Advice for conversation following BF's angry outburst

[Felidea]

Seeking some opinions on situation with my boyfriend of 7 months. It's been great and he's been a really great and caring partner and I definitely feel strongly about him. I know that he had a traumatic childhood although he never wanted to talk about it much and I did not pry. 2 days ago he did share some details with me and it was honestly heart breaking and I could see that he was upset and went quiet again. I wasn't sure what he wanted to I asked him if he wanted to talk it and he shrugged and I had no idea what to do and asked him some questions and he suddenly got really angry and spat out some pretty misogynistic crap about the person who he claimed to have loved just moments earlier. It was terrifying because it happened so quickly but then left again.

I've never seen him behave like this, and he is usually super chill about things, so I can only assume that he is still grieving a lot and that I probably shouldn't have asked him things. He apologised later and we then pretended that this had never happened but I am still thinking about the horrible things that he said because it was 100% not like him.

I feel awful saying this but it's made me question the relationship. I could see that it was grief and I want to be there for him if it helps but the shift was awful and scared me because I saw a completely different side.

So yeah, just wondering if someone has any suggestions on how to discuss this elephant in the room without sounding too judgemental or non caring.

Agree with this completely. With all respect for someone with traumatic experience, some things are just unacceptable. His misogyny already seeps into your relationship in a very subtle way that's almost too subtle to notice - you already feel as though it is your responsibility to "fix him". Which it isn't. There are trained professionals to do that.
You will continue feeling responsible every time he pushes this invisible line further and further. Until this misogyny seeps into every aspect of your relationship and becomes normalised. Then you will be too affected to leave. And that's how they get you.
Yes, he may well have been caring in early stages, they all are. That, unfortunately, is not an indication of what sort of a partner he will be going forward. His beliefs are, though.

Op you are not his therapist. There are experts with a clutch of phds who barely even understand this sort of stuff. And they wouldn’t even be expected to listen to his sexist rantings, especially not a female. You’re not qualified to handle him and you’re already taking on ownership. He is going to make YOU feel like a monster for recognising the danger you are in.

No it was not your fault he reacted like that, and with such anger and appalling views.

There is a side to him that he's kept deeply buried and hidden during the relationship so far. Now you've seen what he can be like, then surely you have to realise that he could behave like that again.

"Fwiw I totally accept that my questions triggered this but I wasn't sure what he wanted, and I know not to do that again to anyone. "

He's training you to put up with violent behaviour, OP.

And this response shows you're susceptible to being trained.

That aggressive behaviour will soon be directed at you.

Nope.
Not your fault
He could have walked away or said calmly "i dont want to talk about this"

"it was completely out of character which is why it threw me so much"

You've known him for 7 months. What you've seen is his mask, OP. It's a mask to lull you into dropping your defences and trust him.

What you saw is actually the REAL him. He dropped his mask.

Now you're defending him and thinking you caused his outburst.

OP, you're at the beginning of an abusive relationship that will harm you severely. These relationships start exactly like this.

The following is a post by a woman online some 15 years ago, and it keeps being disseminated because it describes EXACTLY how emotional abuse works:

“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special.
Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So, you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the ‘offensive’ parts of your personality. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault.”

https://www.open.edu/openlearncreate/mod/oucontent/view.php?id=151748&section=7

Think clearly, OP.

My father's mother died when he was 18 months old and his Dad arranged for him to be brought up by a married aunt who had not been able to have kids. He felt a deep sense of abandonment and I would go as far as to say he hated his father, who had honestly tried to do the right thing and stayed in regular close contact. I think those who have had 'ordinary' upbringings struggle to realise the powerful emotions of adults who were left in this way as children.

I had plenty of trauma in my life and have never used it as an excuse for my behaviour towards people who are dear to me. Every now and then my boyfriend says something or does something which I find very triggering. Not once have I had a violent outburst. I simply say "this isn't on you but this conversation is triggering some unpleasant emotions. Let's take a break from this until I can process them and pick this up later". And that is all it takes - self awareness, self regulations and not making you partner walk on eggshells or blaming themselves.

Ask him what you should and shouldn’t say. If this matters to you in your relationship eg that you want long term and want to know more so you can know him better then tell him that and ask you can be involved. Everyone’s experience is different and is also different based on each relationship. Only he can guide you to help him. Do some research that may help but only he can tell you what he needs and he may not know.

It’s not, but for instance, if he was abused as a child, and after talking about it, some bile came out about his, for instance, mother, then it’s perhaps a little different to something casually said.

That doesn’t mean it’s ok or that you would necessarily choose to be in a relationship with that person, but the reason for it might be understandable.

Editing to add, now that I’ve read the OP’s responses, this is the case and is understandable.

Yes, this.

In terms of my father - who was damaged by his mother's death and separation from his father, my own mother hoped that she - as a loyal and loving partner - could heal him. But the damage was too deep. He could behave in angry, and violently destructive ways that hurt others and drove almost everyone away.

My own mother's health and happiness suffered.

I am not sure that I believe we can always behave nicely, if we have experienced terrible stuff in the past. When I am under certain kinds of pressure, the rage and distress is overwhelming and I too can say destructive things. But I have, mostly, got better at dealing with old difficulties.

My DH has complex trauma from childhood abuse and has had angry outbursts that can be frightening. It has taken a lot of work on his part but he now recognises that they are not acceptable and can understand the impact on others (a physical abuse victim doesn't always recognise the impact of verbal abuse). He is also now able to retain control but can on occasion still get triggered.

Your partner is likely to have outbursts again in future and it is good that he is in therapy but you need to be clear that he needs to work on it if you are to stick around.

Children who witness DV, especially male children, can often absorb the attitudes and behaviours of the abuser. It’s likely a very complex issue for him, and it may be that intellectually he doesn’t agree with those attitudes but has subconsciously absorbed them through witnessing them in his father and they surface when triggered.

If it were me I’d address the misogynist attitudes by saying I understand he has a complex history, but for me those attitudes towards women, any woman, make me feel unsafe. That I need to understand if this is what he really believes or they just surface in times of stress. I would be very reluctant to remain in a relationship with someone who wasn’t very clear about the fact that those attitudes are not OK. If not, he clearly has a lot more work to do in therapy.

@Felidea What comes out of someone’s mouth when they are angry is an insight into their mind, i know there is past trauma here but i think you may have just got a glimpse of the future too, imagine if you ever gave him a reason to be angry at you, do you think he would relay that misogynistic crap and aim it at you. I think he might. You have to make your own mind up.

This is a good time for his mask to drop and he starts showing you the real him.
He had an aggressive outburst and you're still with him so now he knows that you'll put up with it

He is a broken bird you can't fix him because you're not a therapist. This guy will just drag you down and blame you and you will be abused

He already knows you like him so you're going to stick around and put up with his nonsense because you think that you can fix this broken bird and then he'll be the perfect partner. that's the trap

He won't be the perfect partner ever

I think people are assuming he said something incredibly hurtful and mysogynistic about you to you "someone he had said he loved a few minutes earlier". That is colouring people's replies. But reading your posts I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that what shocked you was that he said angry/mysogynistic things about his own mother. That puts a different light on it because while clearly he has issues I don't think those issues are necessarily secret mysogyny. Anger at a person for leaving you is a very normal part of grief. It's not rational to blame someone for dying. But I have lost people as an adult and been shocked at how angry I was with them. If he lost his mother at a young age it's normal he will feel angry at her for abandoning him, and have found reasons to make it her fault to rationalise his feelings. He needs therapy basically and to talk to someone with the emotional distance and training to work through it. You can be there for him of course. If he is taking out his issues on you/using it as an excuse to be bad tempered without trying to get to the root of the problem then that's not OK. But I don't think blaming his mother for dying is mysogyny/a red flag in itself.

Having had a very traumatic childhood myself (9/10 ACES) I understand the anger outbursts. I suffered from them until about age 30 however I regulated them as much as I could they would occasionally happen maybe once a year (slamming a door really hard etc) if triggered by a memory. They settled down of their own accord.

If the relationship is good I think it is worth, once the dust has settled, just talking to him about that. Maybe just saying 'it sounds like that experience with your mum was really hard and I'm here for you, but I got scared by your anger and I want you to be okay'. He is still seeing it as a child: that it could have been prevented when it couldn't have been (if it was an accident and not murder/assault). This is called magical thinking and happens a lot in trauma/grief.

I think it's worth letting him know you were scared. You will be able to judge by his response whether he is a keeper or not. If he gets angry, sarcastic, defensive when you let him know he frightened you: probably consider leaving.

Like many trauma survivors, he will have a huge amount of bottled up and probably unconscious rage that will explode when the need arises. He will take it out on those closest to him, namely you.

Having been in a relationship like this once, I would say get out while you can. It will get worse. Therapy doesnt always help and it's limited anyway. He will rely on your kindness and attempts to understand, but your safety in a relationship is paramount. As he feels more confident that you won't leave him he will let his pain out more and more in the form of anger. Please don't stay.

People are warning you that “he’s been great” is a mask and “out of character” is what shows when that mask is removed.

People are warning you that his misogynistic blaming of his mother for staying is a test, and you questioning “whether it was my fault” is you showing him that he can treat you as his father treated his mother and it will be your fault.

This is the very opposite of people being mean. If you do not at the very least draw a hard boundary with him about his misogyny now, it will get worse.

7 months is a short time for you to have decided that you want fixing him to be your life’s project.

No it wasn't your fault, how could it be? You're allowed to ask questions and not expect a sudden terrifying personality change.

You keeps saying it's not like him but it actually is, it's a part of him you hadn't seen up until now.

You are already blaming yourself and feeling responsible for his lack of emotional regulation and self control.

This is a slippery slope to him blaming you for all sorts of things that are not your fault and you accepting that blame, such a miserable way to live.

He lost his mum and he blames her for leaving him, I think that's quite common in those circumstances. I don't think it's misogyny just anger and hitting out at the person that broke his heart by dying.

@Felidea honestjy op I’d be careful staying with him. Just because he is effected by his past doesn’t mean as an adult he shouldn’t have learned how to behave.
Will he react like this with you in the future and blame out bursts on his past . By the time you are an adult you have to be accountable for your actions.Id worry the usually calm him was a mask and he has some anger issues .
Also it sounds like you are too scared to talk to him about it . You shouldn’t be scared in a relationship.
I think you need to watch very closely and any new signs of worry then leave.

If you were my dd or best friend I’d say break up with him.

This book explains trauma and how it affects people.

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748?tag=smbravukmstens-21

So he was mad and mean about the mother he loved dearly and feels didn't leave and protect herself and also him? I think that's an expected response in this situation. Doesn't sound like he was nasty to you as such.