Husband on the spectrum seems uninterested when I talk to him

[Johanna19]

When I’m talking my husband will sometimes cut me off before I’ve even finished and say he don’t need to know. This sounds incredibly rude when I write it down … but in truth he’s on the spectrum so if he has the information he needs then he doesn’t see the need to then add to it. I’ve been really accommodating over the years, but I really want him to take more of an interest and listen to my stories and general chit chat. Often he will just look at me in silence when I am talking and won’t engage as I haven’t asked a question. And even when I actually say that I’d like him to take a bit more interest in what I’m saying, he still don’t really ask me anything or engage with me. It’s starting to make me feel like he is uncomfortable being around me, or that he’s just not particularly interested in talking to me, which I’m finding strange and upsetting.
I’m not expecting him to be fascinated by everything I say, and I know sometimes he is tired or has other things on his mind. I’d just like to feel that he is interested in me and in the little things I want to tell him. I feel he is lacking social skills and it’s getting worse. Communicating how I feel with him just doesn’t work. I’m at a loss! I’m 50 this year and don’t want to continue feeling like a stranger in my own relationship. Thoughts very much welcomed please.

But presumably he has always been like this?

Well, I think you’ve got it right: he’s just not interested in what you’ve got to say (on the spectrum or not). I’m not actually sure what a relationship ‘consists’ of if you’re not even talking to or listening to each other.

He sounds plain rude to me.

I think my husband does this sometimes, but I also chat a lot of shit so I don’t blame him.

To a degree but it has certainly got a lot worse as he’s let his guard down and stopped masking.

To a degree but it has certainly got a lot worse as he’s let his guard down and stopped masking.

Yeah he’s just not that interested. I can zone out a lot when I am not interested and if someone talks at me, I’ve no chance of remembering any of it. If he’s on the spectrum I doubt it’s his fault.

There is a long running support thread that you may find interesting.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5532823-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-nd-support-thread-18?page=1

I don't think there is one right or wrong way of talking with people. But it is a compatability issue. You both have and want different communication styles and yours is the more common. Is he aware how unhappy it is making you and is he prepared to make any changes? If not then only you can decide if it is a deal breaker.

He won't change. You need to get that fix somewhere else and find other ways to connect with him.

Also, get a diagnosis, if not already. It can help. It has us - 29 yrs married, oh has been diagnosed 16yrs.

How on earth do these men find spouses?

I myself am probably ND (kids are), and I was talking to someone about this myself. I find that I miss the usual cues for conversation, and will talk about my day with someone and rarely remember to ask ‘how was your day?’ And ‘did you do anything fun last weekend?’. I expect them to just talk and tell me about their day without being ‘invited’. Over the years I have learnt this is why I don’t have friends, especially now that masking has been tough.

I think it is easier for me to talk to my children, they ‘get’ me. They also talk at me, and I talk at them (occasionally we talk about the same things). We don’t do small talk very well, and stick to the subjects that are important to us. They too would be unwilling to talk about a subject they would not be interested in, and would not respond. I think that by almost badgering him to talk to you about a subject he clearly isn’t interested in might not work well (in my experience), and might explain why he is being distant.

My husband also cuts me off mid-sentence when he knows what I want to say, and this also drives me up the wall. I tell him it is rude, he tells me I am waffling on.

I think he is just ND and this would be normal in our house. You both have different needs and communication styles.

If he’s capable of masking and didn’t used to be like this then it’s perfectly reasonable to tell him he’s being rude and it hurts your feelings. I say that as someone with autism and I also have a son with complex severe autism, who attends a specialist school. I readily admit chit chat bores me senseless but I wouldn’t dream of behaving like your dh.

Thank you for sharing. X

It’s hard to be interested in something that you can’t conceptualise, can’t imagine. How do you respond to something that you don’t have a visual or emotional representation of. He has no output to your input and that’s literally what he’s doing, when you press this button there is no output. If you press a button he has a known output then you will get a response. They really struggle with theory of mind, they don’t know what you are talking about or what you want to hear. Also if you haven’t asked a question then you haven’t even pressed an appropriate button. If you press this button I find in my own case my H is the most responsive person. No point beating around the bush as you won’t get anywhere, there have extremely narrow margins, outside of this and you’ll get nothing. This is in my family though.

I have said to mine can you bullet point this because I’m finding it tedious.

We will both say if we are not interested and offence isn’t taken.

My immediate thought is what’s the chit chat, two of my sisters are in to stuff on the tv that I’m not interested in at all. If I’m with them both I dread it if they get in to it.

DH and I are totally honest with each other about likes and dislikes, I like it.

My dh struggles unless there is a ‘point’ to the conversation, general discussion, debate, speculation all annoy him. I find it hard to only
talk to transfer information. Sometimes he looks at me confused as to why I’m talking. Not because he expects me to stop but because he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with that information (or lack of information)
I’ve tried to explain that the point is because I like to talk and connect that way and i like him to know about my day and my life, and that even if he’s not interested in the restaurant I went to or my friends or whatever he is interested in me, so please try to half pay attention and chuck me the odd question or reaction, so he tries to engage a bit more now. I also try to keep it a bit shorter and also keep the more benign chit chat or hypothetical discussions to my friends as a compromise from my side.

It's really down to you how much you can tolerate it, or what tradeoffs there are, or if any workarounds are feasible.

I don't think it's worth trying to get this kind of person to change, as they won't.

I have ND traits and I know I struggle with the "flow" of two way conversations. I can do them but I'm definitely not a natural!

A lot of my social experiences have been in ND proximite spaces.

It's fairly common to observe people:

• Unable to process new information or nuances or subtleties

• Not knowing when it's appropriate to talk or having "rules" about when to talk and getting very anxious and agitated about saying the correct thing.

• Info dumping or hyper focussing on one inappropriate thing. So if you said you'd seen someone hit by a car they'd focus on analysing how you'd said a word wrong.

• At the extreme end, being unable to process anything new and "filling in the gaps" with thoughts.

Some people have quite limited conversational scripts as a coping technique. So they have the same things they say all the time but can't respond to new conversation in a timely way.

I love my ND crew!

But it can often be incredibly lonely and draining if you want to be personally heard and understood.

Maybe you could get your conversation from somewhere else and find some activity you could do with DH to bond.

My dh is like this, he’s not ND he is “just” bored by everything I have to say. He used to do a better job of pretending (clearly, else I wouldn’t have married him) and I guess I used to waffle less, or perhaps less annoyingly?

Whether it’s politics, or purchasing decisions, or our kids, or anything - he’d prefer I share the bare minimum. Sometimes he just walks off whilst I’m talking! He also no longer bothers to pretend he’s interested in spending time with me, so if I suggest finding a film or TV series to watch together, he always says no.

Weirdly enough I’m so used to it now, it doesn’t bother me at all. If I was going to leave him I’d have done it by now. I have learned to just get along without much conversation and if I’m careful not to overshare we get along just fine.

Oh I would add - just occasionally I organise something or something happens that he only finds out about later. He will always comment “oh I didn’t know about that” in great surprise and I take huge delight telling him, “well since it doesn’t impact you in any way so I chose not to mention it.” He never minds, but I can tell he’s thinking, “this is a strange change of behaviour” 🤣

Presumably its women with low self esteem 🙁

I'd research Cassandra Syndrome. Mark Hutten has some good YouTube videos about it.

I had that with an ex. They'd happily interrupt me and talk over me. Even did it with my family on their first meeting.

Some people are just awkward af, and don't understand/care how it makes other people feel.

It's not an easy thing to live with.

My DH is similar. Hes quite obvious if he isnt interested in the conversation. I strongly suspect he is ND although he doesnt have a diagnosis (both of his siblings do)

He zones out during most family meal times and is unable to follow, or contribute to conversation, a lot of the time, particularly if he has prepared the meal and had wine
He often says do you mind if I watch <insert sport> on TV while I eat dinner. At first I did, but reality is, he generally doesnt chat or join in conversation anyway, so me and DC just eat together at the table. If we go out for a meal and there are just 2 of us, he is able to have normal conversation.

I think i feel most aggrieved when he walks away from DC when they are telling him something. I always tell him if he does it and he will maintain he didnt realise they were talking to him.

Yeah it’s not ok though - even if you do it. If he wasn’t like this 100% when they met then I can get why OP is feeling like this.

if you can’t have a conversation with your husband then what is the point? It must be very lonely for her.

OP if he put effort in at the beginning he can certainly do it now. Just because he’s on the spectrum doesn’t mean he can get away with being an ignorant twat.

My brother is on the spectrum and will happily sit in silence but once you speak to him he will engage. Obviously being in the ‘spectrum’ means just that - a vast amount of levels people can be on so all different.

but the main point is - if he was capable before - he is capable now. He’s just not trying

Have you looked into love language? Maybe yours is talking / words of affirmation
Perhaps his is acts of service? What does he do to show he cares?

Do you have any friends or loved ones you can talk to and reduce the pressure on him? He clearly struggles.