Husbands brother is an emotional bully towards me

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Husband’s brother is an emotional bully towards me. He makes false accusations against me which aren’t true and also calls me controlling!

I fell down some stairs on Saturday and injured myself in front of my children, hubby was out with the bully and had to come back and look after our children so I could get medical help, then he had a call from the bully who said I did it on purpose!

I suffer from epilepsy and had a seizure while on a night out years ago, the bully was out with us and the next day instead of asking how I was said i did it on purpose, how, I mean how!!

My husband is influenced by him and after speaking to him asked me if the stair fall was it an accident, I was gobsmacked!!

The bully won’t apologise for his false accusations and I’m sick of it!! It’s been accusation after accusation.. and hubby won’t stand up to him as he’s terrified of falling out with him again.

Don’t get me wrong they’ve had conversations about it, but hubby seems unable to grow balls and actually tell him what he is doing is wrong, that it’s unfair, it’s hurtful, it’s not right, etc etc..

Now the bully doesn’t want anymore to do with me, well good but the hurt and the stress he’s brought to me is awful!!

I’m now mentally unwell with all the stress and grief it’s caused me not only from his accusations but having argument after argument with hubby because hubby don’t feel bully has done much wrong and states he’s entitled to have an opinion.

So now hubby just wants to carry on with him alone without me seeing him like nothing has happened.. so the bully gets away with it!!

Now i just feel like I’m sitting here watching from the outside instead of being backed up by husband and that hurts mostly because I feel husband is just totally dismissing my feelings.

We are going to marriage counselling tomorrow and tbh I don’t know if I can continue with the marriage if hubby isn’t prepared to back my corner and end this toxic relationship with the bully.. I get it’s his brother but I’m his wife and the bully has really hurt me, and damaged my relationship with my husband..

Will I be the first to say you have a husband problem. Your H and his brother are dicks.

It’s a husband problem, sorry!

Two peas in a pod. Sounds like your husband has the same opinions if he won't tell him to pack it in.

Make sure it gets bought up in the marriage counselling. Why does his brother seems to have such a hold over him?

Sounds like the brother is used to bullying your DH too. If he won’t grow a spine, I’d be reconsidering the marriage.

You are married to the problem.

Yep, you have a DH problem. He's not bothered that his brother behaves like this. I wouldn't want to continue in a marriage with someone who doesn't have my back and is not prepared to stand up for me 🤷‍♀️

Referring to his brother’s constant accusations towards you as him “having an opinion” is… really something. They seem to have a rather toxic relationship.

Please update on how the counseling goes. Hopefully they will be able to tackle this with him and get him to start seeing how big of a problem it is.

Has you BIL always behaved like this with you or has something triggered it? You mention he and your DH have previously fallen out, was this related to you in some way?

You know, quite often, people who accuse others of lying are projecting their own behaviour onto others. So your brother in law is probably accusing you of stuff he has done himself, because he thinks its normal to lie about things as that's what he does.
They sound like a truly toxic family, you should run a mile in my opinion.

Cor blimey, so you want to blame the OP, do you? Victim blaming much.

Went to couples therapy today and I literally broke down in front of therapist and husband, all the pain it’s caused, my husband attitude with it all, it’s all just gotten too much.

My husband and I have not really said two words to each other since the therapy but I’m letting him have his space now.

Husband is meeting up with his dad tonight on his own for drinks at a local pub, I’m not sure if the brother will be there or not..

I have asked husband to keep our marriage private and to speak to his own therapist or someone neutral should he need to lean on someone, but whether he will keep things private I don’t know.. Him speaking to his other family members I feel isn’t neutral, as they’ll always have each other backs.

I’ve also got in touch with my GP to make them aware I’m suffering badly with my mental health, so I’m awaiting a phone call from them with an appointment.

He sounds like a really nasty person and your husband is failing to support you and have your back. That your husband is questioning your fall down the stairs at the encouragement of his brother is a huge red flag.
I presume your children told your husband what happened yet he chose to be led by his brother over believing his own children. You need to protect yourself and your children.

You should be very clear at marriage guidance that his relationship with you and your children should be the primary and if necessary the only relationship. If he cannot do that then make it clear there is no future together. He can then enjoy his brother full time.
Are there other family members involved or just his brother?
What ages are your children and why would he want them to take responsibility for you?

Sounds like he enjoys stirring and having control over your DH. Is he older than your DH?

Has he always been a bastard to you?

Do you think he might be jealous that you’re married to his brother?

I’m guessing bully doesn’t have a DP?

Sadly the children didn’t witness the fall and because they are SEN can’t really describe what happened due to being non verbal and limited verbal.

We have 5 children, 4 are SEN.

It’s just the brother who is involved, but his dad thinks I’m wrong for trying to stop the relationship with husband and his brother. His dad is also the brother father so I don’t feel this is a neutral opinion.

I haven’t told husband that he can’t have a relationship with his brother, but firstly I’d just like an apology from the brother and going forwards for him to keep his opinions to himself or if he can’t do that then speak to me directly about them instead of using my husband as the middle man, triangulation.

The brother is refusing to apologise, and wants no more to do with me.. Hubby just wants to stay out of it and see him alone like nothing has happened

My DH bully brother is a few years younger than my husband but my husband is very influenced by him due to then bully being much more confident.

The bully has a wife of his own but we don’t speak to her or see her as she doesn’t like either of us.

The bully has kept grudges against me for over 21yrs, bringing things up that happened as far back as 2004.. Jelouse is a possibility.

Yes the fall outs have been for similar reasons, bullying toward me, but now DH seems to have had enough and wants to have a relationship with his brother despite him being a bully.

It’s not just what the brother has done anymore, it’s about how DH has tackled it, he hasn’t had my back this time and has chosen the route to just stay out of it.

Yet he wants to continue seeing brother like he’s done no wrong.. and that hurts, cos where does it leave me carrying all this pain..

It’s cos they grew up together and have childhood memories together

This has gone on for 21 years!

Time to pack hubby's bags. Tell him he's free to enjoy his emotionally incestuous relationship with his brother in peace but you're out.

Nothing will change.

I bet your mental health will improve if you seperate. A husband should support you not undermine you.

Got to agree with this! ⬆️ Your DH is no support, let him go, I'd grab his bags and throw them out the door for you. He might wake up when he's pushed away but don't put up with this any longer, you need peace in your life

You’re not acknowledging that your husband is the problem. Not the bully.

Such an awful situation to be in. So sorry you're going through this. I thought it was that the bully was the older one and had bullied dh when they were younger and it's continued.
Your dh is never going to have your back. Disloyalty is a big issue for me. My ex wouldn't have my back with strangers and friends/work colleagues weirdly enough. It's hurtful and not expected.
Doesn't look like he will change even with therapy if he can't see it.
Id reconsider the marriage however with 4 out of 5 dcs with SEN that's a lot for a single parent to cope with. However your mh is already suffering. I don't know what the answer is but I hope you get some support in rl and just wanted to say that I really feel for you.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and decide: you or the bully.
If he isnt prepared to put you first you need to seek legal advice from a solicitor

Not at all just trying to understand if something has kicked this all off or if he’s always been a tw@t