How can I move past my husband's lies about a colleague?

[BeWorthyTealQuail]

I'm hoping for some advice about how to get past my husband lying and keeping things from me regarding his relationship with a co worker.
I recently found a message from her on his phone suggesting they buy each other gifts while on family holidays. I thought this was strange and looked back through the message history. I realised that he has met up with her alone outside work on several occasions when he told me he was meeting with several work colleagues.
When I confronted him about this he lied and said it was only once and the reason they were alone was because others dropped out at the last minute. But it was clear from the messages that this wasn’t true and they had clearly arranged to meet alone on a few occasions.
There were also several other messages that she had sent that I was uncomfortable about and thought crossed boundaries, some quite emotionally charged, although nothing untoward from him to her.
When I spoke to him he initially was relieved I had seen the message as he said he had felt increasingly uncomfortable about the friendship for a while but wasn’t sure how to tone things down without offending her. He is adamant there has been no physical affair and no emotional affair from his side anyway, but admits he suspects that the colleague has deeper feelings. I do believe him on this. He has spoken to her and explained the situation and that the meet ups and constant messaging (99% instigated by her) was going to have to stop.
I’m just struggling to put this behind me, I’m hurt he concealed this friendship from me, he’s never mentioned her to me before, and that he has lied about meeting up some outside work.
Any advice most welcome as to how to proceed.

Yeah I’d be so upset too! And I’m sorry but I agree with the other posts - he’s been rumbled and is ‘handling’ your reaction and discovery of this. It was going in the right direction for an affair make no bones about that - you’ve just caught him out! The old ‘oh she’s so sad, I didn’t want to upset her blah blah blah.’ Ha! He didn’t want to upset her because he was about to get a shag.

I don’t know what I’d do in your situation OP but I know I’d be very, very cross, very hurt and very doutbtful in the sanctity of our marriage. You can absolutely have friendships with the opposite sex with no drama at all - but you don’t lie about it and you don’t hide it. He did both because there was no friendship, they were sniffing around each other and he damn well loved the attention. Sorry OP. You do what you need to do but at least give him hell for a while x

I understand you feeling hurt that he was secretive and you have a right to be but something tells me he is being honest about his feelings and its her who wants more and that he didnt know how to broach it.
The main conversation for me would be why did he go alone to meet her if he didnt like her that way was he tempted is there something in the marriage that needs addressing for him to do this.. Good deep talks are needed amd answers to why.

When I spoke to him he initially was relieved I had seen the message as he said he had felt increasingly uncomfortable about the friendship for a while but wasn’t sure how to tone things down without offending her. He is adamant there has been no physical affair and no emotional affair from his side anyway, but admits he suspects that the colleague has deeper feelings

That's a yarn many women have heard. Typical man, making out he's the victim. I wouldn't believe a word of it.

Because he hates conflict

I honesty suspect, the point at which he thought oh no she likes me what do I do. Top of his to do list was NOT tell you. Because if up until then, he probably didnt think much of it and once he realised it was suddenly a problem he hadnt mentioned any of it before it was a problem

But I think its reasonable youre disappointed. And I think NOW what he tells her is- my wife is uncomfortable. Be firm and clear.

How far would he need to go with a colleague before he is considered culpable of some kind of affair?

Yes this is the kind of conversation we’ve had and he has certainly looked at himself much more deeply as to why this has happened, and also reflected on other parts of his life where these traits can be problematic.

I think any kind of emotional or physical intimacy which isn’t what’s happened here

Yes I’m happy that this conversation has already been had now, too late for sure!

Thanks, I think the reasons were as other posters have said that he was enjoying the attention and he’s admitted that. And he knew if he was open about it I’d have probably been uncomfortable so easier not to ask. Lots to unpick and discuss I agree

Sorry your H has done this.

It’s often said on here that it’s funny how it’s never ‘friendship’ with frumpy Ken from accounts. And that there’s ‘no question’ of him looking for a new job (consequences / inconvenience).

His script at each stage, with you, sounds tactical.

Thanks, he probably does have lots of friendships with the Ken from accounts types as he’s that kind of guy, but agree he’s never felt the need to hide them.
As to the job, I’m not bothered about him continuing to work with this person as I genuinely believe he has no romantic interest whatsoever ( you may roll your eyes and think I’m stupid at this point). But in his line of work where we work it’s really not as easy as get a new job.

Men who do this sometimes have serious flaws and they are not the kind people expect.

My ex was constantly playing white knight to one woman, then a second after I said I wasn’t happy about the first. I thought that when I broke up with him he’d shack up with one of them or if not them then one of his other ‘friends’.

But no, he’s remained single and had a total life meltdown about the fact we split. I eventually agreed to talk to him on the phone and asked what he was up to— lo and behold he said he has been on lots of lovely bff outing with this woman we know! Genuinely they are all 50 and she is married. Found out from a friend he has had zero sex in the interim, and he is very eligible, and I realised he wasn’t doing it for that at all. He just likes being in the orbit of women with some kind of insecurity who lean on him. Mummy issues, basically.

I’m not saying that’s the key to your husband but I just mean not all men are in these bizarre ‘friendships’ for the sex.

I’m sorry OP, I think you are being incredibly naive. He has been using this other person for sex, attention or otherwise. The reason he is uncomfortable is he is trying to work out how to get rid of her without her blowing up his marriage and telling all.

I would say that there was a level of emotional intimacy here. He was aware that it was "easier" not to tell you that he was talking with, and meeting up with her, and didn't want to upset her, or cause any confrontation with her. I'd say all of that plus whatever you don't know, is indicative of emotional intimacy.

I get it, you don't want to cause a fuss, blow everything up, have to go to therapy, consider the ramifications of this. Sweeping it under the carpet is another option, but you need to be aware that's what you're doing for it not to bite you on the arse down the line.

Who are all these men who seem to find it 'so hard' to turn down the overtures of young women? I bet if it was 70 year old Doris from accounts, he wouldnt find it so difficult...

This is what it comes down to, there's no reason to be sneaking to meetings with or worrying about letting down Doris, or Ken, and that's the crunch here.

I’m not sure if it really makes a difference but to be clear we aren’t talking about a hot single younger woman here. She’s about the same age, married with her own kids and physically very much not my husbands type.

It's not only hot younger single women that qualify for attention.

That you know of. Honestly OP. Open your eyes. If it walks like a duck...

So he’s deleted the messages he’s sent to her, then, and kept hers for the ego boost. Do you really not think that if she’s been harassing him with all these unprompted, unwanted, overfamiliar messages, he’d have not confided in you by now? That he’d not have told you about this stressful work situation?
Oh and give over about what she looks like. Has he been in your ear about that, as well? Can’t possibly be interested because she’s such a frump compared to you? He sounds…lovely.
If you’re still reading you sneaky weasel, look how loyal your wife is being about you on a thread about your deceit. Stop fucking it up.

Thanks for all the honest advice but I am going to leave this now. I do appreciate the replies, especially about the importance of him owning the reason why, I admit I hadn’t really thought that was so important but clearly it is. And clearly he isn’t the person that I, or he thought he was.
I've spoken to a close friend who knows us both and that was cathartic and helpful. I’m also thinking relationship counselling is what we need to have any chance of moving forward.
thanks again

"he’s deleted the messages he’s sent to her, then, and kept hers for the ego boost"

I went back and read OP's posts and AFAIK the message string between OP's H and the other woman is intact, he didn't delete anything.

But I agree with -

"Oh and give over about what she looks like. Has he been in your ear about that, as well? Can’t possibly be interested because she’s such a frump compared to you?"

Yes, that's really unpleasant.

And you may not know this, OP, but it is EXTREMELY common for cheaters to "affair down", as the lingo on infidelity boards goes. The OW in particular is often "not the type" the cheating H would "go for normally". Objectively she is nowhere near "the catch" the betrayed wife is. The reason for this is that cheaters rarely select affair partners based on high standards. Nope, they select them based on availability and willingness to supply praise and attention. These OWs require very little effort to be impressed.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

OP, if HE described her as "physically very much not my ...type", that is a classical thing cheater say when they are caught.

I understand that you want to step away, OP. You must be feeling shaken. Just pat yourself on the back that you caught this because you listened to your gut. Know you'll eventually be OK.

I think the relationship counselling idea is OK in the sense that it might help you to more easily discuss and work through this betrayal together.

But cheating is ALWAYS the fault of the cheater alone. It's not something the betrayed spouse caused, because even in terrible marriages, people have choices: talk to the other spouse, seek counselling, or leave. The cheating happens because of poor pre-existing internal boundaries, entitlement, and coping flaws within the cheater, not because of anything the betrayed spouse did or didn't do. The saying on infidelity boards is "Each partner is 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage, but the cheater is 100% responsible for the decision to cheat."

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/626419/affair-reasons-ws-input-welcome/

It would be good for your H to get individual therapy around this. Because it's a weakness he has. To control it, he has to understand it. And when he understands it and controls it, then you can feel safe(r).