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Original poster

Ex opened up and I am considering another chance

56 replies

Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 18:39

To preempt: I have some mental issues which are ongoing and which will probably always be a challenge for me. I got a lot better in the last few years but I still tend to make poor decisions.

I posted a while back about my ex having reached out to me and asking to come over and stay with me because he wasn't well, and I was worried about boundaries despite considering him a friend since our breakup.
The thing is that his visit has really thrown my head back into chaos which I had not expected and which makes no sense.

He didn't seem well and said that he had recently lost both his job and his relationship due to consistent inappropriate behavior, and that it was his own fault and that he had started seeking help but felt ashamed and like he couldn't talk to anyone but maybe me.

He confessed that he had consistently cheated in every relationship, and also on me several times during our relationship which stung, even though we broke up years ago. I broke up with him for entirely different reasons and I'm not sure why this still hurt to hear.
At the same time I felt like this was the first time that I had seen the real him, so I think he really has reached rock bottom and finally cracked.

I even understand why he reached out. He was with me through some of my worst MH challenges and he knows that I have experience with different therapy forms which he is now looking at. The problem is that I now feel an incredible connection again because I obviously still care for him and because he was undoubtedly the most caring partner I ever had. But I also know that this would probably a complete disaster in the long run.
Right now I really feel like giving him another chance because I was so happy to see him open up and trust someone for the first time.

I will probably get some harsh replies but please don't call me an idiot.

OP posts:
TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 07/09/2026 18:46

I'm definitely not going to call you an idiot.
But I am going to say PLEASE don't do this.
Or at the very least pause for a really, really long time.
And I get it. But the cheating in every relationship is horrific, and if he did that to you again it would be terrible for you. Please please protect yourself @Ainteazy . 💐

MageKing · 07/09/2026 18:52

I know nothing about this man but it sounds to me like yes, he has hit rock bottom... rock bottom where his lis, and behaviour and bullshit are not working on anyone and so he's playing the victim with you, the one person who still sees some good in him.

It's all bollocks. You are feeling sorry for him because he lied, cheated, lost his job, behaved inappropriately? Can you hear how crazy that is?

if any of this is genuine then tell him to go and do the work to "fix" himself and then, when he's done it, sure, you will be willing to reconsider the relationship. But you can't start a relationship on the basis that perhaps you can fix him becuase you're the one person he can "open up to".

How old is he? I'm putting money on north of 45.....

StPancreasPiano · 07/09/2026 18:55

I'm not going to call you an idiot but I am going to say what it looks like from my wider angle - he wants something for himself. It will benefit him, NOT you. He has shown you what he thinks of you in your previous relationship(s) with him - this opening up business is just another tactic to try and reel you back in.

They can be very believable, appear so genuine, but it's nothing more than manipulation. Please remember that if you have any contact from him again, which I think you should try and avoid.

Please put yourself first, you are not on this earth to 'heal' this, from what you have said about him, utter loser and user.

Look after yourself, build up a life for yourself without him. He knows your weaknesses and he will use them. He thinks only of himself, no matter how believable his stories are, that's all they are, stories to keep you hooked.

Flowers
Hatty65 · 07/09/2026 18:55

Please don't do this.

He will manipulate you because he's lost his job and his relationship (due to inappropriate behaviour) and is looking for a mug who will take him in and home him. Probably one that will financially support him and do the housework too.

You owe him nothing and he is playing on your sympathy.

Don't take him back, don't let him stay any longer. He's not your problem.

HussleMe · 07/09/2026 18:58

You’re not an idiot, of course not. But you feel special because he’s opening up to you for the first time in his life…and you absolutely can’t fall for it.

He sounds like a sex addled wanker tbh; I don’t know why you would want that in your life. I mean, lost his job due to consistent inappropriate behaviour? Is that your dream man?

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/09/2026 19:00

Don't take him back.

Pumpkinsaregrowingnicely · 07/09/2026 19:03

I dumped dp. He professed he had changed.

After 6 months I took him back. We even got married so certain I was he was A New Man.
2 weeks in his mask slipped. I don't ed him as soon a wqs able. A year I had to wait..
You see him as vulnerable..you see you as saving him ..
In reality he is the same twat.

Keep him gone op.

Userengage · 07/09/2026 19:07

Depends how desperate you are, I suppose. He has outlined to you all the reasons you shouldn’t take him back (cheated, no job, lied) and you see them as reasons to do the opposite. He’s basically said “I’m a rubbish person” and you’re seeing floating love hearts.

I personally don’t take men back.

saveforthat · 07/09/2026 19:11

You're an idiot

AyeupDuck · 07/09/2026 19:12

Not only should you not take him back you should block him and have NOTHING to do with him ever again. What an absolute low life he is.

Original poster
Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 19:12

I know that it's probably a terrible idea which is why I started this thread.

But I feel that I need to defend him a bit, too. During our time together I was at my worst and I was often quite ill and he always looked after me and probably went through hell although he always said that it wasn't so bad. There were times when he tried to keep down my fevers all night or dragged himself to hospital to visit me despite being ill too and working as I was in uni. And he picked me up when I called him because a new partner had beaten me.

Yes the cheating confession hurt a lot. But I need to be fair and explain that he is not a complete asshole.
As I said earlier I am much better than I was back then and I don't want to get dragged down again especially if he is only starting his journey to deal with his challenges. But he is not a terrible person. And he has a new job lined up.

OP posts:
Elieza · 07/09/2026 19:15

he will use you and leave.
his type get bored, need more than one woman can give.
stay friends if you want. but dont cross the line.

if you must cross, give it a year first. see what the real him is like nowadays when he gets another job etc.

FloydPink · 07/09/2026 19:24

Firstly people do change - and sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to force that change in your life. There have been 2 times in my life I have hit rock bottom - first proper relationship had ended, I was depressed and got into debt, out of work. Actually meeting someone else was the trigger I needed to lock down a decent job and built my career from there.

The next time was when that ended some 20 years later. Breakup of family, risk of losing house, also made redundant at same time while juggling all this. Used this time to get into better shape physically, travel and come back a much better person, learning from the mistakes I had made (nothing serious like DA/cheating).

Its like when the Dr may say you have a liver disease and need to stop drinking - some will, some wont.

But, you are not in the best state emotionally. He has nothing else to cling on to. It could very likely end in tears months down the line. All you can do is take small steps - he needs to prove himself and you need to be honest with him about red lines and feelings. Get him to prove that he has changed, take it slowly but be clear that there is no 2nd chances or excuses. Work on this together. The cynic in me thinks its because your his only hope

HussleMe · 07/09/2026 19:32

Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 19:12

I know that it's probably a terrible idea which is why I started this thread.

But I feel that I need to defend him a bit, too. During our time together I was at my worst and I was often quite ill and he always looked after me and probably went through hell although he always said that it wasn't so bad. There were times when he tried to keep down my fevers all night or dragged himself to hospital to visit me despite being ill too and working as I was in uni. And he picked me up when I called him because a new partner had beaten me.

Yes the cheating confession hurt a lot. But I need to be fair and explain that he is not a complete asshole.
As I said earlier I am much better than I was back then and I don't want to get dragged down again especially if he is only starting his journey to deal with his challenges. But he is not a terrible person. And he has a new job lined up.

Oh, you should have said all this at the start. He’s a complete Prince!

You’re obviously going to take him back; I don’t really know why you started the thread.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 07/09/2026 19:56

If you want your heart broken again by a serial cheat, knock yourself out!

Original poster
Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 20:00

He didn't break my heart.
But thanks for the responses that didn't call me an idiot

OP posts:
SantaMartinaIV · 07/09/2026 20:26

Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder I presume. And this will be a dreadful weight to carry for you.
Let him work on himself first because the last thing he needs right now is a new/ old relationship.
He will use you one way or another.

Fizzink38 · 07/09/2026 20:32

OP, you're being really smart in knowing yourself and your weaknesses, you know you make poor decisions. I think you're getting lots of clues from yourself; you've been a lot calmer and mentally healthier without him - now he's back you're in chaos again.

If you know you make poor decisions, use that insight. Don't make a decision now. You can give him a chance without risking yourself and your own mental health. You can give him time to get help and treatment - but not in your safe space. If he's a sex addict, you know he'll need to get healthy without being in a relationship.

Also, if it helps when you feel very gripped by the strength of the connection, think about the women that he intimidated, harassed and upset through his persistent 'inappropriate behaviour.' that is still him, the real him, until he actually does the work to change. A one night confession does not mean he is suddenly reborn, you know how much work it takes to make real changes.

FannybygaslightinGovan · 07/09/2026 20:35

He's an ex for a reason.

Are you lonely? Do you want to feel needed? Feel some familiarity? If so, it's not about this man, this is about you and your needs. Can you work out what you really want before you dive in and commit to a man who lies and cheats?

TurkishShepherd · 07/09/2026 20:42

I dunno Op.

To my deeply vanilla and boring self, this is all quite dramatic with the fevers and staying up all night, the mental health, hospitalisations and rock bottom episodes. Drama is addictive and he's got form for getting his head turned, presumably for the thrill.
What happens when he feels better and it's all normal and boring again? You sure history won't repeat itself?

I'm also unsure why him asking for a bit of support has leapfrogged to getting back together? It sounds like he's been supportive in the past - can't you do the same without complicating everything immediately? I mean, if he's truthful, he's a bit vulnerable to get into something serious?

From what I've read, I think it's got disaster written all over it - but I think you will pursue it anyway.

unsync · 07/09/2026 20:45

Please don't do this. I don't think this is a healthy situation for you. You seem vulnerable and he seems predatory. It's not a good combination.

Original poster
Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 20:51

Fizzink38 · 07/09/2026 20:32

OP, you're being really smart in knowing yourself and your weaknesses, you know you make poor decisions. I think you're getting lots of clues from yourself; you've been a lot calmer and mentally healthier without him - now he's back you're in chaos again.

If you know you make poor decisions, use that insight. Don't make a decision now. You can give him a chance without risking yourself and your own mental health. You can give him time to get help and treatment - but not in your safe space. If he's a sex addict, you know he'll need to get healthy without being in a relationship.

Also, if it helps when you feel very gripped by the strength of the connection, think about the women that he intimidated, harassed and upset through his persistent 'inappropriate behaviour.' that is still him, the real him, until he actually does the work to change. A one night confession does not mean he is suddenly reborn, you know how much work it takes to make real changes.

Thank you so much, this rang so true in many ways.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 07/09/2026 20:54

Oh for Gods sake OP he's playing you like a fiddle and you are falling for it. People like this never change and he shouldnt even be a friend any more.

Original poster
Ainteazy · 07/09/2026 21:02

TurkishShepherd · 07/09/2026 20:42

I dunno Op.

To my deeply vanilla and boring self, this is all quite dramatic with the fevers and staying up all night, the mental health, hospitalisations and rock bottom episodes. Drama is addictive and he's got form for getting his head turned, presumably for the thrill.
What happens when he feels better and it's all normal and boring again? You sure history won't repeat itself?

I'm also unsure why him asking for a bit of support has leapfrogged to getting back together? It sounds like he's been supportive in the past - can't you do the same without complicating everything immediately? I mean, if he's truthful, he's a bit vulnerable to get into something serious?

From what I've read, I think it's got disaster written all over it - but I think you will pursue it anyway.

That drama was me, not him. I was really sick for a long time and my mental health completely caved in, and I always felt that this was maybe why we drifted apart as a couple back then. It wasn't fair on him and I always felt bad about it. It felt better knowing that he was also a shit.
As I said he was the only one who treated me well before I knew this.

But I hear what you are saying and I think that you are right and that I should step back.
Sorry for being annoying

OP posts:
HussleMe · 07/09/2026 21:42

Oh you’re not annoying @Ainteazy

Sometimes it’s good to get the unvarnished truth, it can be hard to see the reality, especially when someone like this dickbag knows how to play woman like that.