Advice for conversation following BF's angry outburst

[Felidea]

Seeking some opinions on situation with my boyfriend of 7 months. It's been great and he's been a really great and caring partner and I definitely feel strongly about him. I know that he had a traumatic childhood although he never wanted to talk about it much and I did not pry. 2 days ago he did share some details with me and it was honestly heart breaking and I could see that he was upset and went quiet again. I wasn't sure what he wanted to I asked him if he wanted to talk it and he shrugged and I had no idea what to do and asked him some questions and he suddenly got really angry and spat out some pretty misogynistic crap about the person who he claimed to have loved just moments earlier. It was terrifying because it happened so quickly but then left again.

I've never seen him behave like this, and he is usually super chill about things, so I can only assume that he is still grieving a lot and that I probably shouldn't have asked him things. He apologised later and we then pretended that this had never happened but I am still thinking about the horrible things that he said because it was 100% not like him.

I feel awful saying this but it's made me question the relationship. I could see that it was grief and I want to be there for him if it helps but the shift was awful and scared me because I saw a completely different side.

So yeah, just wondering if someone has any suggestions on how to discuss this elephant in the room without sounding too judgemental or non caring.

I would too. I married and had kids with someone who had suffered severe childhood trauma and although he was nice most of the time, all the time in the beginning, once the mask slips it gets quite confusing and scary. You can never quite relax after that. I stayed with him for over two decades and he was so emotionally abusive to me and our kids when I did finally leave that I don't think I will ever quite be myself again. I don't have any contact with him now and neither does our adult kids. I really wish I had known more about how traumatised people are in relationships before I met him, but nobody was speaking about that in the late 90s.

I do think it's good that he is in therapy, my ex never did any of that, but it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near having processed what happened to him.

He didn’t blame me! I said that he apologised! I was asking if I had done something wrong in this situation!
Yes, he did scare me. It was sudden and extreme but he did not abuse me in any way. The nasty comments were about his mother and not me. Sorry if I hadn’t made that clear.

Why are you blaming yourself?

When you asked him if he wanted to talk he could have said No instead of shrugging.

Op you mentioned that his behaviour scared you and that is not acceptable. He clearly had a lot of unresolved issues and these not something for you to take on as you haven’t been together long

This will happen again and will probably get worse as he gets more comfortable with you. It’s good that he’s having therapy as it shows he recognises that he needs it. You need to talk to him about how he scared you and how unacceptable that is. Sorry and forget about it is not enough. He is not your problem to solve and you need to protect yourself. Consider hard the worst case scenario here and whether that is what you want your life to be.

It would be different if you were both trauma survivors who were going to help each other through the process. It sounds like you need to walk away, for both your sakes, since you are both too different in your backgrounds.

Proceed with caution. Him apologizing doesn't mean anything- you felt scared and saying sorry doesn't take that away. His mother was the victim of DV and he is abusing her even after her death. This is very concerning. He hasn't processed his trauma and is not ready for a relationship.

Apologising afterwards is the hallmark of every abuser. How do you think people get sucked in otherwise?

I think you need to go into this with your eyes wide open. Childhood trauma raises its ugly head periodically even when you think they’re in a good place. Just speaking from experience (from someone who used to be close to me) you think it’s under control and bang its back.

Sorry OP, but this has red flags all over it. You are not his therapist or rehabilitation centre, it's 7 months in and his mask is starting to slip. If you stay, I guarantee you will learn to avoid any difficult conversations for the sake of avoiding an angry outburst.

He has a lot of unresolved stuff to unpack, this isn't your fight to take up.

Someone once advised me to never get into a relationship with someone who has had a very difficult or traumatic childhood.

By the time I heard this it was too late for me unfortunately, but I really wish I'd known before marriage and children how badly affected my H was by his childhood. I don't think he has ever completely recovered from it all (and by the sounds of it what he went through wasn't as bad as your bf's situation).
I left him eventually but the damage was done (to me and the dc).

Honestly op - life is hard enough. Marriage is hard enough. Don't make it even more difficult for yourself by knowingly continuing in a relationship with someone who has a massive amount of unresolved trauma.

since you are both too different in your backgrounds

its not what’s happened, it’s how he has filed a certain amount of contempt for women away and wheels it out for an air now and again. Do you think there’s a woman out there with enough, what, trauma, who should and could tolerate this?

Stipendio · Today 08:24
Someone once advised me to never get into a relationship with someone who has had a very difficult or traumatic childhood.

this is partly why it is so hard for people to come to terms with their own abusive childhood, the absolute s&&t show that such a parent gives you. I don’t think double bind even comes close to covering it. It’s terrible.

OP please don’t stay with a man who has scared you. It’s not a safe relationship to be in.

I spoke to him and I think we are ok. At least we agreed on how to communicate going forward

Oh @Felidea your update really makes my heart sink. Good luck for your future, please remember that it’s never too late to end a relationship.

I won’t forget. But it just didn’t feel right to end this because he got upset. He didn’t hurt me and unless this becomes a regular issue I’m ok to give him the chance to heal.
If someone walked away because of one wrong thing I did or said I’d be devastated and I don’t want to be the person to do such a thing.