Husband on the spectrum seems uninterested when I talk to him

[Johanna19]

When I’m talking my husband will sometimes cut me off before I’ve even finished and say he don’t need to know. This sounds incredibly rude when I write it down … but in truth he’s on the spectrum so if he has the information he needs then he doesn’t see the need to then add to it. I’ve been really accommodating over the years, but I really want him to take more of an interest and listen to my stories and general chit chat. Often he will just look at me in silence when I am talking and won’t engage as I haven’t asked a question. And even when I actually say that I’d like him to take a bit more interest in what I’m saying, he still don’t really ask me anything or engage with me. It’s starting to make me feel like he is uncomfortable being around me, or that he’s just not particularly interested in talking to me, which I’m finding strange and upsetting.
I’m not expecting him to be fascinated by everything I say, and I know sometimes he is tired or has other things on his mind. I’d just like to feel that he is interested in me and in the little things I want to tell him. I feel he is lacking social skills and it’s getting worse. Communicating how I feel with him just doesn’t work. I’m at a loss! I’m 50 this year and don’t want to continue feeling like a stranger in my own relationship. Thoughts very much welcomed please.

I have to fake being interested in what my husband yammers on about. At least I try to fake it. But he knows sometimes I respond on autopilot and a not listening at all.

he is rude.
full stop. Masking and ND aside.

That sounds so depressing and sad that you’ve trained yourself not to mind.

my experience being neurodivergent I struggle with this as I have had to really concentrate at work then I come to home to partner that starts talking at me soon as I walk through the door and it’s too much. He knows I love him but I have asked if I can have 30mins before we have to have any big conversations as we have a 7 year old who doesn’t stop talking either. I can find it all overwhelming, it’s no one’s fault there is only so much I can take. My partner realises this now and if I say I just need some silence for a bit he gets it now as he used to get offended that I would just check out. But it is literally my brain saying please no more 🫠, nothing personal.

I don’t talk a lot but sometimes need a long rant about something - have explained to DH not to give advice but just to let me rant and he’s ok with this. And I feel better once I’ve got it all out.
I notice D adult DCs - phone me for a rant about work or whatever.
Would this work for you OP

This is not a trivial subject and it is the essence of what it means to "Work" on a relationship.

Two people are always different (ND or not ND) in their verbal capacities. The job is to find techniques of reliably tuning in, not tuning in to EVERYTHING.

Look up more about the Mirroring Technique from Imago therapy

This basically forces you as a couple to "match" each other - one cannot talk unless they are sure the other is able to "mirror" them. His job is to grow his capacity and willingness to mirror. Your job is to not push or insist when he is.not giving signs of willingness and to get your needs met elsewhere.

Gradually he should see that you are competent at finding other listening partners and IF you work in paralllel on both increasing the bond amd closeness between you in other ways (eg affection, gratitude, admiration, fun activities...) over time his willingness to grow his own capacity can increase (because he has grown to care about you so much) and your capacity to tolerate his need for downtime will increase (because you care about him so much).

The most important part will be tuning in to each other's signals and being a reliable/predictable connection, rather than listening to 100% of what you have to say, per se. Nobody is interested in 100% of what another person is. You can chat with AI now if you have and overflow.

This is a talk about the subject from a really great imago therapist:

https://www.alturtle.com/archives/1094

I can identify with your posts. If I get “you didn’t tell me” or “I didn’t know” I just say I told you but you didn’t listen/cut me off/ignored me or whatever so tough.

OP hopefully this won’t be read as ageist, but I think as you get older you care less, and whereas before effort will have been made, time passage affects that. I wouldn’t be surprised if it gets worse or no better at least.

It depends on how important intimacy is to you. For people who have a high need for intimacy they don't care less and less, they get sadder and sadder and lonelier and lonelier.

‘These men’

He has autism. Does all sympathy for autistic people go out the window when they hit 18? They don’t suddenly start to cope with the world around them instantly. Educate yourself

This is also a great technique to add in. Preface the need as a one sided rant to give them good humoured advance notice and it allows them to switch on low intensity listening and you to have a better match. It's all about attunement to the other and goes both ways.

This is my DP exactly! There has to be a point! I think he's on the spectrum. I am a chatter and will just wander in to him and start talking about things but I often get no response or just a one sentence reply or 'mmmhmmm'. I feel like he's not interested in things but I don't think it's that. He has explained about 'well what do you want me to say, you didn't ask something'. I do find it baffling and yes it can feel lonely even though we do love each other a lot. He just doesn't do small talk, at least, not when just relaxing at home, he manages better if there's a social situation. Sometimes I feel I'm the weird one but I know I'm not, I've had lots of chatter with people over the years to know that his response is...different! 😅

I think the poster means, “how do these men who can’t really do relationships, end up in relationships?”.

It’s a mismatch OP.

You are wondering why he isn’t interested when you talk, and he is wondering why you are talking when he isn’t interested.

You have 3 choices- move along; put up with it; train each other in more effective ways of bonding and showing care. The last one, he needs to want to.

How stressed is he? DH has got better since semi retirement. Though other things have got worse. <shrug>

They can do relationships perfectly well, they just do them differently. Like you say it’s a mismatch of understanding. The OP came into the relationship with expectations and those expectations are different to the other person. So question isn’t how do these men who can’t do relationships end up in relationships is because the other person stays and then ends up totally confused. Both sides are confused. The ND person no doubt masks initially because we all want to fit in and be the same and be accepted.

Sorry but if that’s what you want, you married the wrong person.

Talk to friends instead. Keep home conversations functional.

I’m the same as your DH. I have no interest in someone’s ramblings, especially when they talk about their job or colleagues whom I’ve never met and know nothing about.

Luckily for me my DH is also ND and is equally happy to tell me I’m boring him 😂

MN hates adults with autism, especially if they’re male.

When I’m talking my husband will sometimes cut me off before I’ve even finished and say he don’t need to know

He's being rude either way but are you waffling?

DP has a really annoying habit of spending time on really trivial stuff that's not relevant to the story. So for example "I saw Jane on Tuesday and she told me.... Actually, was it Wednesday? No it can't have been Wednesday because I was working so it must have been Tuesday, but I had my hair cut on Tuesday, maybe it was last week...."

And internally I'm just screaming "JUST TELL ME WHAT JANE BLOODY SAID!"

Usually I just let her get to it but sometimes I will ask "Does what day it was really matter to the story?"

At which point I'll usually get a "No, I suppose not. Anyway, it must have been Monday, maybe...."

It's because it's all a front for our terrible bad behaviour.

I sometimes wonder if people realise that Autism is a neurological condition. Nobody wakes up and thinks "i know today I'll be autistic - it'll drive my partner up the wall but it'll be a good laugh".

Now classic male Autism can be tolerated. You know, shouty, loud, not particularly bright but masculine all the same. It's bareable isn't it ? Providing he keeps it to himself, gets a job with a good wage, perhaps one day he'll change. Hmm.

The problem is that Autism isn't as straightforward. The kids I'm seeing through work (mainly boys) are more masking, quiet, emotional outbursts. Ultimately what happens to these boys is that nobody wants them, so they end up tired of trying to fit in. Still, a few, im sure, do get through and thats the problem isn't it ?

Don't worry though, we are slowly getting the message. Once I got diagnosed seven years ago you accept it. Get yourself down the wetherspoons on Friday night, look for the bloke in the shirt and tie celebrating not going to prison. Have a chat to him about hiw much he's going to "change " and everything will be fine again.

@Thatsthebottomline I should be used to it by now but it's so depressing seeing it come up again (and again) on here.

It's as though people think autism just fucks off once you reach 18 and you should suddenly be able to cope with life.

I guess the thing is the partner often does not know this when they meet, they don’t know the level of support they are going to be required to give. If a person is upfront then it wouldn’t come as such a “shock”. But I understand communication is an issue. I am ADHD myself and I can be at times hard work. I am lucky my partner is ND himself and he is the calm to my chaos and it works. I would not however be suitable to all partners.

I'm not so sure I agree that people don't know what's required upfront - I just think people gloss over their partners flaws or are often blinded by love and don't actually think about the logistics of being in a long-term relationship with that person.

I'm like you in that both DH and I are ND so there's a lot of mutual understanding (and often brutal honesty) which works for us.

I don't think it's exclusive to ND people or relationships.

I think a lot of people get into relationships based on overlooking certain aspects because other things are favourable... tbh unless you're George and Amal Clooney you probably have to compromise!

For dating, realistically you might match initially based on physical attraction or compatible social or financial status or life goals?

Many people would be more drawn to a socially awkward handsome/beautiful/rich person than a physically unattractive person on a low salary (who had great listening or social skills).

That's just human nature.

And then the question is how things change and grow over time....

If I had a nice joint life with someone who was a bit socially awkward and a bad listener (but very reliable and functional otherwise) I wouldn't necessarily choose to leave that for the unknown.

It’s not glossing over the flaws. Incompatibility causes harm. If one partners needs are not met long term this is going to erode the relationship.

Of course, but I do think one of the reasons that happens is that people overlook a lot of the "little things" at the start of a relationship.

The sticking point is that he was able to engage before - now he has checked out.

I doubt the poster meant autistic men in particular- just men who check out once there is a ring on the finger.