Advice for conversation following BF's angry outburst

[Felidea]

Seeking some opinions on situation with my boyfriend of 7 months. It's been great and he's been a really great and caring partner and I definitely feel strongly about him. I know that he had a traumatic childhood although he never wanted to talk about it much and I did not pry. 2 days ago he did share some details with me and it was honestly heart breaking and I could see that he was upset and went quiet again. I wasn't sure what he wanted to I asked him if he wanted to talk it and he shrugged and I had no idea what to do and asked him some questions and he suddenly got really angry and spat out some pretty misogynistic crap about the person who he claimed to have loved just moments earlier. It was terrifying because it happened so quickly but then left again.

I've never seen him behave like this, and he is usually super chill about things, so I can only assume that he is still grieving a lot and that I probably shouldn't have asked him things. He apologised later and we then pretended that this had never happened but I am still thinking about the horrible things that he said because it was 100% not like him.

I feel awful saying this but it's made me question the relationship. I could see that it was grief and I want to be there for him if it helps but the shift was awful and scared me because I saw a completely different side.

So yeah, just wondering if someone has any suggestions on how to discuss this elephant in the room without sounding too judgemental or non caring.

What questions?

If he had a traumatic childhood then he needs to have some therapy.
He also needs to be able to tell you when he can’t talk any more because he is too upset or if he need space. Because he is upset. You would need to respect that.
It depends what the outburst was and who it was directed towards.
You can end a relationship for any reason you want.
Its also very challenging being with someone who has unresolved issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms. That’s something to consider.

How old he was and how it happened

It depends what he's told you so far about it, can't really judge.

So, under pressure he said things taht awere completely unaceptable? Aimed at you?

Yeah, that's a problem. i could have some sympathy if he shut down for a bit or was a bit snappy, but coming out with this sort of thing is completely unreasonable and speaks to a bigger problem.

Too little info to judge.

But clearly your questions about something traumatic triggered him. Whether his response was reasonable is impossible to say. You sound as though you were a bit intrusive. You asked him if he wanted to talk and he shrugged and went silent.

I'd have taken that as a no, but you asked for more details.

If my partner came out with explicitly misogynistic criticism of ANYONE I would need to have a long chat about his deep seated beliefs and thats if I was feeling generous. Your relationship can’t continue as it is is because he has thrown this into the space between you and is now watching to see how good you are at ignoring the red flags. This is a very specific fork in the road for all relationships with people who are actually harbouring terrible stuff you have no business having to be exposed to. And boy will he spew that out on you as time goes by. Your inner wisdom is talking to you loud and clear.

Whether his response was reasonable is impossible to say.

yeah because sometimes it’s reasonable to be a mysogynist?

Leave him so he can get therapy.
Therapist is trained to handle outbursts and work with him to handle things in a different way

Other wise you will be terrified of him again

he suddenly got really angry and spat out some pretty misogynistic crap about the person who he claimed to have loved just moments earlier. It was terrifyingbecause it happened so quickly

I knew that his mother died when he was young but he had never wanted to talk about it. He now said how she died ("she fell down the stairs") so I asked the questions when he went quiet and then he got angry and claimed that she wouldn't have died if she had just left instead of staying with his father. But all swearing and angry at her and not a word about his father. I can't judge him there but it was completely out of character.

He is in therapy but never talks about it.

He needs to be talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist about his trauma asap.

id walk away for your own sanity. He needs to do therapy first.

I say this as someone with severe early trauma

Fwiw I totally accept that my questions triggered this but I wasn't sure what he wanted, and I know not to do that again to anyone. That's why I asked here

Perhaps the issue was to do with abuse from a female in which case it could be very understandable. In the same way that if a woman had been raped she may then hate all men.

It is a red flag OP.
Whatever past traumas he has had - it's no excuse to be so disrespectful to you. The result now is that you will be tip toeing around him and walking on egg shells - and it sounds like apologising for upsetting him.
I've got into a similar relationship in the past and it didn't get better. I wouldn't make that mistake again. Whatever has happened to him is pretty irrelevant, you need to decide how you want to be treated. Don't slip into feeling sorry for him and putting up with things you shouldn't put up with. Good luck OP

There's a high chance he'll shut down completely if you make him think you're judging him for blaming his mother.

Were I you I'd make this about both your expectations and make clear that you're not ever going to be his therapist, and you won't tolerate misogyny. You will lose him if you start off like this, though; it sounds like he'd kept it all to himself before, so you start with asking why he's started opening up now.

I may be way off here but he seems to be implying his father had a hand in his mother's death and she would still be alive if she had left. I'm not sure what you think was misogynist - that he blames her at all?

Because blaming the victim is how a child rationalizes truths that are too painful to process, like their father potentially doing something that led to his mother falling down the stairs. Children who have witnessed domestic abuse often blame the victim, it's a well-known coping mechanism and doesn't have anything to do with their beliefs about equality. It's a slippery slope though - it can go so far as the children internalizing the abuser's mindset to cope.

Going in you should remember you both probably now regret that talk. He might be regretting having shared this with you, and you're regretting having asked. He might feel he's being "punished" for finally being vulnerable, and that feels like a kick in the teeth. You're shocked by what he said and having doubts. The way forward is complete honesty - and if he expects you to walk around on eggshells around him or you feel he's not willing to work on his trauma, you know you will have made the right decision walking away.

He sounds very traumatised and not at all over his childhood experiences. That doesn't mean he's necessarily a bad partner but it is a massive complicating factor.

I didn't know that about children experiencing DV. It was just that I was shocked by the complete change in him.
I don't want to walk away - I just don't fully understand what it is that I'm supposed to do. But this has given me some good idea how to address it so thank you.

That's a fundamental trauma, and his reaction almost certainly has nothing to do with misogyny but some rationalisation he's made at some point to help him deal with it, and, by the sounds of it, define blame (though even then, that sounds shared).

Like any relationship, you can choose to leave whenever you like, but if it was me, I'd probably side with empathy.

That's not a given a child blaming the victim
Mum and I were battered,I saw heard,experienced thing no child should.
Not once have I laid that at mum's doorstep.
After 50yrs with help I've reconciled the past.

It's a tricky situation. I'd want to know whether he's internalized the acts of the perpetrator as justified to make sense of them to the point that it's his mindset - if he blames women in general for example.

Initially the motivation to blame the victim in itself is entirely innocent and coming from a place of helplessness and probably guilt for not having saved his mother. His outburst might have masked his real feelings when in truth he's blaming himself. Perhaps he wasn't prepared for how it felt to tell you and wanted to shut the conversation down.

But you have to decide whether he's worth the learning to understand where he's coming from. Judging him will probably make him shut down completely. It can be an opportunity to forge a deeper connection but it's not for everyone. He can still be a misogynist bastard ofc, trauma doesn't discriminate and trauma is no excuse to treat others badly.

You should not have to tiptoe around him either way, he needs to work on this if he still feels so strongly about what happened. Good luck!

He has poor emotional regulation skills. Don’t blame yourself for asking the questions that triggered him, his reactions to you are on him. If he had better self awareness he would have registered his discomfort building and said something simple like “ sorry I don’t want to talk about this, can we change the subject/ u can feel myself getting upset, i’m taking 5 minutes to calm down” instead of shouting and swearing. I predict as he gets more comfortable you’ll see this side of him more and more. Make sure your own boundaries are strong, tell him you don’t like it and will give him space if you see that side of him again.

Please, for the love of Mike, do not stay with this man. He had a seriously traumatic childhood, and could go off like that again. Especially with his attitude towards blaming his mother for her own death by 'falling down the stairs'.

So he questioned why his mum didn’t leave blaming her, and you are thinking of staying?

Can you join the dots @Felidea

You stay and whatever happens it’s your fault for not leaving.

7 months. And already this.

It's not about joining the dots. As I said it was completely out of character which is why it threw me so much. And I don't want to break up with him because he's been great, but I don't know what happened at that moment and whether it was my fault! Why are people so mean if you ask a question

No matter what you ask, or what ever his childhood experiences, his outburst would be a red flag and make me reconsider the relationship. 7 months in, the honeymoon phase is over. The cloak may fall and true colours may be revealed.