Husbands brother is an emotional bully towards me

[Pinkflamingobird]

Husband’s brother is an emotional bully towards me. He makes false accusations against me which aren’t true and also calls me controlling!

I fell down some stairs on Saturday and injured myself in front of my children, hubby was out with the bully and had to come back and look after our children so I could get medical help, then he had a call from the bully who said I did it on purpose!

I suffer from epilepsy and had a seizure while on a night out years ago, the bully was out with us and the next day instead of asking how I was said i did it on purpose, how, I mean how!!

My husband is influenced by him and after speaking to him asked me if the stair fall was it an accident, I was gobsmacked!!

The bully won’t apologise for his false accusations and I’m sick of it!! It’s been accusation after accusation.. and hubby won’t stand up to him as he’s terrified of falling out with him again.

Don’t get me wrong they’ve had conversations about it, but hubby seems unable to grow balls and actually tell him what he is doing is wrong, that it’s unfair, it’s hurtful, it’s not right, etc etc..

Now the bully doesn’t want anymore to do with me, well good but the hurt and the stress he’s brought to me is awful!!

I’m now mentally unwell with all the stress and grief it’s caused me not only from his accusations but having argument after argument with hubby because hubby don’t feel bully has done much wrong and states he’s entitled to have an opinion.

So now hubby just wants to carry on with him alone without me seeing him like nothing has happened.. so the bully gets away with it!!

Now i just feel like I’m sitting here watching from the outside instead of being backed up by husband and that hurts mostly because I feel husband is just totally dismissing my feelings.

We are going to marriage counselling tomorrow and tbh I don’t know if I can continue with the marriage if hubby isn’t prepared to back my corner and end this toxic relationship with the bully.. I get it’s his brother but I’m his wife and the bully has really hurt me, and damaged my relationship with my husband..

Very tempting but I’m hoping that the marriage counselling will bring the light to his eyes and he will see the bigger picture.

I can’t throw him out because he owns half our house, so we would have to go down the legal route should the counselling not work.

I’ve suggested he stays with his loving brother for a couple of days, or even his dad, just to give us some space for things to simmer down, but he isn’t interested.

I don’t think he has ever accepted me. Most likely due to jealousy, even though he has his own wife and got married and had kids before us!

He will be as nice as pie to my face it’s almost has me fooled but then give this guy a keyboard and boom!! The bullying has been ongoing since before we were married 21yrs ago..

We fall out, and DH and him start talking again and the bullying starts up again, mostly aimed at me, then its history repeating itself all over and over again

But why tf would he think you deliberately threw yourself down the stairs?

I don’t even get why that’s a thing he would say, it’s so random! Like to be controlling and get your DH to come home? Or a cry for help with the kids or what?

OP I think your mental health would improve immeasurably if you end the marriage. Your husband doesn't care about your feelings. Leave him to his scummy family and file for divorce.

Chiming in just to say I relate. My BIL is a massive bully and has always treated me, my child, and frankly, DH, like crap. BIL is also a few years younger than my DH. For years, if I pointed out something BIL said or did, DH immediately ran to his brother's defense. It nearly led to divorce many, many times. Therapy, all of it. I was always having to explain myself while DH just naturally sided with his brother or even went so far as to deny my accusations.

There came a point where the brother did something SO terrible that I finally told my DH if he didn't say something to his brother, I would. My DH was unwilling, and told me to go ahead and do it. So I did, quite spectacularly, as this was years of pent up anger and extreme anger over his latest and worst stunt. My BIL reacted with a huge tantrum directed at my DH, name calling me and finally showing his true colors to my DH, and needless to say, my DH finally saw the light. But the damage had been done. Anytime to this day that my husband sees his brother, which is rare and only for family obligations, I am deeply, deeply triggered.

I agree that you have a DH problem. What will it take for him to show you loyalty?

Does DH have any other friends who can talk to him about it? Perhaps some outside perspective may help him realise how out of order his bro is acting?

Hubby has gone for drinks with his dad tonight

I overheard DH and his dad talking that DH dad will let Simon know they are setting off to the pub.

This feels an ultimate betrayal, after everything discussed today at counselling, he’s now pulled this stunt! Where do we even go from here?

Tbh it’s horrible. To think I would do that to my children. Traumatise them. Why he thinks that is beyond my understanding. I guess cos he thinks I’m controlling

He’s made that obvious tonight, he has been sly and gone for drink with his dad, he said it was just going to be the two of them.. but I now know his bully brother is going to be there too, cos I overheard them talking when DH’s dad picked him up.

His actions have helped me now realise he doesn’t give a monkeys about how I’m feeling! I’m going to leave them to it now he’s made his choice.

And here was me thinking counselling may help us, when he isn’t even prepared to make an effort!!

Completely agree. Husband sounds spineless.

It’s hard when you’ve invested this much time into it but why throw good time after bad? You’re wasting your opportunity to be happy with a respectful partner 😔

Sorry OP but I think not being married to this spineless gobshite will improve your life immensely.

I wonder if we got the brother's pov, ehether he's desperately trying to support his brother who's in a possibly controlling relationship. Maybe not, but there are a couple of red flags in your posts, OP. I don't think this relationship is making anyone happy, anyway, and I really hope you can find a way forward.

Thank you for your reply.

I’m sorry you had to go through something similar with your BIL. It’s awful isn’t it however it sounds like you’ve had a happier ending.. something I don’t think I’ll get after tonight’s stunt.

DH seeing his dad tonight for a drink, he told me it was just going to be him and his dad however I’ve now learnt that the bully brother is there too.

We went for counselling today and I actually thought are we making progress only for DH to lie to my face. He had the opportunity to tell me when I got back then he left with his dad.

I over heard them talking in the living room, that’s how i know, they don’t know that i know as I’m done trying.

God only knows what they are spouting about me, I’m sat here in disbelief that he can do something like this to me after everything we’ve discussed today at counselling!!

What’s the actual point of counselling if he is just going to lie to my face and do what he wants anyway.. knowing the pain it is causing me..

In his defence it could have been DH’s dad that invited bully brother, but hubby knew this before he left the house with him, and still went.

Sadly I think my marriage is now over.

I’m sorry OP. This sounds like a horrid situation.
like others have said, regardless of how BIL/FIL behave you need to think about how your DH behaves. This is a DH problem. It’s possibly rooted in his family upbringing and will be hard to change him. He may well never change.
you just need to go NC with his family, don’t even talk about them with DH, other than in the counselling sessions. Do this while you decide what you want to do. Get all your ducks in a row - paperwork- money etc
what you are saying is that BIL has been like this with you for years. It’s become the norm. DH won’t understand that this time is different, this time you’ve had enough and know you deserve more. At some point he may realise and at that point he may change. For years BIL has done this to you, DH has minimised his behaviour and yet you’ve stayed. He expects it to be the status quo.
make sure your calm and rational about what you decide. It may well be the end of the relationship. Due to co parenting DH will still be in your life to an extent but the others need not be.

I hope that you get some strength from this therapy. I think that if the therapist is any good, she will suggest you see her alone without your husband.

I think you are downplaying your husbands abuse tbh. He clearly is talking shit about you to his family and that's why his brother doesn't like you. He's certainly not telling him to back off, and he sees his brother as a more important relationship than you.
He saw you distressed and in tears at therapy and he still hasn't checked in with you.

I think you aren't going to be able to open his eyes and suddenly he will realise that you are a human being with feelings worthy of respect.

I think he's playing you off against each other and you are too frightened of change to stand up and realise that your husband is the common denominator here. He's immature and you deserve better.