Husband on the spectrum seems uninterested when I talk to him

[Johanna19]

When I’m talking my husband will sometimes cut me off before I’ve even finished and say he don’t need to know. This sounds incredibly rude when I write it down … but in truth he’s on the spectrum so if he has the information he needs then he doesn’t see the need to then add to it. I’ve been really accommodating over the years, but I really want him to take more of an interest and listen to my stories and general chit chat. Often he will just look at me in silence when I am talking and won’t engage as I haven’t asked a question. And even when I actually say that I’d like him to take a bit more interest in what I’m saying, he still don’t really ask me anything or engage with me. It’s starting to make me feel like he is uncomfortable being around me, or that he’s just not particularly interested in talking to me, which I’m finding strange and upsetting.
I’m not expecting him to be fascinated by everything I say, and I know sometimes he is tired or has other things on his mind. I’d just like to feel that he is interested in me and in the little things I want to tell him. I feel he is lacking social skills and it’s getting worse. Communicating how I feel with him just doesn’t work. I’m at a loss! I’m 50 this year and don’t want to continue feeling like a stranger in my own relationship. Thoughts very much welcomed please.

Life’s stresses tend to build though and if a partners not attuned it causes trauma. Kids/deaths/moves etc. It can be a slow realisation of who your partner is. Empathy for example is good to mask to an extent but not long term or when the situation gets a bit complex.

Yes, as soon as they think they've got the target locked down, they drop their mask along with all relational effort. And then they slowly degrade the woman's self-esteem and sense of self while consuming her labour.

It's not ND, it's misogyny and patriarchy. ND women don't tend to take others for granted and make no effort with their partners and loved ones. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I wonder if it’s because they are task oriented and once the task is achieved they think it’s done.

I don't disagree with you - I just think both are probably true. I mean, how many threads are there from people moaning about their partner not doing X and then it turns out they've never done X?

It's common for people to overlook certain things in the first throes of a relationship but it's also common for people with ND to start to struggle a lot more once things like kids etc. happen.

Being on the 'spectrum' shouldn't be a free pass to be a rude bastard.

Autism is a social communication disorder, though - people seem to like to ignore that bit.

We are not waking up in the morning and thinking "fuck you" to people - our brains just don't work in the same way.

I do agree with you on that. But when someone you love has let you know “you know that thing you do it hurts me”. Then there is an obligation to try and meet that person if you want a relationship with them. Being ND is not a free pass as others have said and you have to acknowledge if what you do hurts someone, even unintentionally. Communication is the goal, also talking without blame and intent. Most of the ND people I know are ashamed that they hurt people and try really hard, to the point they burnt out. There are going to be rubbish ND partners as there are NT who don’t intend on changing anything.

Oh absolutely - the problem is (like you say) is that many of us work so hard to the point of burnout, and when you've been in repeated cycles of burnout, you do sometimes get the point of not trying as you know the outcome is going to be horrendous.

I mask a lot less nowadays as I know the impact it has on me long-term.

I agree and I am constantly burned out but I would never be unkind to the person I love or hurt them. A mask is not faking loving your partner and doing things that they need. I would probably stop caring about people I don’t know or love and reduce my world but never to those I love. If this is the case then definitely the wrong partner.

That probably doesnt help to sooth people, who love you, that you've repeatedly cut to the bone.

Maybe not, but autism is a disability - it's not something we do on purpose or to be deliberately unkind. If you can't cope with the fact that we have a social communication disability then maybe you shouldn't be with us or around us.

In my case it was without doubt an ‘achievement unlocked’ moment. Once that level had been cleared, that boss mastered, that trophy acquired, it no longer deserved attention.
He always seemed a bit shocked that ‘ongoing maintenance’ was involved.

My ND son I find much easier. He’s very absent, but withdraws a bit rather than putting himself in the centre of the room to ignore everyone else.

It’s so much easier with a diagnosis though. So much easier. I don’t feel personally inadequate and wilfully ignored anymore.

I wouldn't be.

Probably for the best.