How can I move past my husband's lies about a colleague?

[BeWorthyTealQuail]

I'm hoping for some advice about how to get past my husband lying and keeping things from me regarding his relationship with a co worker.
I recently found a message from her on his phone suggesting they buy each other gifts while on family holidays. I thought this was strange and looked back through the message history. I realised that he has met up with her alone outside work on several occasions when he told me he was meeting with several work colleagues.
When I confronted him about this he lied and said it was only once and the reason they were alone was because others dropped out at the last minute. But it was clear from the messages that this wasn’t true and they had clearly arranged to meet alone on a few occasions.
There were also several other messages that she had sent that I was uncomfortable about and thought crossed boundaries, some quite emotionally charged, although nothing untoward from him to her.
When I spoke to him he initially was relieved I had seen the message as he said he had felt increasingly uncomfortable about the friendship for a while but wasn’t sure how to tone things down without offending her. He is adamant there has been no physical affair and no emotional affair from his side anyway, but admits he suspects that the colleague has deeper feelings. I do believe him on this. He has spoken to her and explained the situation and that the meet ups and constant messaging (99% instigated by her) was going to have to stop.
I’m just struggling to put this behind me, I’m hurt he concealed this friendship from me, he’s never mentioned her to me before, and that he has lied about meeting up some outside work.
Any advice most welcome as to how to proceed.

I think you know your DH better than anyone and if you feel he is being open and honest then I’d let it go. If he had said about meeting her alone, you probably wouldn’t have thought anything of it and if he has been quite firm with her since, it sounds like he got swept up being a nice guy. Some people do try it on and it’s hard if you’re a bit of a pushover (I am too). He should have mentioned it and hopefully he now realises that he must talk it over if anything like this happened again. Ultimately though, no point torturing him for being a nice man and no point wasting you life worrying. Nothing has changed - if hen wanted to cheat (as with any spouse), he could and there’s nothing you can do to avoid that. You have to trust he is a decent man and if he’s always been that, I would believe him and move on.

The thing is, he wasn't a nice guy when he was being deceptive in order to keep crossing the line because it was what he wanted to do.

He had three choices

1. Be an adult and have a hard conversation with her and/or talk to you before you found out about his "problem" that was presumably worrying him.

1. just stop engaging and accept some awkwardness.

1. Lie to you and go deeper into their friendship at the cost of deceiving you.

He chose 3. And he chose it for a reason amd he isn't being honest about why.

People ultimately have an image and want to be perceived a certain way, but noone is 100% good, which I think is why another poster is making the point that he needs to own up to himself why he chose option 3 at the cost of hurting your relationship (whether you found out or not, he was being dishonest) and that he needs to acknoweldge why did it even if it damages his ego (because he liked it).

And suddenly he found a nerve to shut her down when previously somehow he just couldn't bring himself to do it but now he can?

Also interesting that somehow out of all the people to have a hobby with he ended up having one with her solo and then lying about it

Agree with others if he can't tell you why he didn't shut this down, or explain why he lied to you, he is doomed to repeat this behaviour. More concerning is you justifying his behaviour by saying he is a nice guy who didn't want to upset HER. By doing so he upset YOU. You should be his number 1, his priority. That's not nice in any way, shape or form. He lacks boundaries, maybe has a need to be the white knight, or seeks validation and likes female attention. All risk factors for him having a full blown affair. WHY he did this is the most important question of the whole scenario, and he should seek help to establish the reasons. He appears not to realise the seriousness of what he has done.

My DH works predominantly with women. I have no problem if he wants to go out for a drink with one of them or chats to them. However er, if he lied/tried to hide it then that would be a major issue.

I'm quite friendly with a male colleague. We occasionally WhatsApp each other with a joke or a political comment (we're both quite political). If we happen to be in the office on the same day, which hardly ever happens, we might go for coffee at a cafe together or eat lunch together in the staff break out area. It's all completely above board. I do the same with female colleagues.

It's the secrecy and lies that are the problem

And what makes me cross on your behalf is that he didn't even need to speak to her, he just needed to say "sorry can't make it" when other people dropped out. Instead, he actively made plans to see her while you sat at home on your jack jones as childcare! When did he last actively arrange childcare to go on a date with you? Or even plan a good quality day or evening together? That's why it's so wrong.

I don't believe him and I am ever so gullible. You can get past it because he has been untrustworthy and your body knows it isn't safe.

Oh, dear. I fear this is not the end of this story.

Yes I’ve said he should have just made an excuse, he claims he felt rude to pull out last minute. One time he did she sent a really arsey message about how she felt the friendship was all one sided with her making all the effort so I think maybe he did feel bad after that!
Actually he is really good at making sure I have time for myself and arranging dates/trips for us so that’s not an issue. He more than pulls his weight with childcare etc, I don’t feel like a downtrodden wife!

If I found out my husband had been seeing
someone behind my back that would be my marriage over.

the hobby is something they both do independently too and have for years, so wasn’t like he took something up to spend time with her. Your other points are very valid though

What's rude is lying to your wife about where you are and who you're with, and claiming you're being pressured into doing so by some woman from work.

Thank you, this is kind of how I’m feeling, I think he is been honest now and just need to find a way to let it go!

I don't think you do have to "get past this" @BeWorthyTealQuail . I think your H has to prove to you he is worthy of your trust again. He is the one who deceived you. You are doing some heavy lifting and over-functioning here by explaining that he is a really nice man who wouldn't want to hurt his colleague's feeling etc, etc, etc. But he has hurt your feelings, lied to you and eroded the trust that you have spent years building in your relationship.

Now he needs to repair, make amends, make good and restore your trust in him again. So sit back and let him do that.

Going forward, it may be a case of actions speaking louder than words. He’s said all the right things, but can he carry it through. No more meet ups, messages etc. From what you say, you sound like you trust your husband, and it was one of those situations that just got out of hand. He probably did enjoy the friendship, but realised how it might come across, hence being economical with the truth, plus didn’t want to let her down either.

Full transparency of his phone (make sure he doesn’t hide messages), only group sessions, etc.

He can’t be rude to a colleague by not meeting up but happy to lie to you, his wife. Actions speak louder than words and he needs to prove his vow of forsaking all
others. Hope he rises up to it

I think what pisses me off is that they're obviously close enough that she can send him an arsed message and he doesn't see that as an easy out to stop seeing her. Like someone else said, he's happy to serious shit on your relationship and tarr it forever with deception to... what? Be seen by her as a "nice guy" while not being an actual nice guy to his wife?

And the conversation to close off the friendship was presumably more awkward than just bailing as part of a group.

All of this to say, noone would blame you for being up and down and feeling all the emotions on your own timeframe, but if you genuinely want to move on, you call the shots. Perhaps if you've made the decision and don't want any more action from him then you just need time. Fwiw, I may be frothing on your behalf but I am genuinely sorry you're going through this and support you making your own decision and finding your own way, so I'll not pick him apart any more 😆 but it's OK to be up and down and I'm really sorry

All this, especially-

"He lacks boundaries, maybe has a need to be the white knight, or seeks validation and likes female attention. All risk factors for him having a full blown affair."

To heal the breach in trust, HE needs to understand this. I suggest you give him some reading material. "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass is a possibility.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/205641.NotJustFriends

You'll know when he gets it. Then you can start to trust again.

At this particular moment in time, he is at risk of doing this again, and possibly the next time it won't stop at a budding emotional affair.

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words!

Unfortunately when someone you trust is deceptive to you, you don’t just “move past it”. Betrayal works backwards, and you will have to accept your husband has certain character traits you weren’t previously aware of.

Please don’t buy him books about affairs and especially not that book. Your priority should be reassessing your financial position and getting support for yourself, not spoon feeding him.

I appreciate all your advice and messages and taking the time to reply.
By way of an update he has actually seen and read this whole thread. Earlier on I accidentally screenshotted part of a reply while trying to close my phone and it shared to our google photos.
He found it an uncomfortable read but we’ve actually had a good and honest conversation about it. He said he initially felt defensive about the messages saying he needed to own up to why he has lied but after thinking on it can see that they are completely right. He’s admitted to being flattered by the attention and that he’s recognised in himself the need to be liked and to try and be everything to everyone. This rings very true as he really is a people pleaser who finds it hard to say no to anything. In doing this he admits he has taken me and the kids to be ‘a given’. And going forward he will prioritise us 1st.
So we have had a conversation about what needs to happen going forward and about being honest etc, so I think things will be better.
Again thanks for the replies!

I had a similar situation with a single mum who worked for us - she was just far too full on with my H -nothing I saw overtly flirty but somewhat needy - I think she wasactualky jealous to be honest and my H instead of telling her to cool it was spineless as we needed her in the business, also I suspect he got a buzz from it -pretty sure he didn’t cheat however I felt incredibly let down and have found it hard to feel 100% ever since-

I think you’re making excuses. He’s a liar.

I think all this sounds positive for you OP, your husband recognises he is a people pleaser but it is important for both of you to seek out the answers to why he gave himself permission to cheat (emotionally). Why he feels he must please “other” people before his wife and family - these will be hard questions for him he will have to look deeper inside himself. Look at his previous relationships including ones with his parents, some answers may lie there. it is great he is able to read the post it shows how important honesty is to you. Is he able to admit it was all about his ego, selfishness, because he could cheat & think he’d not get caught, flattery, feeling desired by someone else, taking his family for granted, he must be honest with himself as to why he felt these things of what ever it was he felt that gave him permission to want to cheat ). If he does not want to be that “type”of man what are his actions going to be going forward to prove this to you and himself he has/can change. Personally from what you have said it sounds like it was a “ego/selfish/look at me” kind of affair. So there is hope if you see him truly work on himself. Very importantly You must now not let him rug sweep, talk about this affair as often as you want and he must be open & transparent at all times. I wish you both well in what could turn out to be a long journey for you both. But it’s also a chance to get the marriage back on track

Honestly?

hes breached your trust - you’ll never “get past it” - the best you can hope for is to live with it knowing you’ll likely never completely trust him again.

the relationship you had before has gone. That’s not coming back because he’s broken it. You need to decide whether you can accept the new relationship.

i tried for 10 years - slightly different in that my ex h had an actual affair, but he confessed, begged forgiveness, said it was out of character, he’d never do it again..blah blah. 10 years down the line I discovered he’d resurrected the affair within 6 months of his confession and it had been on and off for the entirety of that time.

Those 10 years were so hard for me as I tried to resurrect the relationship and trust him again - it was actually never the same in reality - I should have trusted my gut and gone after the confession.

What happens when he goes out with colleagues in the future? Will you trust him or will that small little bit of your brain torture you?

some women are strong enough to build new relationships and trust and some men genuinely have made a mistake that they don’t make again. You’ve got to hope that’s you and your husband but the fact he had opportunity to finish the friendship when she was difficult and said the friendship was one sided is worrying. At that point, he should have just said, yes it is one sided because I have a wife I love. End.