Husbands brother is an emotional bully towards me

[Pinkflamingobird]

Husband’s brother is an emotional bully towards me. He makes false accusations against me which aren’t true and also calls me controlling!

I fell down some stairs on Saturday and injured myself in front of my children, hubby was out with the bully and had to come back and look after our children so I could get medical help, then he had a call from the bully who said I did it on purpose!

I suffer from epilepsy and had a seizure while on a night out years ago, the bully was out with us and the next day instead of asking how I was said i did it on purpose, how, I mean how!!

My husband is influenced by him and after speaking to him asked me if the stair fall was it an accident, I was gobsmacked!!

The bully won’t apologise for his false accusations and I’m sick of it!! It’s been accusation after accusation.. and hubby won’t stand up to him as he’s terrified of falling out with him again.

Don’t get me wrong they’ve had conversations about it, but hubby seems unable to grow balls and actually tell him what he is doing is wrong, that it’s unfair, it’s hurtful, it’s not right, etc etc..

Now the bully doesn’t want anymore to do with me, well good but the hurt and the stress he’s brought to me is awful!!

I’m now mentally unwell with all the stress and grief it’s caused me not only from his accusations but having argument after argument with hubby because hubby don’t feel bully has done much wrong and states he’s entitled to have an opinion.

So now hubby just wants to carry on with him alone without me seeing him like nothing has happened.. so the bully gets away with it!!

Now i just feel like I’m sitting here watching from the outside instead of being backed up by husband and that hurts mostly because I feel husband is just totally dismissing my feelings.

We are going to marriage counselling tomorrow and tbh I don’t know if I can continue with the marriage if hubby isn’t prepared to back my corner and end this toxic relationship with the bully.. I get it’s his brother but I’m his wife and the bully has really hurt me, and damaged my relationship with my husband..

I do sometimes but sometimes I’m that tired I haven’t got the energy. DH seems to do a lot more than I do in regards to socialising, but I’m ok with that.. I don’t really have a massive circle of friends anymore as my life is pretty much about the kids now and meeting their needs so find myself doing mostly activities around the kids, playgroups, parks, soft-play, etc..

I have a very occasional night out thrown in every blue moon but I’ve been trying to change that and get out a bit more.. At 46 it seems very difficult to make new friends but I’m hoping to get out on a social event at the end of the month, sadly though DH wants to go out the same evening so we will have to find a babysitter otherwise I may have to miss it.

DH should stay home. It's your turn to go out and meet people on this rare occasion. That is the very minimum you should accept.

You need to start putting yourself first. You have an event - you get priority.

are you having your own counselling? Unfortunately you can change the bully, you can’t change your H, only thing you can do it work on yourself here. I think you might need to come to terms with the fact that your H won’t change.

Having read your last two comments, your BIL is a side quest, the main issue here is that your husband is an absolute arsehole.

I’m very sorry.

I don't really know what to say to you OP. This man is no prize but with FIVE SEN kids you've not got a lot of options and he knows it.

Yeah you’re right. I have an telephone call at the end of the month from healthy minds, sadly it’s right in half term so I’m not sure how much chance I’ll actually get to talk.. as all the kids will be at home and they haven’t even stated what time they are calling and I’m unable to get in touch with them as it’s a seperate service to the GP

Yes it’s a horrible situation. I either have to accept his relationship with my abuser, or somehow manage on my own, which would be a massive struggle.

DH now just wants to carry on with me like nothing has happened but I can’t even look him in the eye, I don’t know how he can be so loyal to this brother knowing how he has treat me is disgusting. Family or not.

OP, I know you find what your BIL says about you to your husband very upsetting, and I'm sorry for that. It's never nice to be told that someone doesn't have a good opinion of you.

What I would question is why your husband is telling you all this shit that his brother says. Why is he coming home and telling you "And Fred says you chucked yourself down the stairs on purpose"?

That's just really weird and I would question his motives for doing so.

One other thing I wanted to say is that a vital piece of wisdom I didn't get until I was in my 40s is...
"Other people's opinions of me are none of my business."