my head up,says he never meant to meet any of these women.Asked why contact them then!
Have had 2 bunches of flowers so far at my door step from work.
I looked after this bastard!Healthy and balanced work meals,laundered and ironed his clothes....helped look after his ailing parents who genuinely loved and appreciated the support till they both passed on.
Sex was good and adventurous biutt I am not as experienced as escorts.
Anyway,I walked in to a nearby sti clinic 2 days ago and all results have come out negative.
Last night I finished a bottle of Asti on my own watching some tv programmes.

Bless you. He had lied and covered up and probably after you found out lied again about actual contact with these women.

otu will never feel secure and safe if you had stayed going forward.

once the hurt and anger has left and it will take a while so be kind. Keep busy. Join some new clubs and do what makes you happy.

there are many single women your age you can do things with. Divorcees. Widows etc.
be brave and get out there and make some new mates and will fill the hole a little. Do you have children op?