How can I move past my husband's lies about a colleague?

[BeWorthyTealQuail]

I'm hoping for some advice about how to get past my husband lying and keeping things from me regarding his relationship with a co worker.
I recently found a message from her on his phone suggesting they buy each other gifts while on family holidays. I thought this was strange and looked back through the message history. I realised that he has met up with her alone outside work on several occasions when he told me he was meeting with several work colleagues.
When I confronted him about this he lied and said it was only once and the reason they were alone was because others dropped out at the last minute. But it was clear from the messages that this wasn’t true and they had clearly arranged to meet alone on a few occasions.
There were also several other messages that she had sent that I was uncomfortable about and thought crossed boundaries, some quite emotionally charged, although nothing untoward from him to her.
When I spoke to him he initially was relieved I had seen the message as he said he had felt increasingly uncomfortable about the friendship for a while but wasn’t sure how to tone things down without offending her. He is adamant there has been no physical affair and no emotional affair from his side anyway, but admits he suspects that the colleague has deeper feelings. I do believe him on this. He has spoken to her and explained the situation and that the meet ups and constant messaging (99% instigated by her) was going to have to stop.
I’m just struggling to put this behind me, I’m hurt he concealed this friendship from me, he’s never mentioned her to me before, and that he has lied about meeting up some outside work.
Any advice most welcome as to how to proceed.

they had clearly arranged to meet alone on a few occasions.

He wasn't sure how to tone it down without offending her, which is problematic because he has prioritised her feelings over yours, and chosen not to prioritise his relationship with you.

Is he usually this spineless, or is this a new phenomenon that he can't think of and use the words, no thanks? I would also be furious and deeply suspicious of what I was actually dealing with OP.

I appreciate what your saying, I won’t say he’s spineless necessarily but hates conflict. I think because nothing physical has happened he felt awkward about broaching it with her. Not really an excuse and agree he should have considered our relationship first. I am sure he has no romantic feelings for her, I’m just upset about the lies and lack of transparency. He has been very apologetic and taken full responsibility, with hindsight he’s aware he should have discussed the situation and can’t really say why he didn’t.

Be very vigilant. You know something is off, and that feeling is rarely wrong (unless you are naturally suspicious/ paranoid which you don’t seem to be)

can’t really say why he didn’t

He couldn't discuss it because he knew he was crossing a line. In the same way that a child who goes in the cupboard and takes out and eats sweets that aren't theirs doesn't volunteer the information.

he felt awkward about broaching it with her
There shouldn't have been anything to broach with her.
Do you fancy a night out just us two DH? No thanks. Do you want to buy me a gift from your family holiday and I'll do the same? No thanks. He's got himself into a situation which now needs broaching with her, and that is the issue.

For someone who is conflict avoidant, he's not doing a very good job of it, because he now has to deal with and repair conflict with you. Watch what he does, not what he says.

It's interesting he could have stopped this at any point but he didn't. Was there really a reason to exchange phone numbers in the first place? I can't recall ever having the opposite sex work mate personal phone number. And meeting outside of work he could have easily said he was busy.
How long has this been going on?

he initially was relieved I had seen the message as he said he had felt increasingly uncomfortable about the friendship for a while but wasn’t sure how to tone things down without offending her.

You believe this? Does he often keep secrets and need his wife to step in because he feels uncomfortable?

He can say no, he can make excuses, he can invite you or others along, he could have told you the truth. So many options that would prevent his discomfort!

I don’t think having numbers of the opposite sex is an issue. Remembering that you are married is though!

To be fair he did absolutely shut down the present buying with an absolute no, even though she pushed on it as just a bit of fun.
And I should say not wanting to drip feed but not wanting to be too outing, the meet ups weren’t drinks/meals. It was doing a shared hobby but he told me he was going with group rather than just the 2 of them. Think it started as a group thing then became just the two of them on other occasions which he didn’t tell me.

Then he was lying for no reason. I'm not sure which is worse?

I'm.really sorry to tell you this but as an outsider it is 100% clear that he was quite happy with the situation when you didn't know about it and now he is trying all the different "handling lines" to smooth things over with you.

He seems to know to pull on your heartstrings with the whole "I was a victim of circumstance and I was so out of my depth hut I just needed you to saaaave meee".

It's an act and its bullshit and if you showed fury rather than understanding you'd see him play a different hand.

You have no right to tell him how to behave but i think if you expressed anything that required actual action from him, like saying you wanted him to look for other work, you'd see him harden up. At the moment it's very easy for him to say all the right words and he's playing you like a fiddle.

Interesting he couldn't possibly handle it with a conversation until you found out, then suddenly he could. I bet he is perfectly capable of handling difficult conversations at work.

Well you have two choices. Bin the liar if there’s other issues. If you really want the relationship to heal/work he needs to find a new job and be NC with the co worker.

My dh once lied about ‘a guy’ at work. He saw ‘him’ a lot. Turned out it was actually a woman. He said he was sorry etc etc and would ‘do anything to fix things’ so I made him resign and find a new job to make sure there was no temptation.

I don’t think it’s that unusual to have work colleagues numbers, I do too make and female. We both socialise with people from work outside work and that’s not an issue.

But do you lie about meeting up with them alone to your husband? And if you did, what would that mean?

Thanks for all the replies, it’s food for thought. I’m aware he has behaved badly and been dishonest but I am sure there was no romantic intent on his part, you may think I’m naive but I believe him about that.
He’s had the conversation with her now that should have been had a while ago, changing job etc not an option.
He is in general a great husband and father to our kids and really I just want to find a way past this!

It's very much up to him to spend the time and energy working out how to find a way past this. This isn't your job.

I don't know about naive OP but it seems that you are willing to trust someone who has not been honest with you. You didn't even know about this woman because he never even mentioned her. You didn't know about their close friendship. And you didn't know about their messages and one on one meetups at their hobby. That is quite a lot of quite calculated deception from someone who says they were just going along with the situation because they didn't want to hurt this woman's feelings.

If he isnt going to change his employer can he change his role so he is not working directly with her? If you are going to try and get past this he also needs to be completely transparent with his phone.

Even if this relationship with this woman is actually over his attitude shows he doesn't have boundaries where his marriage is concerned. And that doesn't bode well if some other woman shows herself to be interested in him. If indeed that is how their relationship started.

"can’t really say why he didn’t"

This is worrying. If he doesn't understand why he engaged in and didn't discuss the situation, he is doomed to repeat it.

It's quite simple:

(1) He didn't shut down her growing romantic interest in him because HE LIKED IT. It made him feel validated.

Btw need for validation from others is the #1 motivation for cheating.

(2) He didn't tell you because he was enjoying the attention and validation and DIDN'T WANT IT TO STOP.

Keep your eyes out, OP. Watch what he does, and be sceptical about his words.

To be fair he’s never hidden his phone from me, he was aware I was using it when I initially saw the first message. I’ve since read through the full message history with his knowledge which is why I believe there hasn't been an affair of any sort. There are no flirtatious messages from him and no over sharing or messages to suggest any emotional intimacy from him.
But he has been dishonest for whatever reason.
not an option to change job roles, it’s fairly niche!
I don’t think I actually really care that they will continue to work together, they are in different roles in a big organisation and I’m confident that the friendship is over and there will be no more meet ups etc.

I had a similar situation with my DH. Difference was the hobby was a long distance run, raising money for charity where everyone dropped out except this female colleague. They had a great time training and doing the run. but when the texts started arriving at weekends after it had all finished, knowing that she knew he had a young family and the messages were flirtatious with photos (although nothing graphic) I got worried.

In all fairness to him it crossed a line on her part rather than his, but he wasn't just ignoring her or blocking her messages. I also understand that she was lonely, had a few low key MH issues and he is a nice guy and didn't want to upset her.

I won't lie though, I felt pretty let down - he should have seen it coming and when it did, he should have backed off immediately. It shouldn't have taken me to lose my cool (and then some) for him to step back, but he did. And over time it got easier and it is now history. He has never been in that situation since. They weren't in the same team luckily, but she left the company shortly after.

"can’t really say why he didn’t"

I'm going to emphasise this again. He needs to think WHY he didn't tell you. He needs to admit to himself that he liked it.

That way he'll recognise the top of the slippery slope NEXT TIME, and be able to step away.

It's not beating a dead horse to keep raising this. It's affair-proofing your marriage from a weakness in him.

Thanks, that’s helpful. I think similarly my husband is a nice guy, and I can see how this has happened, there’s just the added level of the deception though I guess.

The deception isn't an added level, it's the point.

I thought DH was a trustworthy fella: He wasn't. I found out 18 months later when a date for 2 was at a local hotel!

Thanks. I’ve tried to pin him down on this and he says he knew deep down that he was crossing a boundary that he didn’t think I’d be happy with but justified it in his head as there was nothing going on between them. And yes clearly he liked it.
We’ve had long discussions about all of this and agreed that anything like this can’t happen again and that he needs to be fully honest and open about things

I agree